Some more PPD thoughts

Just over one day left of 2012.

I've to see my GP next month and I think that's why I'm feeling so off at the moment. I just don't feel right and I think I'm scared about stopping antidepressants. For the first round of PPD I was on lofepramine for a few days shy of 6 months. I stopped them in May 2011 and it was about August/September that something wasn't right but I ignored it. I've now been taking lofepramine again since 1st May 2012. I'm scared of stopping them but I'm scared of feeling dependent on them. Of course I'll talk all my worries through with my GP but as usual I'm anxious about it. I remember at my last appointment in the summer I mentioned if it would be more than 6 months and she had said it doesn't have to be. I'm just terrified of deteriorating again to the point things were that bad. I know getting myself worked up about it isn't doing me any good at all.

Breathe.

12.12.12

So, regarding my last post, I did find the energy to put the tree up on the 1st December. Bug loved it and was "helping mummy" decorate. Everyday he has been so excited seeing the tree. Some of our neighbours, across the street, have put lights in their garden and bug loves to see them at night too. I think he's going to be devastated when it's time to take the tree down. In the morning he asks for his advent calendar but he's still not too sure why he can't open all the windows at once. I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year, bug is so excited and keeps talking about the tree and Santa and presents. I can't wait to see his face.

On Sunday night he was up sick during the night. My poor little bug. After being sick he seemed ok and went back to sleep. He was absolutely fine on Monday and Tuesday but last night he was up sick three times. I was running out of clean sheets for his bed and pyjamas for him. It's hard seeing him not well, he looked scared and was upset. It must be scary not understanding what's happening. This is the first sickness he's had that wasn't just milky baby sick. I'm going to give credit for that to my breasts for breastfeeding him until he self weaned just shy of 18 months. This morning he seemed back to his usual, happy self. He's currently having a nap. 

After nap time the plan is to drive up into a near by town to see all the Christmas lights. I know he'll love it. The Abbey will be all lit up as well so he'll enjoy it. We did have some snow last night and it's freezing so I'll need to make sure we're all wrapped up.

Hello December

How it is possibly December already? This year has been a very quick one. 

This morning but got to open the first window in his advent calendar. Since he doesn't eat any chocolate (he doesn't like it) I decided to get a playmobil one which makes up a Christmas scene. Today it was a tree with two squirrels. To be honest he didn't really understand why he couldn't open the rest of the windows as well. He's sort of forgotten about it now but does pick up the advent calendar to give it a shake every now and again. 

If I find the motivation I might put the Christmas tree up today. It's possibly a bit early since it's only just December but bug keeps asking about Christmas tree's so I'm sure he'll love it. 

Now that he's a bit older it's so lovely and exciting in the run up to Christmas. Every time a parcel is delivered he'll now ask if it's presents. 

I had a bit of a fright on Thursday, bug was refusing to put any weight on his right foot. Then when he tried he would be limping. Luckily he must have just been sleeping on it a funny way because the next morning he was absolutely fine. 

There have been lots of screaming tantrums lately. I know logically that it's just his age but sometimes I worry that he is having meltdowns because I had PPD and before the AD's there was a time when I wasn't happy. I know that's illogical, really, and it's not reasonable to think a toddler is going to be happy all the time. It's just one of those thoughts that waits for an opportunity to come to the front of my mind. 

PPD thoughts

My GP wants me to see her in January to discuss coming off antidepressants. That sounds simple enough right? 

I'm really not sure. When I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression in November 2010 I was then on antidepressants for six months. Stopped them in May 2011. In hindsight I started my steep fall into a relapse from around September 2011 but didn't make an appointment until February 2012. After trying two different antidepressants I started lofepramine again on the 1st May 2012. I'm not sure how many weeks it was before I was taking the full dose, maybe four weeks. That means January is going to be around seven months. Is that enough? I'm so worried about stopping these and then relapsing back into another round of depression. 

I mentioned to my manager that I'd probably let her know when my GP wants me to stop them. My manager was very supportive with my postpartum depression, having been there herself. I'm just started to feel so anxious/scared about stopping them. At the same time I don't want to feel like I need to depend on them either. I might see if I can have a chat with my manager because I don't know anyone else who has been there. It's something that no-one really talks about.

mid November

How is it possible that it's the middle of November? Can someone please slow this year down? 

It's been a while since I updated. 

On Saturday I met up with L, we'd been trying to catch up for a few weeks but seemed we weren't both free at the same time until then. We went out for dinner, I had my usual arrabiata, then we went to the cinema to see Taken 2. It was great to catch up and it was also good to get out for a while as well.

Bug is loaded with the cold. My poor boy. The last few morning he's been up at 5:45am all stuffed up and needing cuddles. Yesterday he had a massive nap so he must have been needing it. He's not really eaten that much but he has been drinking lots. He is so, so wonderful. A few days ago I had my hand on my forehead and he said "mummy, what's wrong?" I told him mummy had a sore head. He then climbed up on the chair next to me, kissed my forehead and said "all better" he really is amazing. His talking is brilliant and he has an incredible memory. Some things from months and months ago he'll just start talking about. it. A current example is the garden centre. We've not been to the garden centre for possibly close to a year and he keeps talking about going. I even asked the childminder if they had been recently but they've not. He's even been building garden centres with lego. I'll definitely need to take him once he's over this cold.

Bug also got his hair cut last Thursday (thank you Nanny for taking him). He always looks so grown up after a hair cut. That had been four months since the last hair cut and since his hair is like mine and grows really quickly I think there's quite a difference.

My friend who moved to Australia last year is back for five weeks so I can't wait to see her.

Do you want some calpol on it?

I have rosacea and it had flared up on Monday afternoon. Bug put his hand on my face and said my face was hot. I said yes it's sore. Bug then asked if I wanted some calpol on it!!

more on Christmas

The down side to being organised for Christmas is that Bug keeps finding presents. I completely forgot I'd left the train set in the downstairs cupboard and he found it and doesn't seem to be forgetting about it! At least I know the train set was a good choice. It's a brio one and I love it. I think I'll be adding to it for a long time. I love wooden toys.

I think I'm in denial it's almost the middle of October. At the end of the month my sister wants me to take her shopping to get some things for Christmas. Should be good, means she can choose her perfume while we're out and I won't have to worry about choosing one she doesn't like. I've really only got a few more things to pick up. 

I ordered a playmobil advent calender. I'm not sure if bug is still a big young for it but I liked it. I have quite a few playmobil things put away. Definitely starting to look like a playmobil Christmas!!

October

At the weekend I went to get get Bug new shoes. I always go to Clarks since Bug has quite wide feet. He's now a 7H. Bug absolutely loves dinosaurs (so did I as a child) so we went with the dinosaur shoes, although I did choose grey over the brown ones. I'm not sure why but I really don't like brown shoes on him. My own boots are brown so my dislike of brown shoes is specific to children's shoes. No explanation. While I was there I also got him some new wellies. When we got home he spent a good half hour splashing in puddles in the garden.

Potty training [8] update + Christmas

I've been plodding along with the potty training, generally letting Bug lead the way. Last week or so he really wasn't interested anymore and whenever I asked him if he needed to use the potty he would say no. 

Last few days have been better. Using the potty the majority of the day, coming and asking me first. I did make the step from pull ups to pants. We've had a few accidents which were easily cleaned up. One of the times he went and sat on his potty without taking his pants off first! Today he has been dry/no accidents since he got up. He's now napping so I'm expecting a wet nappy when he wakes! Yesterday and today he's been holding himself when he needs to pee so it's really noticeable when he needs the potty. My clever little man. 

