worries

I think the only relief I get now as when I use the ice pack. 

I woke up this morning in so much pain before I even got out of bed. I'm currently typing (very slowly and on the iPad) with a splint on my right hand and the ice pack wrapped around my left wrist. 

It's draining, both physically and emotionally. It's painful to help bug get dressed, make him breakfast, brush his teeth, tie his shoes, fasten him into his seat belt... This morning his toy dinosaur ran out of battery so he asked me to change it. Simple enough right? Well, no actually because I had to tightly hold it and then twist a screwdriver until the battery compartment opened. Annoyingly, I thought it took AA batteries but its AAA and I don't have enough. Things like that are trivial but aggravate the pains in my hands, wrists and forearms. 

I'm due back at work on Friday. How is that going to happen? My job role will do nothing but aggravate it. I'm worried about going back but I'm worried if I don't go back. I don't know what to do. I know I'm going to find it difficult and after waking up in pain this morning (before I'd even used my hands at all) I'm even more worried about the level of pain I'll be in come Friday afternoon. 

I'm also very aware of the fact that tomorrow it's been five months since I stopped AD's and I really can't let this push into another relapse. To be fair the depression I had before wasn't circumstantial, since it started as postpartum depression, but I'm still very aware of it. Maybe the concern is just from knowing that I'll always be more fragile now. 

Typing this has taken forever. I'm so glad the iPad corrects spelling mistakes since limited movement means lots of wrong letters. Ice pack now warm and pain coming back in left wrist so time to stop.

Physiotherapy 2 (bilateral CTS)

I keep meaning to write an update about the bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome but haven't been able to face a lengthy update.

On Friday I had my second appointment with the physiotherapist (F). I said there wasn't any change since the week before. Still numbness/tingling, shooting pains up my arms and into my hands, pulsing feeling at my wrist which is agony. She used the ultrasound again. It feels really strange because even with the cold gel it feels hot. After that she asked how I felt about acupuncture. I'd never had it before but being in this much pain I'd try it. She said we'll only try the right side so she put a needle into my wrist, one into the muscle at the base of my thumb and another on the opposite side. It was a bit nippy having them inserted but once they were in I couldn't really feel them. She left them in for about 5/10 minutes. Afterwards it was sore but the following morning my right hand wasn't as agonising as the left so maybe it done something or maybe it was in my head because I just want something to help. 

I've received a letter to go to the ortho clinic on 12th August. I asked F about it while I was there and she suggested still going but explaining I'd like to pursue physiotherapy before surgery. F said the appointment will most likely be to establish whether or not I'm a good candidate for surgery, she thinks I will be because the symptoms are text book. 

My next appointment with physiotherapist is 5th August. 

I'm due back to work on the 2nd August and I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to cope. I'm sore driving the distance to work never mind using a computer, write, file, generally do my job. 

Bee sting

My little boy was stung by a bee today. It would be more accurate to say he stepped on a bee today. The grass in the garden is full of the little flowers the bees like so there are usually one or two around. 

The stinger wasn't left in but then sole of his foot has swollen and he can't walk on it. Other than that he is absolutely fine. 

I've never been stung myself so I did have a panic incase he wasn't ok. As usual I was more bothered than he was! 

Immunisations

Bug had his immunisations yesterday. I was so proud that he wasn't bothered at all. I had him sitting on my knee, cuddling him and kissing his head. Bug was happy watching what the nurse was doing. No tears. No cries. Nothing. Wow. I'd been dreading them. Afterwards he declared that he was a brave boy. Yes. Yes he was 

The nurse said that she felt me explaining to him beforehand what was going to happen made all the difference. 

After that I took my brave boy to the garden centre (his choice) with nanny. He loves it there. Loves the plants, loves the flowers, loves the fish and other animals. Lovely afternoon. 

On the way home I said we'd stop off for ice cream but he fell asleep in the car. Nanny went into the cafe and just bought a big tub of ice cream so bug could have one at home. This went down very well with my brave little boy. 

Thunder & lightning

After a few weeks in a heat wave things turned stormy this morning. 

Bug loved it. He was amazed with the flashes of lightning. When it was thundering he said it was his tummy rumbling and then decided he needed an early lunch! 

After lunch he decided the thunder was in the sky and not in his tummy. 

