I feel like I have absolutely no confidence these days.
I also have a lot of unresolved feelings about my pregnancy, labour, birth and the first few weeks. Not to mention post partum depression. A lot of things made me feel like a massive failure.
For various reasons I felt I put a lot of pressure on myself when I was pregnant. It was against the odds that I became pregnant in the first place and I felt like it was my one chance. I didn't have an easy pregnancy and so many times I honestly felt I was going to lose my baby. Between the pushy consultant wanted to do a laparoscopy at 5 weeks because she was sure it was ectopic based on one blood sample and not seeing what she expected on the scan. Hyperemesis meant I kept getting dehydrated and needing fluids. Leak in my waters at 30 weeks. Then right at the end being in distress, losing his heart beat and him needing to be dragged out of me. I am truly thankful that he is here and completely healthy. As I've said I'll forever be in debt for being given my own miracle baby.
From the birth I feel like my body failed because at the end it wasn't keeping my baby safe, I didn't get the chance to push my baby into the world, he was pulled. I didn't have an epidural but I was in shock that I didn't actually feel it. I didn't feel the episiotomy and I didn't feel myself tearing. I do remember shaking a lot when he was born. I did lose a lot of blood. (I'm sure my notes said over a litre and my iron dropped from 11.5 to 7). I got a quick cuddle then I was taken away to theatre. It wasn't until I had to sit up for the spinal that I thought what on earth has happened to me.
It makes me feel sad to look at newborn pictures because the time stamps just remind me that I lost the first three hours of my son's life. (I didn't realise it was so long, I thought it was just over two but my mum said it was definitely longer and when I checked my old memory card with the time stamps, she was right).
I feel guilty because if I hadn't had the delivery I had then my son wouldn't have been unwell in the first week which resulted in a readmission.
Two midwives, who I'll never forget, saved my breastfeeding experience.
After the breastfeeding challenges there was postpartum depression. It took me months to go and see my GP. I remember putting the carseat on the floor and my lovely son looked up at me and smiled. What was wrong with me? I just burst into tears. I felt absolutely awful. Again I felt like I had failed him. I was advised to take antidepressants and I definitely had a good cry the first feed after I took them. I felt like my milk was tainted despite my GP assuring me it was safe.
6 months later I stopped. I felt fine didn't I?
I think all this is coming back because I'm still having issues relating to the damage I received at delivery. I know I should really make an appointment but I just can't. Main reason is I just don't want to and second reason is I'll probably get really upset about it which I'm sure will invite more questions.
Postpartum depression is one of those things that no-one really talks about. No matter how many campaigns there are, it's just one of those things. I think it was my lack of wanting to talk about it that I happily accepted antidepressants. Perhaps that was a mistake and why I'm feeling the way I do now.
I just don't know. I'm still plodding on and it's not affecting me looking after my son, going to work etc. I just feel drained and it feels like something isn't quite right.
I also have a lot of unresolved feelings about my pregnancy, labour, birth and the first few weeks. Not to mention post partum depression. A lot of things made me feel like a massive failure.
For various reasons I felt I put a lot of pressure on myself when I was pregnant. It was against the odds that I became pregnant in the first place and I felt like it was my one chance. I didn't have an easy pregnancy and so many times I honestly felt I was going to lose my baby. Between the pushy consultant wanted to do a laparoscopy at 5 weeks because she was sure it was ectopic based on one blood sample and not seeing what she expected on the scan. Hyperemesis meant I kept getting dehydrated and needing fluids. Leak in my waters at 30 weeks. Then right at the end being in distress, losing his heart beat and him needing to be dragged out of me. I am truly thankful that he is here and completely healthy. As I've said I'll forever be in debt for being given my own miracle baby.
From the birth I feel like my body failed because at the end it wasn't keeping my baby safe, I didn't get the chance to push my baby into the world, he was pulled. I didn't have an epidural but I was in shock that I didn't actually feel it. I didn't feel the episiotomy and I didn't feel myself tearing. I do remember shaking a lot when he was born. I did lose a lot of blood. (I'm sure my notes said over a litre and my iron dropped from 11.5 to 7). I got a quick cuddle then I was taken away to theatre. It wasn't until I had to sit up for the spinal that I thought what on earth has happened to me.
It makes me feel sad to look at newborn pictures because the time stamps just remind me that I lost the first three hours of my son's life. (I didn't realise it was so long, I thought it was just over two but my mum said it was definitely longer and when I checked my old memory card with the time stamps, she was right).
I feel guilty because if I hadn't had the delivery I had then my son wouldn't have been unwell in the first week which resulted in a readmission.
Two midwives, who I'll never forget, saved my breastfeeding experience.
After the breastfeeding challenges there was postpartum depression. It took me months to go and see my GP. I remember putting the carseat on the floor and my lovely son looked up at me and smiled. What was wrong with me? I just burst into tears. I felt absolutely awful. Again I felt like I had failed him. I was advised to take antidepressants and I definitely had a good cry the first feed after I took them. I felt like my milk was tainted despite my GP assuring me it was safe.
6 months later I stopped. I felt fine didn't I?
I think all this is coming back because I'm still having issues relating to the damage I received at delivery. I know I should really make an appointment but I just can't. Main reason is I just don't want to and second reason is I'll probably get really upset about it which I'm sure will invite more questions.
Postpartum depression is one of those things that no-one really talks about. No matter how many campaigns there are, it's just one of those things. I think it was my lack of wanting to talk about it that I happily accepted antidepressants. Perhaps that was a mistake and why I'm feeling the way I do now.
I just don't know. I'm still plodding on and it's not affecting me looking after my son, going to work etc. I just feel drained and it feels like something isn't quite right.