Christmas is three months and two days away! This year has been so fast. I'm feeling a bit lost what to get Bug. I did have a look at the leappad 2's but I really don't think they're for us. I have a tablet myself and I have put some child apps on it which Bug does enjoy. One of the apps is a piano one and he just loves the sounds it makes. To be honest I don't feel comfortable with the idea of my son sitting playing a tablet on his own. When he plays the piano app I'm sitting with him, playing songs with him etc. I think the leappad would be more geared towards the child playing by themself and my son loves to play with other children or mummy! 

I did buy a HappyLand train set. It was better than half price. Bug loves trains so I'm sure it will be a hit. My mum also ordered the train set for my nephew N. I also ordered a playmobil set, mainly because it was half price, but I'm not sure if it will be a Christmas present or a put away for later present. 

I asked my sister what she needs for the boys. I really don't want to get them toys because they have so many already. I suggested taking her to Next to buy the boys an outfit each and she liked that idea.

What else...? Bug needed new pyjamas so I've ordered three pairs from mothercare. I also ordered more vests and pants. Thought I might as well make the most of the free delivery! I also ordered a new winter coat for Bug. It's gorgeous. I love it and can't wait for it to get here. I also got a discount which is even better. Last year's coat is in size 18-24 months so I don't see it lasting much longer. The new one I ordered is 2-3 years so should get a good bit of use out of it. 

I'll just need to get him some welly boots since the weather is getting much wetter. Then it'll just be some thicker trousers and some long sleeved tops and jumpers. Winter is definitely on it's way!

feeling down

The last few days I've felt really down. I'm not sure why, I'm still taking AD's since my relapse with PPD. I just don't feel right. I feel guilty about feeling down because my little boy is so loving and wonderful.

middle of September

How can it be the middle of September already? I go back to work tomorrow, those two weeks of annual leave have just flown by. It's been good to get some time away from work. 

I was in Tesco the other day and they have Christmas things out. Christmas!! Already!! I sort of know in my head what I'm going to get Bug. I was thinking of those leap frog tablets. The new one is from age 3 and up. I'm not sure, will need to do some more reading up about it. I do feel a bit worried that it would be something for him to play on his own but at the same time I know if he wants me to play with him (playmobil, lego, drawing etc) he will ask tell me to sit and play. I should really feel more confident that if my son needs me then I'm there. 

I'm so, so proud of my little boy. As a single mother I'm who he spends the vast majority of his time with. It's just us. He does go to a childminder two days a week and he is brilliant with other children. He is so confident and out going. Our childminder took him to the nursery when she was picking up another child and she said Bug loved it, he loved seeing lots of other children and all the play areas. I'm still not sure about nursery next spring but I'm happy to know that he would enjoy it. I just don't want to barely see him, maybe I'm just being selfish. 

Nursery talk

Bug is doing great. Yesterday I sent off his nursery forms for his 15 free hours next year. I'm not actually feeling too sure about my decision. I put down for nurseries in the town where I work, same town childminder lives, incase he is given hours that clash with work or my childminder. My childminder has been great and said if she has him she can drop him off and pick him up. I put down three choices that I've heard good things about. To be honest if I'm not comfortable with it he doesn't need to go. I don't have an issue with nurseries, I'm just thinking he already see's a childminder and if these nursery hours don't clash with my working hours that's more he's away from me when I could be doing things with him, taking him out places etc.

Here the cut off to start school is the end of February. This means Bug will be one of the older ones is his school year and it means he won't start school until he's almost 5.5 years old. [My nephew, who is five days older than Bug could start when he's almost 4.5 years old]. In a way I'm glad Bug was a March baby and that decision was made for me. Anyway my point with this was that Bug will have another year of nursery, 2014-2015 so for the second year of nursery I'll move him to the nursery that is within the primary school he'll go to. That's in the town where I live and makes sense to let him get used to the place before he starts school and is there for longer hours.

That's the plan. It's actually quite scary that I'm thinking about nursery and my baby boy starting school. Where does the time go?

Edit... The council phoned later this morning. My first choice of nursery has now merged with a Gaelic nursery. I felt really put on the spot when I was asked if I still wanted to keep it as my first choice. I decided yes because I've only heard good things about the nursery. It's now in a new location but it's still near enough tothe childminder. They're going to forward my forms onto the nursery. Once I got of the phone I looked up the merge online and I'm still feeling positive about it. The Gaelic nursery was one that fed into a school that teaches Gaelic so it'll just be a bonus if Bug learns any new words. Of course I might not even get my first choice! I'm glad that I've finally sent the forms off and I know they've been received. I'll just need to see what happens, I think I should find out about his placement in December.

more potty training [7.. I think]

We seem to have taken a step backwards with the potty training. Is that normal? The last few days he's barely been asking to use his potty and whenever I ask him if he needs it he'll say no. I'm not too sure why the sudden disinterest. Hopefully it won't last long. I really feel clueless about potty training. Just another new experience. To be honest it's one I'll be glad to see the other side of. I'm not overly worried or concerned but I do wonder if I could be making it easier for him. Really no idea.

Hello September

How is it possibly September already?!

Long overdue haircut

Bug is getting his hair cut today. I'm hoping he cooperates. I can't remember when he last had it cut so it's rather long. He always looks so grown up when his hair is shorter.

Just a quick one for now since I need to get us ready!

You know you're a mummy when...

... you're excited about poo!!

Seriously!!

This afternoon Bug used his potty rather than asking for a nappy!! Excellent. Looks like this is the best approach to have. No pressure for my little boy and no stress for me. Just letting him lead the way. Well done little Bug!!

Potty Training [6]

I had to double check if this was the 6th potty training entry. 

Still not potty trained. Still plodding along and asking for his potty when he feels he needs it. One thing is that he won't do a poo in his potty. My mum was looking after him on Friday night, while I took my sister out to the shops, and he needed the toilet but cried and cried until my mum put a nappy on him. This happened before as well. I'd even tried leaving the room, because he's now at the stage where he won't fill his nappy unless he's alone, but he still refused to use the potty. I'm sure we'll get to that stage, just slowly.

Happy Birthday L!!

Happy first birthday to my lovely, youngest nephew. A whole year already. I can't believe it!

Ramblings

It's my nephew L's birthday tomorrow. I cannot believe he is going to be a whole year old already. It doesn't feel like a year ago that my sister was having noticeable contractions while saying she's not in labour!! Denial anyone?! A whole year. Wow. 

I've already got his birthday present. It was a leapfrog toy my sister wanted for him. I've still to personalise it but I'll do that tonight. Cutting it close aren't I? From what I remember personlising leapfrog toys doesn't take that long. 

Tonight I'm doing a bit of shopping with my sister. Just so she can get some last minutes things for tomorrow. I think she is wanting to get a number one balloon for L. He loves balloons. All the boys do. I'm not sure if she's wanting to get a plain cake or anything. I'm sure she'll give me instructions about where we're going when I pick her up. 

I need to remember and go to the drs for my prescription after work. If I pick it up I can put it in at the pharmacy later on. I just wanted to have it since it's a bank holiday on Monday and I wasn't sure how much I had left. It's my antidepressants that I've to stay on until January 2013. I didn't want to risk taking a few days break if I ran out. 

My annual leave is just eight days away now! Five shifts left until I'm off work for two wonderful weeks. I can't wait. I know I was off for four months at the start of the year but any time away from there is a good thing. 

Anyway, I should run so I can finish getting organised for work. I'm sure I'll be needing petrol as well. What a shocker! My car is always looking for petrol, or so it seems anyway. Since I've just been paid today I think I'll just fill the tank and then see how long it lasts me, rather than filling up here and there.

Christmas ticker

How scary is this?

