mix of things

Sometimes I still feel scared writing about it. It's hard not to. 

Morning sickness has kicked in. Calling it morning sickness is a bit misleading since it's all day and night. It started last week with just feelings of nausea which progressed to dry heaving (lovely) and now I'm being sick. I had to come home from work today. I really didn't want to tell work just yet but I really couldn't stay. My manager gave me a bit of a hard time about it because I didn't want to tell him. (he isn't really a manager he is only an acting team manager & his girlfriend works in the same department and I didn't feel he would keep confidence - if he broke confidence and told his girlfriend then everyone would know). I took advice from an actual manager first and she assured me that as an acting team manager it would be a sackable offence if he told anyone. So he wasn't happy I spoke to another first and said I should really be speaking to him and I can't speak to anyone else. I'm pretty sure I can speak to whoever I want to and if I don't want to speak to a jumped up acting team manager then I won't. 

Anyway.. I felt better once I was home. Mainly because I could be sick in my own toilet and I could sleep or just lay down when I felt really bad. I know I can't be off work until it clears up completely. The plan is to take it one day at a time. If it continues or gets worse I'll go speak to my GP. My mum had really bad sickness with both me and my sister. 

In other news I finally got my car fixed. I'm sure I've mentioned the oil saga at some point? Well car has been having oil problems since April. I wasn't driving it last week because it was making funky noises. I had forgotton how much I hate getting the bus. Just having to rely on a bus service and having to work my plans around their timetable (so I was only going to work and the hospital but still). On Saturday I initially drove the car into the next town but the garage I planned on going to was closed because of the holiday weekend. I nearly took it to arnold clark vauxhall but thought better of it *laughs* I remembered a garage in my own town I pass every day going to work. Fortunately the garage was open and the mechanic, Davie, wasn't too busy :) £15 later and my car had the oil valve replaced, 2 litres of oil and the latch to pop the bonnet fixed! :) 

The cd player/radio went into safe mode (I think 6 weeks ago now!!) and I've only just got around to doing something about that. Simple really - vauxhall have to order a code for it. I was annoyed because when they sold me the car they never gave me the code but I had to pay £23 for it. Not much was going to be done since I've had the car for well over 2 years now. I should have sound back in the car for the weekend!

That's what's been going on. 

I was saying to my mum today that it's starting to hit me that I'm going to be alone. I mean a single parent. It's scary. I know I have my mum, sister, family, friends etc but it's still daunting that I won't have a partner. When I was up at the hospital on Friday morning for my scan everyone had someone with them but I was by myself. I don't think I'd even want to be with Alex after everything that's happened. He made me choose between him and the baby. My mum asked if I regret it happened. I honestly don't.  I do want to have this baby. I didn't realise just how much until I was admitted to hospital, terrified the worst was going to happen. The relief at my scan on Friday when I could see the tiny heartbeat. I'm just overwhelmed and have no idea how I'm going to manage.

Follow up scan

I had my first appointment with the midwife on Wednesday. She was lovely and was understanding when she asked if I had a partner and my answer was I did but he doesn't want anything to do with this. This was a pre-booking appointment so not much happened. I was weighed and measured (1.69m and 56kg). She took my blood pressure but I have no idea what it was - it was fine though. I was also given lots of reading material. Various leaflets and a book called ready steady baby which I'm sure I've seen a website for. I have to read about all the different blood tests they do and screening etc. I also mentioned I was previously vegan but converted back to vegetarian once I found out. She gave me a leaflet about being vegetarian but I had been reading online about it. It's safe for me to take iron supplements but they'll check my iron at a later date. 

When I'm 10 weeks a midwife will come out to my house to book me which from what I gathered is just going through my medical history and any family history (illness, disorders etc). 

So that was that. 

This morning I was up at the EPAC for my follow up scan. I was advised to go with a full bladder but I was having trouble keeping water down this morning. I some how managed to drink enough water on my way there. By the time I was checked in I really thought I was going to burst. First thing was taking a blood sample. Since my right arm is extemely bruised from the IV last weekend she took it from my left arm and I don't know why but not it's all bruised and kinda swollen. Nice. While she was doing that I asked if it would be an abdominal scan or a transvaginal because I didn't think I could wait. She said she wasn't sure because she doesn't do the scanning. I think I had to wait about five more minutes for the scan but it felt longer. Turns out it was a transvaginal. The women tried an abdominal scan first and could see the gestational sac and something in it but she wanted a better look... I didn't care I was just glad when she said to empty my bladder! (sure you all wanted to know)

So this was my third scan. My last period puts me just over 6 weeks. It's still so unreal seeing it on the screen. I don't even know how to explain it. I seen the heart beat today. It was tiny but was flickering away. She also said I'm still really early and might not yet even be 6 weeks. They won't date that early so I'll find out later on. I asked for a picture. I did add that it's probably stupid because it's so small and I'm so early. She said I deserved one after what I've been through lately. 

I still have the cyst on my right side but it hasn't grown at all in the week. Both the women doing the scan and the doctor didn't seem concerned because it's so small. The doctor I spoke to, after the scan, said they wouldn't do anything about it anyway and doesn't feel it requires close monitoring so looks like I'll be keeping a low profile for now. 

My next scan is my 12 week scan on 14th August. 6 weeks away today.  I hope I make it to then. 

I will share the picture once I can scan it in ;)