 

I thought since my annual leave ticker will have completed very soon I should add another one. This one might motivate me to get organised.  

I'm really looking forward to my annual leave from work. September felt like so far away when I went back to work at the end of June and now it's only one week and two days away. 

Potty Training [5]

Another potty training one. I'll need to write a better update at some point. 

Potty training continues. Going well. Even at the childminders on Monday and Tuesday Bug was asking to use the potty. Still just pee pee's, he won't do anything else on the potty, still insists to use his nappy for that. I'm not concerned at all. I'm thinking once he is more confident with pee pee's then the rest will come. I'm still taking the no pressure and lots of praise approach. Whenever he uses the potty he still cheers and shouts good boy. My clever little man!! 

We're getting there!

Potty Training [4]

Potty usage continues...

This morning I changed Bug out his pyjamas and into daytime clothes. I also changed his nappy. About an hour later without any prompting he was pulling at his trousers and asked to use his potty. His nappy was completely dry!! Same routine of pee pee, cheering/praise from us both and then flushing the toilet. I think it's the flushing the toilet he gets most excited about. 

Really pleased that he'd remembered first thing this morning about his nappy. My clever little boy.

Potty Training [3]

Ahhh another potty entry. 

This morning Bug asked for my hand and said he needed to pee pee on the potty. Clever boy! Once he did he gave himself a cheer and a big clap. I gave him lots of praise. Then he wanted to empty it into the toilet and flush, which we done. Two minutes later we repeated. Another two minutes we repeated it again. 

I put his nappy back on. A few hours later he asked for the potty again (he did have a wet nappy in between). He then went for a nap and when he woke up he played outside and when he came in he had a dirty nappy. He knows when he needs the toilet because he leaves the room and if I walk in he says mummy go away. Once I'd cleaned him up I kept his nappy off (mostly because he didn't want a nappy on), since he'd already had a dirty nappy and had been doing so well peeing on his potty I wasn't too worried. It was off for about two hours without any accidents and few actual pee pee's (that we flushed!). 

I'm so proud and he's doing so well. I'm just going to keep following his lead with it. No pressure. I think after a few days of nappy free time in the afternoon I'll start encouraging him to use his potty instead of having a dirty nappy. Again, no pressure, if he isn't too happy I'll leave it a bit longer. 

I have every confidence he'll get there in his own time, just as he's done with everything else.

You're not a single mother...

I really need to stay off parenting forums. Just because your husband works full time during the week does not mean that Monday-Friday you're a single mother. Seriously, it doesn't. I'm a single mother. It's just me, all the time. I don't mean this to sound so negative but the only break I get is when I go to work. What do you think happens when I have a migraine and can just about stumble to the bathroom to throw up? It's business as usual. I'm not saying people in relationships don't get ill, of course they do, but I'd imagine once your partner got in from work if you needed to lie down or whatever then you'd have that option.

Anyway it really annoyed me. I don't expect anything since I chose this. I knew I was going to be a single mother from four weeks pregnant. Obviously I'd not change my now two year old for the world but it still irritates me when people say things like that. 

I think I've finishing whining... for now.

Fighting Sleep

Bug still has a nap most afternoons. There are some times when he won't nap and it just results in a very grumpy, overtired boy. I'm not when he'll stop taking a nap but for the time being I still feel he needs it so when he's getting tired I'll encourage him to nap. He still sleeps well at night, generally 6:30/7pm to 6:30/7am. This afternoon he was fighting sleep. I asked him to get bear and honey bear (his two teddy bears he has to have with him) and we'll go for a nap. He happily went upstairs to his room but wouldn't settle. I brought him back downstairs. Twenty minutes later he was crying and asking for a nap. This time he wasn't as happy going upstairs but was asleep within minutes of me walking back downstairs. My sleepy boy clearly needed a nap. 

My son used to be terrible for fighting sleep when he was a baby. I didn't sleep more than two hour blocks until he was 16 months old! Of course my son was worth every minute of being shattered but I couldn't imagine going back to it. There were nights when he just refused to sleep. I'd try everything. Long breastfeed to sleep, long walk in the pram, drive in the car and I even bought a swing with a vibrate option. My little boy must have been too scared he was going to miss something. 

It wasn't planned but I did end up co-sleeping to a extent. Only because it reached the point where I physically and mentally couldn't sit up any longer. I had to lie down so I lay my son down beside me and a lot of time he would eventually fall asleep. Only for the two hour blocks I mentioned earlier but two hours is two hours! I'm sure anyone who has experienced looking after a baby will agree you need to take all the sleep you can get. 

I'm so glad my son sleeps well now. I always feel for my friends when they remind me of the sleepless nights. 

It's worth it and it does get better.

Potty Training [2]

Potty training [2] aka later that same day... 

Just a quick update. Only one more success on the potty today. Just before bath time. In all honesty Bug has the cold so I'm pleased how he's doing on the potty considering he's not himself.

Potty Training

 I'm sure there will be plenty of posts of potty training.

A few months ago Bug showed an interest in the potty. It didn't last long but I did continue asking if he needed to use the potty. When he's at the childminders she also asks him if he needs to use the potty. It wasn't actively training him, more trying to get him used to it. 

Last night Bug asked to use the potty so I helped him get the potty out and take his nappy off etc. He sat on the potty but didn't do anything. 

This morning he came to get me and said he needed to do a pee pee on the potty. This time he did pee pee and when he looked in the potty he gave himself a big cheer. Then I cheered for him. Clever boy. He then wanted to flush his pee pee down the toilet (with my help). Once we'd done that he asked again and, again, he cheered when he seen he'd done a pee pee. Clever boy. He was excited he got to flush the toilet again. 

I asked him to tell mummy (or nanny, since she's looking after him today while I'm at work) when he needs his potty. 

Just going to take it slow, no pressure and see how he gets on.

Screaming toddler

The screaming. It's over silly things and really hard to listen to. Today, we were in the garden, Bug was climbing on a chair. I asked him to stop. Explained he could hurt himself. Climbing continued. I removed chair because I was worried he was going to fall and hit his head on the concrete ground. Screaming begins. Really high pitched, window shattering, screaming. I think I'd be able to handle his toddler tantrums if it weren't for the screaming. It's the screaming that stresses me out in the middle of a shopping centre. All eyes are on us... me.

Back Online

I'm back online after almost a week of my home broadband being down. I don't think it would have been as frustrating if they gave an accurate resolution time. First the resolution time was Friday morning, then Friday afternoon, then Monday morning (obviously don't work over the weekend!!), then Tuesday morning, then Tuesday afternoon, then Tuesday evening and we're finally back online this morning. Finally. I'm sure now that it's back I won't bother with it but while it was down I really wanted to get online. I could have used my phone, or my tablet, but the touch screen drives me crazy!! I do like my phone and tablet for browsing but I don't like typing anything longer than a tweet on either of them. 

My throat hurts. When I took my AD this morning it got stuck in my throat, made me panic, but managed to cough it up. Nice. Now my throat is sore, probably from the hard, panicked cough. I see more cups of tea in the near future. 

Bug is wonderful, as always, but rather naughty at the moment. The so-called terrible two's started before he was two but I'm telling myself this pushing boundary, screaming stage won't last forever. It's not as though there are tantrums/meltdowns all day long, just here and there. On Sunday I had to go up to Next to change a pair of jeans and at one point Bug was lying on the floor, screaming, kicking his legs, you know, the complete tantrum package. I just ignore anyone staring. When my son is having a tantrum there is nothing I can do. If I pick him up he'll scream louder and start throwinghis head back, nine times out of ten when he does that he'll hit me in the face, ouch, so I don't try to lift him anymore. Just give him a few minutes and he calms down. 

It's a lovely day today so will be good to at least get out in the garden to play.

Hello August

How is it August already?! Ok I know it normally follows July but this year has been so fast. 

Bug was back at the childminders on Monday and he was delighted to see her. I'm so glad we have a wonderful childminder. On Tuesday he wasn't too impressed when I came to pick him up, after work, because he was having so much fun on the trampoline. There were plenty of tears, kicking the legs, screaming, etc.. The childminder made a joke about it being good he's not like that when I drop him off! Very true. 

I was off work today (excellent) but we didn't get out much, apart from a run in the car, because it's been miserable. Lots of heavy rain. What happened to the summer? I must have blinked and missed it. I'm off work again tomorrow so I'm hoping it's a bit nicer so we can get out. Even if it's just in the garden! We did have some fun today. Playing with lego, by playing I mean Bug asking me to build things and then destroying them. He absolutely loves drawing, with anything, crayons, pencils, pens, a black ball point pen from my bag! We were drawing for a while. Anything I drew got drawn over (of course)!! Bug is so good with his colours. He's such a clever little boy. 

This morning he slept in until 7:45am!! This is the latest I've slept since 2009! Towards the end of my pregnancy SPD made sleeping hard work, combine that with my bladder being squished and I was up at 6am most mornings. While I did enjoy the sleep in this morning I do think it might have messed up his naps. He napped earlier (strange) and not as long as usual. This meant by around 4pm he wasn't happy, lots of tantrums over little things and then wanting to go to bed at 5pm. I kept him up until 6:30pm when he happily went to bed. I wonder what time we'll be up at tomorrow. 

Last week I started Christmas shopping (seriously). It was only a present for my mum I ordered but it's still a start. My nephew, L, is one the end of this month so my sister mentioned she wanted a leapfrog thing so I ordered that this afternoon. I can't believe he's going to be one year old already. I'm glad I have a present sorted and didn't get the usual get him whatever you want suggestion. I'd rather get him something my sister wants for him or something he needs instead of a toy for the sake of it. At least this is a learning one. 

Speaking of toys, I really need to sort through my son's toys. There are so many of them, they're taking over. I'll need to mentally note what ones he doesn't play with. Some of them he won't bother with for weeks and then suddenly he won't put them down. They're everywhere. 

Since it's relatively late I think I'll leave this year and go relax a bit before bed. I'm still not sleeping that well but I'll write about that another day.

Where does the time go?

I can't believe that July is nearly over with. Where do the months go? Our childminder comes back from holiday so next week will be business as usual. I'm sure bug will be glad, he's been asking for her. 

I must have been feeling stressed on Thursday because my rosacea flared up, badly, for the first time in a few weeks. I didn't even eat or drink anything naughty. I'll definitely be having a naughty coffee tooday after work! The plan is to do some shopping with my sister some time after work. My mum has offered to watch bug since I'm needing to find new jeans. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get skinny jeans from Next that I can wear with my boots but you never know. Sister wants to look for a few things for L's birthday. Can you believe he's going to be one next month. How did that happen?!

Bug didn't want to nap yesterday afternoon. I think it's because he wasn't overly impressed we went to Tesco once I picked him up after work. I also had to stop off at the doctors to pick up a prescription so he wasn't too happy with being in and out the car. He done well in tesco but had a meltdown in the 2 minutes it took from my car to the reception. Meltdown complete with lying on the floor kicking his legs. When we got home it wasn't long before he was back to his happy self. He loves helping me unpack the bags and gets especially excited about bread. Yesterday he ripped it open so he could have some. No nap in the afternoon meant by 5pm he was wanting to go to bed. I managed to keep him amused until he fell asleep at 6:30pm while I was reading to him.

I stayed up late last night watching the Olympics opening ceremony. It was amazing and great to see but I'm definitely regretting it this morning. 

Work has been going ok. I'm looking forward to my annual leave I have booked for the first two weeks in September!

one of *those* days

It's just been a long day. My son was up rather early this morning. I don't mind early rises, I'm certainly used to them. I did mind the naughty toddler routine for the first few hours. I know he's pushing boundaries. I know he thinks he's funny. I'm still frustrated at times. Clmbing on the tv unit. Throwing toys. Screaming. Pouring his breakfast all over the table. Pouring water down himself. One of those days. 

I didn't sleep that great last night (what else is new?) so I thought ok I'll just have a lie down when it's nap time. Of course that thought meant that my son decided he wasn't having a nap today. That's the way the universe works! 

I think I'll be having a cry later in the bath. Cuddles from my son do help on days like this.

rosacea

So it appears I'm having a bad skin day. I have rosacea. My skin flushes a lot and to the point it burns. Using Liz Earle has made a massive difference. My skin still flushes but it's not as frequent as it was. I don't look like I'm constantly blushing anymore. Today is a flare up though. I'm not sure why since I've not eaten anything naughty. By naughty I mean anything that I know flares it up. 

Naughty things include, in no particular order, coffee, dairy (especially cheese), chocolate, and fizzy/sugary drinks. These are the worst offenders. Another one is alcohol but I've had a drink since 2009. Luckily cutting them out my diet isn't necessarily a bad thing!

It's a horrible thing because it's on my face so I can't hide it. Not many people know what it is. It also flares up when I'm stressed or upset. You know times where I don't want to draw more attention to myself! Another good one is when I'm too hot.

I keep yellow powder in my car (to take some of the harshness out but obviously can still see it). I'm also taking antibiotics. I've been taking antibiotics for a few months. They make me feel generally yucky.

It's just another thing I rant about often. Fortunately not as often now compared to a few months ago.

</rosacea rant>

so lucky

I'm so, so lucky to be a mummy to a wonderful little boy. My son really is the brightest star in my life. I love when he asks for a cuddle. I love when he asks for the covers when it's time for bed. I love how he asks for my hand when he wants to take me somewhere to show me something. He is learning so much, so fast. Sometimes I have no idea where the last 2-3 years have gone. It feels like just yesterday I was looking at that second line or seeing my tiny dot on the ultrasound and then it's bam! I have a child who has long left the baby days behind. I'm so lucky to be able to watch my sweet boy grow up. It's bittersweet and beyond amazing.

I didn't have the best day at work today but picking up my son from the childminder completely lifted my mood. I'll keep reminding myself of that when I'm at work. When I leave I get a cuddle from my lovely little boy.

last counselling appt (for now)

I had my last scheduled counselling appointment today.

It was interesting. She thinks I'm very sensitive to hurt and I'm unable (or find it difficult)  to process how I feel about things. She also thinks that I've not properly thought about what my ex has done and how much it hurt. That's probably true.

I don't really know how I feel just now. What a shocker.

It would seem when I was alone and pregnant I had two options. I could have broken down or I could have got on with it. I chose the latter. From her outside look it seems by doing that I've convinced myself things weren't that bad, I shouldn't have found it difficult etc and generally been very critical of myself when I've struggled.

I want to write more but I don't have it in me at the moment.

the right decision?

I've put a question mark in my entry title but I'm not sure if it belongs there. 

Returning to work after four months is hard but it has to be the right decision. I'm not going to truly feel or be better until I'm back to normality. I think the longer I was off the more daunting returning was. In all honestly I feel so anxious about work. I feel really on edge when I'm driving there. At the end of my shift when I reach my car I just want to cry. I'm not sure if they're tears of relief or tears from stuggling. It's overwhelming. 

I don't even feel like I can be honest when I'm asked how I feel. My manager was/is supportive but I need to sustain this return and I don't want to give her any reason to doubt that I can do it.

Sometimes I feel almost detached from reality. That might be too harsh. I'm not sure how to explain it but sometimes I feel like I'm seeing my life but not really, really involved. All this time has passed and it feels like no time at all. There are things I want to do, things I want to achieve and I have the means to put them into motion but I'm not confident enough to believe that they'll really happen. Sometimes I feel stuck but I know I'm the only person who can fix that. 

Tuesday is my last scheduled appointment with the counsellor and in all honesty I'm scared how I'll feel when it's finished. The plan is to take a break and then start seeing her again. I know I struggle to make appointments like that. It took me months to see my doctor. I feel more aware that it's something I struggle with so maybe this time will be different, I have to make it different. 

return to work

It's my birthday today! It's also the day I went back to work after being signed off for four months. I was really nervous and it was just awful. I wanted to cry when I got to my car. I think I was just really overwhelmed and the pressure of you have to sustain your return to work or you'll be taken to a disciplinary didn't help. I was signed off because of a relapse with (postpartum) depression. While I was off I was on three different antidepressants, seeing my GP countless times and I've also been having counselling. I just felt like work were implying it's something trivial. That was my first sickness absence since 2008.

I'm back in tomorrow and I'm hoping it goes better than today. 

< two days

It's less than two daysuntil I go back to work and I'm feeling so anxious about it. I would prefer to shake the anxiety so I can just get on with it. I'm hoping I'll feel better about it once I have the first day out the way. Here's hoping. 

My sleeping is terrible. I'm up throughout the night for hours and absolutely shattered in the morning. Last night I tried to stay up later to see if it helped, I did still wake up but not as much. Of course, staying up past 12am means I'm still feeling tired now.

I'll get there. I hope will.

my pregnancy

I found out I was pregnant on the 15th June 2009. I wasn't feeling that great. The week before I had been really tired, going to bed at 7pm and sleeping late. My mum actually thought I was coming down with something. I had strange pains in my lower abdomen. They were very different to my usual period pains but I just ignored them. It was one day before work I'd went into the shop for lunch and the pains/cramps were stronger and felt really weird. It was then, for some reason, I decided to take a pregnancy test to get it out of my system. Pregnancy tests are horrific to buy, I felt like all eyes were on me and then at the till someone else had to come over because they weren't scanning properly and were security protected. 

I was planning on taking it in the evening when I was home. I couldn't wait. I was sitting at my desk at work and I could feel it burning a whole in my bag. I decided just to go the toilet and do it. I was honestly expecting it to be all in my head. I went to the toilet, pee'd on the stick and watched the colour run across the screen. I should have waited longer but after the colour had filled both windows I was convinced it was negative so went back to my desk. A few minutes later I went into my bag to get my phone and I seen the test, I had a quick look at it and thought I could see a second line. In panic I went back to the toilet to inspect it further. It was faint but it was definitely a second line. I took out the second test (it was a pack of two) pee'd on that stick, waited longer and it had a faint line too. 

Here is the picture I took of my tests in 2009.. 

My first picture of my pregnancy! 

After this I say at my desk in disbelief until my break. On my break I phoned the doctors asking what to do, they wanted a urine sample so I had to go and pick up the sample pot. I also went into boots to buy a different brand of pregnancy test. I bought first response. 

Here are the first response pictures..

A bit more believable now. I had four positive pregnancy tests. 

The following morning I handed in my urine sample, it had to be first morning urine, and picked up a digital test. They were more expensive but I felt maybe I'd feel more convinced with the result since it would be a word and not a line. 

A picture of my digital test from 16th June 2009..

Wow. Pregnant! 

On Thursday 18th June the doctors confirmed I was pregnant. 

Of course I took more tests.

20th June..

23rd June..

The digital tests were amazing. I was so happy when I seen the 3+. That was the highest it would be on the digital test and I just felt positive from seeing it.

On Thursday 25th June 2009 I had my first ultrasound. I had been having pains on my right side so I phoned the maternity unit in tears, worried about an ectopic. The midwife I spoke to wanted me to go up to see her. She first tried an abdominal ultrasound but couldn't see anything so she then done a transvaginal scan. We could then see the gestational sac. It was small but it was in the right place. The plan of action was to take some blood to check my hCG levels, repeat the blood test in 48 hours and then 48 hours later again. Sounded good so I went home. The following morning, at work, I received a phone call from the maternity units. The doctor I spoke to said my hormone levels were above 2000 so they would have expected to have seen more on the ultrasound. She explained it looked like an ectopic pregnancy and wanted me to have a laparoscopy that day. I refused because it sounded like a big risk. I had a laparoscopy in 2008 and had a lot of vaginal bleeding afterwards. What if I had the laparoscopy and everything was fine? Would I miscarry anyway? My refusal resulted in an admission to another hospital to be monitored. I had to go through A&E but the doctor in there was understanding and said she agreed she wouldn't want to a laparoscopy based on one hormone level. I would have my bloods taken again the next morning (Saturday 27th June) and they would compare the two blood samples. It was a long night and one of the worst. I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything apart from lie there and stare at nothing. Finally it was Saturday morning and the nurse came to take my blood. What felt like an eternity later the consultant came to see me. This was a different consultant to the one I spoke to on the phone the day before. He felt my stomach and said it felt soft and, as I wasn't in pain, he was sure it was nothing. He wanted to so an ultrasound to check. We went down the corridor and I had ultrasound number two. I remember squeezing the nurses hand. It was a transvaginal ultrasound and almost immediately I could see the gestational sac and fetal pole on the screen. The first thing I asked was if it was in the right place. It was! Everything was fine so I was allowed to go home and a follow up ultrasound was booked for the following Friday (3rd July 2009).

In between I took another test.

1st July.. 

In that picture you can see the test line is stronger than the control line. That was the last test I took.

On the 3rd July 2009 I got to see my tiny baby's heart beating away on the screen at ultrasound number 3. It was amazing and a beautiful site. I was scared before the scan after having a rough week.

My dating scan was on the 14th August 2009. I remember feeling terrified before it. I was almost in tears lying on the bed before the midwife had even started the scan. I was so scared something was going to be wrong. It wasn't. My baby, who also looked like a baby now, was absolutely perfect. Dancing away in my uterus with his hands above his head. 

On the 6th October 2009 I found out I was having a son! This felt really special and I'm so glad I got to share this moment with my mum (nanny to my little boy). Seeing him moving around and his little hand waving. Absolutely beautiful.

I had a fright in mid-December 2009. I was 30 weeks pregnant when I felt a gush of fluid. As I was pre-term I was admitted overnight to the maternity ward. Turns out it was a leak in my hind waters but thankfully it resealed. I was absolutely terrified. I had a scan in the morning to check my son and he was absolutely fine with plenty of fluid. His estimated weight at 30w1d was 3.3lbs (or 1.5kg).

I had my last scan on the 12th January 2010. It was to check my low lying placenta had moved. It had! My son's estimated weight at 33w6d was 4lbs 11oz! 

My due date in February 2010 came and went. 

My midwife attempted a sweep in early March 2010 but she said my cervix was still very posterior so she couldn't properly hook around it. The midwife must have done something because I went into labour the following morning and less than 7 hours after my waters broke/first contraction my son was born weighing in at 8lbs 11oz. 

The brightest star in my life. 

♥♥♥

more work anxiety

I return to work in four, very short, days. I'm feeling very anxious now to the point that I think I feel unwell. Of course this is in my head and I'm hoping the fact I realise that is a good sign. 

For some unknown reason I had two different times written down for my next (last) counselling appointment. I phoned the centre this morning to confirm the time, it's the earlier 10:40am. I think that's what confused me, my appointments are normally 11:30am. So that's a week tomorrow. In a way it feels like everything is coming together. I'm returning to work, taking a break from counselling and I've now settled on an antidepressant that actually works. Why do I feel so overwhelmed with everything when surely these are positive things? I just want to cry when the, for the first time in months, I do feel like I might be OK. Sometimes I feel like I make little sense. I'm still doing well with not using the word should. My counsellor said thinking about the shoulds isn't helpful. I need to see myself how I am rather than how I think I should be. She said I think in black and white so I need to take a step back. To be completely honest I feel like I'll miss counselling for this short break. I'm sure I've said that before. 

Last night I was tidying up and sorting through some old boxes and what did I find? The train ticket from my first date with my ex (aka fw/F***W**). I felt a little sad. I think it was mostly because it reminded me of how much he once meant to me for me to keep it. He means nothing to me now. He'll always be the person who made me choose between him and my baby. My baby will always come first and that applied before I'd even met him. I threw the train ticket away. I did feel a bit weird for the rest of the evening but I think I've shaken it off now. 

My little bug is finally having a nap. As it's already just after 3:30pm I'm hoping he's up soon. I did want to try and put him down earlier but he seen the new toy helicopter I bought for him and it was all over then. Any tiredness instantly vanished and was replaced with much excitement for the new toy. Helicopters are the absolute favourite at the moment.

He absolutely loves his new shoes. This morning he called them his Triceratops shoes. What a big word for a little boy! What do I say to that? Dinosaurs are another love, complete with growling. 

I'm going to go and enjoy a hot cup of tea which is a rare occurrence with a toddler.

new shoes

New shoes today for my little bug. This is the third pair of shoes this year. Currently a size 6.5G. Last time his feet were measured they were a 6H. The smaller G fitting meant we had so many options whereas when he was measuring an H I was lucky if we even had a choice. The little shoes are so cute and he looks like a right little boy wearing them. Bug loves his new shoes especially because they have dinosaurs on the side!

returning to work anxiety

I return to work in less than one week. I'm trying to think it will be good to go back, to get back into a working routine but I'm so, so anxious about it. It was a long absence while I tried to deal/cope with a relapse into (post partum) depression. Since the end of February I've been on three different antidepressants. In the end my own GP, who I seen in May, suggested I go back on the ones that I took for the initial post partum depression. I also found the strength to arrange counselling. This was a big step for me because I find it so hard to open up and talk. I'm so scared that I'll go back to work and not be able to cope. There's only one way I'm going to find out so I know I need to go back. I can't hide away forever. I'm also worried how my collegues will react to my return. I hope I'm just thinking too much and it won't be as bad as I'm imagining. 

I do have a plan for returning to work. I'm someone who likes to know what is happening. I don't like to go into things blind. I'll just take each day as it comes and try not get too worked up about the small things.  Maybe I should make up a mental plan to go with my phased return schedule. 

I'm going to miss my little boy a lot. Even though I was back at work for 11 months, after my 14.5 month maternity leave, I've really loved getting to spend all my time with him. I would love to be able to stay at home with him but, as a single mother, I don't have that luxury. I'll be fine and I'm sure my wonderful little boy will be fine with the arrangements too.

I really feel like I could just cry. I think I just feel overwhelmed. It was the same with maternity leave and once the first day was over it was a little bit better.

I have one last appointment with the counsellor before I take a break for a month or two. I feel a bit anxious about that being my last one for a while. I'm not sure I'm ready to stop counselling. I find that strange because I was reluctant to give it a try in the beginning. I really do feel the benefit from it. 

I'm getting there. 

single mother thoughts

Sometimes it really hits me how difficult I found pregnancy as a single mother to be. [Long story short is my ex broke up with me because I wanted to keep my baby.] Sometimes reading other blogs reminds me of how alone I was at a vulnerable time, at the most life changing thing I'll ever experience. Honestly, what is going to change my life more than becoming a mother for the first time? I did have support from my mother, sister and various midwives but it wasn't really the same as having someone who was supposed to be as excited as I was. 

All that being said, I did enjoy my pregnancy. I loved feeling my son growing and kicking inside me. It was beyond amazing. As well as a physically difficult pregnancy it was emotionally difficult as well. I was delighted to be having a baby. I loved him before he was even born, before I had even seen him on an ultrasound. I was scared about being a single mother. Some of the worries I still have - how will I manage? What about work and childcare? Will I be enough for my son? There are plenty more. I dreaded being asked about the father. It reduced me to tears at many midwife appointments. 

Even now I find it difficult to read about pregnant women who aren't happy their partner isn't excited, aren't happy their partner isn't talking more about the baby, their partners are stressing them out worrying about finances. I know these are all genuine fears and they are important to those women. It's just I sometimes compare that to my own experience and it reminds me that I didn't have close to that. Finances was a worry I carried alone. The only interest my ex showed in my pregnancy was trying to persuade me to terminate it.

I'm sure I'm just whining but something I read tonight just got to me. I know it wasn't intentional. I'm just rubbish at times. I think it can be similar to reading a water birth story. That was the dream I had that never happened. My birth experience is for another day though.

Breastfeeding

"How are you planning on feeding your baby?" Various midwives asked at antenatal appointments. It wasn't really a question to me, I always knew I would breastfeed. What I didn't know what that it might not be quite that easy.

I'm delighted to say that I breastfed my son until he self weaned just before 18 months. I didn't encourage weaning, in fact I still offered but he wasn't interested. For me self weaning was the ultimate goal, I just didn't expect it to happen that early but I feel satisfaction in knowing that I breastfed my son for as long as he wanted.

We had a rough start. I had a traumatic birth and didn't get skin to skin or attempt feeding until he was three hours old. (I had an emergency forceps delivery complete with episiotomy and a seperate third degree tear. I had to be stitched up in theatre with a spinal anaesthetic. Yes, a spinal anaesthetic after I'd given birth).

I asked for help and I kept telling midwives I didn't think he was feeding right and I was repeatedly told it was normal to think that. I was discharged before breastfeeding was established and it wasn't long before I was in agony with cracked and bleeding nipples. The hospital I gave birth in didn't forward my discharge papers to the community midwife unit (cmu) so no-one came out to see us the following day.

The second night home was awful. My son wouldn't stop crying and I was in tears because I was in agony and he was bringing up blood (my blood, from my nipples). I was crying with him at the thought of feeding him. I felt like an awful mother. I remember going into the kitchen, opening up the steriliser and putting a bottle in. In the time it took for the steriliser to sterilise the bottle I had slightly calmed down and phoned the midwife unit in tears and drove myself the half hour drive to cmu in the middle of the night.

The midwives there were fantastic and said my positioning was wrong. They showed me how to properly position him and they showed me how to feed lying down since it hurt to sit up. They mentioned he was quite jaundiced so kept me in until the morning. They assured me I was doing the right thing asking for help and couldn't believe I'd been discharged before breastfeeding was established.

The next day, a few hours after we were home, a midwife came out to weigh him. This was day four and he had lost over 12% of his birth weight, so it was back to the main hospital we went, he was seriously dehydrated so we were readmitted. I was advised to give him fomula top ups because of the dehydration, I really didn't want to do this but he was unwell and I felt like I didn't have a choice. My milk still hadn't come in so I was given domperidone.

We stayed in hospital for two more nights, until I was confident with breastfeeding. I was expressing after every feed to encourage my supply. My milk finally came in on day 6. Midwives said it was most likely down to the traumatic birth and I had lost a lot of blood (iron dropped from 11.5 to 7).

That evening we were finally discharged. I was happy to be going home but it was mixed with anxiety because when we were previously discharged that's when everything seemed to fall apart.

After our readmission I never used any formula but it wasn't an easy journey. My son was a slow weight gainer, dropping below the 0.2 centile line and my health visitor was pushing formula, even when my GP assured me he was healthy, she continued to weigh him loads and mention he should be gaining more. I didn't give up though. As a compromise I said I would express to top up his feeds but that made absolutely no difference to his weight gain so I stopped.

I did have mastitis on our breastfeeding journey but luckily just the once.

That night I was readmitted and crying to the midwife that I was a failure, that night I would never have believed that I would breastfeed for 18 months.

I think anyone who breastfeeds for any length of time is absolutely amazing. I was so naive when I was pregnant and had no idea that it wouldn't be easy (as least not for me). At my antenatal appointments the midwives mentioned the benefits but no-one ever told me it might hurt.

I'm so glad I didn't give up. I absolutely loved breastfeeding my son and I was sad when our breastfeeding journey came to an end.

appointment

Yesterday I ended up taking bug to my appointment. Unfortunately because I had to wake him up from his nap he wasn't in the best of moods. I timed it so we would get to the doctors surgery for bang on 3:30pm but, of course, they were running late. After about thirty seconds of sitting in the waiting room we were having a meltdown. I know it must be frustrating for him. Luckily my doctor only had one patient in front of me so it wasn't too long a wait.

Appointment went well and I'm going back to see her in four weeks. She wants to see how I'm coping when I return to work at the end of the month. I asked how long I'd be on the AD's and she said most likely six months but we can talk about how I'm doing at the end of the year. She did remind me not to stop taking them until she agrees it's ok. I wouldn't anyway. I've still to keep taking the antibiotics for rosacea. I think they're making me feel generally yucky but they are helping. This was my third appointment with my own GP but I did have three appointments with another GP previously (because my own GP was on annual leave when I managed to phone to make an appointment).

I'm getting there.

tears in the car

My poor little boy cried the whole drive home from L's. I'm pretty sure it was a tired/grumpy cry because he asked for bear and a nap as soon as we got home. Currently napping. It's hard when he's upset in the car, since I'm driving I'm very limited in what I can do. Poor little man. I do keep a selection of toys in the car for him but he just wasn't interested today.

I was at a rather busy cross road waiting to go when I was thinking that it's amazing my son doesn't distract me from driving. I'm not sure if that makes me horrible or now. I know ultimately it has to be a good thing, shows my attention is on the road but I worry about my son thinking I'm ignoring him. I do talk to him when we're in the car and try to calm him best I can. I guess it's just one of those things.

I have a doctors appointment at 3:30pm. I'm hoping little man is feeling better after his nap. Last time I was at the doctors they were running late and my boy just wasn't happy in the waiting room. He made sure everyone knew how frustrated he was by lying on the floor, kicking his legs and screaming as loud as he can. It must be hard when he doesn't understand why he's having to wait and why mummy can only manage to bring a few toys. S offered to watch him while I was at my appointment but that would mean a fifteen minute drive to take him there, fifteen minute drive back to the doctors, fifteen minute drive back to pick him up and then a fifteen minute drive back home. That's an hour of driving. Maybe it would be better for him to spend some time with S and his cousins rather than waiting with mummy at the doctors. I'll need to make a decision by 3pm so I'll see how he is then with regards to his nap.

I'm thinking after this appointment I won't have to see my GP as often. I'm sure with the initial PPD once I felt alright she was happy for me to plod on but made sure I was to contact her if I had any concerns or started feeling rubbish again.

Time for a hot drink while I can!

happy mummy

There is nothing better than being a mummy to my wonderful little boy. I love him so, so much. I could burst with how much love I have for him. He is absolutely amazing. It's been hard, on my own, but I wouldn't change him for the world. My wonderful, sweet baby boy.

I love how he says helicopter. I can't even type it. It's as though he spits the word out but it's too cute.

He's getting really good with his colours. Purple, blue, pink, yellow were all ones he used correctly today. Instead of telling me he has a car it's a yellow car.

The last few days he's been pretending to sleep on the sofa, complete with a little cover over himself and he'll throw the cover off and shout 'it's morning!!'

My son has this laugh that you can't help but join in with the laughing. He is such a happy little boy and is very social, he loves to be around people. He is brilliant with playing with other children. I remember feeling worried when it was his first day with the childminder (wow, over a year ago) but he was great. I'm so proud of him. I'm so lucky to be a mummy to my little boy.

I honestly couldn't imagine my life without him.

counselling thoughts

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. I love this.

I started seeing a counsellor at the beginning of May. My last scheduled appointment with her is at the beginning of July. After that I'll take a break for a month or two and then if I want to I can resume appointments. The reason for the break is because my employer pays for six sessions with her but in the documents I received it states that I'm not allowed to continue with her privately. Last week she asked how I felt about that being my second last appointment. I mentioned that I'd read if I wanted to continue with counselling I'd have to see someone else. She said there are ways around that, she can request that I continue privately or I can leave it a month or two and then contact her myself.

I'm going to keep an open mind and see how I'm feeling but at the moment I feel like I will continue with counselling. I feel the benefit of it. Just being able to speak to someone and be completely open and honest. Perhaps the open part isn't quite true yet. I still find it difficult to talk but I'm getting there. Before the first appointment with her I was terrified of it. I was worried that I was going to go and the counsellor was going to expect an explanation as to why I feel the the way I do. Of course it wasn't like that at all. I get upset talking, I've got upset a lot at the five appointments but, in a positive way, I've been able to make changes to how I think and see things. The counsellor said I think in black and white. Something very important I think I've learned/taken from counselling is that I need to see myself how I am and not how I think I should be. I really think about this and I completely agree. I was hung up on I shouldn't feel like this, I should be feeling better, I shouldn't still be struggling, I should be back at work.. That kind of mindset isn't healthy and it isn't the least bit helpful. How could I work through things if I didn't see how I am. Now I do and now I've made progress. I am depressed and it's ok. I've asked how help (huge step for me.. or anyone I imagine). I can feel down about things but also happy about other things (for example - my beautiful boy). It's ok to have mixed feelings. Etc. Etc.

I see now that I've been through a lot over the past few years.

• unplanned pregnancy
• breakup because I kept my baby (I didn't think happened when you were in your mid-twenties)
• couldn't return to uni as planned so withdrew my readmission
• difficult pregnancy both physical (hyperemesis, SPD) and emotional (single mother to be, scans/appointments with lots of happy couples in the waiting room was hard, child birth classes..)
• traumatic birth
• the usual first time mother worries
• Post Partum Depression (PPD)
• raising my son on my own
• returning to work

Seeing it like that has helped me see what I've been through. The counsellor has helped me go through a lot of what's happened.  I can also see that somethings will always bother me and that's ok. I just don't need to be as overwhelmed by them.

I'm getting there. I just hope I continue to go in the right direction once I go back to work at the end of the month.

Bit of an intro

*Hello* I'm J and I'm mummy to a wonderful little boy (who I'll most likely refer to as bug, a pet name from when I was pregnant). Yesterday marked three years since I found out I was pregnant. Wow, three years and it feels like yesterday. My son was born in early March 2010. He's now just over 2, and a quarter, years old and I honestly couldn't imagine my life without him.

I just thought of the name mummy tantrums because I'm right in the middle of the so-called terrible twos (they started earlier than two!!). I also have some tantrums of my own ranging from single motherhood, traumatic birth and a long term battle with PostPartum Depression (PPD).

I had a relapse into depression at the beginning of this year. In hindsight it started in the middle of last year but that's the thing with hindsight isn't it? Here's a bit of a summary...

February 2012 - finally kept an appointment to see a GP. Decided depression had returned. Prescribed Fluoxetine (20mg daily). 

April 2012 - No difference so switched to mirtazapine (15mg daily). 

May 2012 - Seen my own GP (who I seen throughout my inital PPD). I felt the mirtazapine wasn't worth the side effects. Prescribed lofepramine again (210mg daily after one week of 140mg daily). 

[the GP I seen in between wanted to try newer AD's since lofepramine is an older one. My own GP was happy for me to take them since she felt I done well on them last time]

May 2012 was also when I started seeing a counsellor. I was a bit hesitant about the counselling but it's definitely made a difference. I'll write more about the counselling soon. 

I'm getting there. My son is absolutely wonderful and without a doubt he is the brightest star in my life. I'm so, so lucky to be his mummy. 

PPD is awful and it's one of those things that no-one talks about. It's been a struggle but I know I'm doing everything that I can to be the mummy that my son deserves.

two appointments

First appointment was with the counsellor this morning...

It was a fifteen minute walk from the car to the centre. Fifteen minutes was plenty of time to get the anxiety built up.

The colour of the centre was a nice pale green colour. Very calming. I liked it.

The receptionist was very welcoming which helped.

I was waiting for ten minutes (I was early) before the counsellor, called for me. After she introduced herself she asked how I was. I said I was feeling anxious because I didn't know what to expect. She asked if I had seen a counsellor before (no) and then explained what would happen (today she just wanted to get an idea of the situation). She also ran through the confidentiality agreement. Even though my work are paying for this nothing is fed back to them.

She asked me to take her through the last few years.

I found out I was pregnant in June 2009. FW broke up with me when I refused to have a termination. I skipped ahead to not feeling right since Gabriel was a few weeks old but ignoring it until finally seeing my GP in November 2010 when she diagnosed PPD. Fast forward again to May 2011 when I stopped taking AD's (on GP's advice). Ok for a few months and then downward spiral to a crash in January 2012. Eventually kept an appointment in February 2012 and started AD's fluoxetine followed by mirtazapine.

Picking up on what I missed out she asked how I felt going through pregnancy without a partner. I said it was hard. Midwife appointments, scans, birth classes - all full of happy couples. She asked about the birth, I said it wasn't what I wanted, I had lovely visions of a nice relaxed birth at the midwife led unit but it didn't happen. I said it was emergency forceps followed by three hours in theatre being stitched back together. She how the first few weeks were and I said about all the breastfeeding problems which I felt were my fault because of the birth.

She asked if I got on with Bug. I found that a strange question. I do. He is a wonderful little boy which is why I feel so guilty.

She asked why I felt guilty. I said I feel guilty for feeling like this, so down and upset. I have an amazing little boy so I should be so happy. I shouldn't be feeling like this.

She said that a lot has happened over the last few years and looking at it she wouldn't be thinking someone would be ok. She sort of reassured me it was ok to ask for help. From talking to me she thinks I'm someone who would try to get on with it, which can be good but also makes it harder to see when things really aren't ok.

She also asked me to consider that it's ok to have mixed feelings. Part of me can be happy, positive etc with Bug but then another part can be down, sad, upset etc. To be honest that did make me think more about it.

She really wants me to go back and see her. I was honest and said I would but if it was left to me to phone and make the appointment I probably wouldn't call. It's the same when I cancel doctors appointments. I tell myself I'll just see how I feel.

My next appointment is 14th May and she booked in a 3rd one for the 22nd May.

So that was my first counselling session. I'm sure it's a bit all over the place. It was strange in a way. It felt like no time at all.

---

Second appointment was this afternoon with my GP...

Since the other GP I was seeing left the practice this was with my own GP. She said she'd had a read from when I seeing the other gp and didn't think I was doing too well. She asked what had been happening since I last seen her.

I said I didn't want to keep taking mirtazapine because I feel that it's making me irritated and annoyed at everything and it's not me. She agreed that wasn't doing any good and has prescribed lofepramine, she said I done quite well on that last time, before I stopped taking them, and even though it's an older one she's happy to see how I get on again.

I said to her about the counselling and she said I probably won't know if it's for me until I go a few more times but I'm doing the right thing by keeping an open mind.

Once she wrote me out the prescription for lofepramine she commented on my skin. For anyone who doesn't know, I have rosacea. She asked if it was bothering me. Yes. So has also prescribed an antibiotic to see if it helps calm it down. (I'm going to be taking so many tablets!!)

She doesn't think I should be rushing back to work so has signed me off for another four weeks. I'm back to see her four weeks today.

She is a brilliant doctor.

While she was speaking to me she got out a big box of toys to entertain Bug. It wasn't long before all the toys were all over the floor. Bug also ran over to one of the drawers and she said to him that unless he wanted a smear test he doesn't need anything from there! That made me laugh. He did put all the toys back in the box. :)

postpartum depression

I feel like I have absolutely no confidence these days.

I also have a lot of unresolved feelings about my pregnancy, labour, birth and the first few weeks. Not to mention post partum depression. A lot of things made me feel like a massive failure.

For various reasons I felt I put a lot of pressure on myself when I was pregnant. It was against the odds that I became pregnant in the first place and I felt like it was my one chance. I didn't have an easy pregnancy and so many times I honestly felt I was going to lose my baby. Between the pushy consultant wanted to do a laparoscopy at 5 weeks because she was sure it was ectopic based on one blood sample and not seeing what she expected on the scan. Hyperemesis meant I kept getting dehydrated and needing fluids. Leak in my waters at 30 weeks. Then right at the end being in distress, losing his heart beat and him needing to be dragged out of me. I am truly thankful that he is here and completely healthy. As I've said I'll forever be in debt for being given my own miracle baby.

From the birth I feel like my body failed because at the end it wasn't keeping my baby safe, I didn't get the chance to push my baby into the world, he was pulled. I didn't have an epidural but I was in shock that I didn't actually feel it. I didn't feel the episiotomy and I didn't feel myself tearing. I do remember shaking a lot when he was born. I did lose a lot of blood. (I'm sure my notes said over a litre and my iron dropped from 11.5 to 7). I got a quick cuddle then I was taken away to theatre. It wasn't until I had to sit up for the spinal that I thought what on earth has happened to me.

It makes me feel sad to look at newborn pictures because the time stamps just remind me that I lost the first three hours of my son's life. (I didn't realise it was so long, I thought it was just over two but my mum said it was definitely longer and when I checked my old memory card with the time stamps, she was right).

I feel guilty because if I hadn't had the delivery I had then my son wouldn't have been unwell in the first week which resulted in a readmission.

Two midwives, who I'll never forget, saved my breastfeeding experience.

After the breastfeeding challenges there was postpartum depression. It took me months to go and see my GP. I remember putting the carseat on the floor and my lovely son looked up at me and smiled. What was wrong with me? I just burst into tears.  I felt absolutely awful. Again I felt like I had failed him. I was advised to take antidepressants and I definitely had a good cry the first feed after I took them. I felt like my milk was tainted despite my GP assuring me it was safe.

6 months later I stopped. I felt fine didn't I?

I think all this is coming back because I'm still having issues relating to the damage I received at delivery. I know I should really make an appointment but I just can't. Main reason is I just don't want to and second reason is I'll probably get really upset about it which I'm sure will invite more questions.

Postpartum depression is one of those things that no-one really talks about. No matter how many campaigns there are, it's just one of those things. I think it was my lack of wanting to talk about it that I happily accepted antidepressants. Perhaps that was a mistake and why I'm feeling the way I do now.

I just don't know. I'm still plodding on and it's not affecting me looking after my son, going to work etc. I just feel drained and it feels like something isn't quite right.