Physiotherapy (bilateral CTS)

Today I had my first appointment with the physiotherapist. She was brilliant and while I'm still in agony I'm mentally feeling so much better. She couldn't believe the doctor had referred me to an orthopaedic surgeon having advised me there's nothing else that could be done. That doctor didn't even want me to see a physiotherapist, I had to refer myself.

When I first went in I had to sign some consent forms and then go through where the pain and numbness is. She said it was a textbook case of carpal tunnel syndrome. She checked my neck as some disc problems can trigger CTS symptoms but was all clear. She then done three tests on each hand/wrist my right scored 2/3 and my left 3/3 positives for CTS. The physiotherapist also noticed the muscle wastage on my thumbs. She seems quite confident she can help and it won't come to surgery.

Today she massaged around where the median nerve is in my wrist (ouch) and then used ultrasound on my wrists/hands. The ultrasound is supposed help with healing. 

I've to do the massage myself and I've to wear the support splints at night, when driving and for at least three hours a day. 

I'm back to see her again next Friday. 

Physiotherapy tomorrow

The physiotherapist called this afternoon to say she had a cancellation tomorrow and asked if I'd like the appointment. So happy I finally have an appointment after 5 weeks. I really hope she can help. 

To nursery or not

Bug is due to start nursery in the middle of August. We went to the open day/afternoon and he really enjoyed it. A few times since he's asked about going back, everyone keeps saying how much he'll love it but I'm really in two minds about it. It's 2.5 hours Monday - Thursday.

Being a March baby means Bug will be one of the oldest in his year up until he finishes high school (the cut off dates here are 1st March - 28th February), he's very confident, out going, adventurous etc. 

Perhaps it's my own "issues" and it's. to fair to put it onto him but I'm worried about anything happening, you hear so many stories about questionable staff. I know staff are checked but what does that mean if it still happens? Then there are other worries about what if staff have favourites and Bug gets ignored, left out etc. I know these things can happen at school age but by then he'd be older. Bug talks a lot. Seriously non stop chat but he also has irrational melt downs every day which to me suggests that while he is good with words he's still learning to express himself emotionally - whether he's upset, angry or just frustrated. 

I just don't know. 

I think it's maybe worth a factoring in that he is an only child so the only other close interaction with children is when he see's N or L or when he is at childminders for his 8 hours a week. 

 

The heat continues

I've made an appointment for bugs next lot of immunisations 4 in 1 (diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis (whooping cough) and polio) and an MMR booster. The appointment is the week after next. I'm already dreading it. His last lot were way back in March 2011. 

It's been so hot. Yesterday it was 27°C! There has been lots of playing in the garden. I've just been lathering bug in factor 50 so no burning at all! Lots of sand and water and general running around. It's taking him a while to settle at night but I'm putting that down to the heat since I'm struggling with it myself.

Hot

It's hot. Actually, that's a understatement, at 26°C it's scorching! 

In this ridiculous heat I have the cold. That's right. The cold. Last night I think I seen every hour. As well as being too hot to sleep comfortably, my head, throat, ears and nose felt all stuffy. Here's hoping it's out my system quickly. 

Bug was at the childminder this morning and he won't be back for two weeks (childminder will be on holiday). While he was there I filled his paddling pool. Initially I was just running back and forth with jugs of water but then my neighbour let me use the hose. Bug was delighted when he got home to see the pool. He moves his slide over to it so he can slide into the water. Hours of playing in the garden. Days like this are wonderful. Bug loves being outside. Lots of laughing and throwing water about. 

Our neighbours, F and N, have so much time for him. F sometimes asks to take him a walk to the bottle bank. Yesterday Bug was playing with just a basin of water but said to N he needs to take his glasses off so they don't get ruined - meaning bug was going to try soak him with the water. Last wee I made rice crispy cakes with bug and he insisted on giving one to them. 

I've still not heard from physiotherapy and that's 4 weeks tomorrow. I was at the doctors yesterday and have been referred to see an orthopaedic surgeon. No idea how long that will take. Doctor signed me off for another two weeks so I can see physiotherapist first. The doctor said there wasn't anything further than he could do. I'm worried if I go back without knowing what I can do to support my wrists that I'd be risking further nerve damage. I always feel so guilty being off work but is it worth permanent nerve damage? 

From the mouth of bug...

"I don't like sudocream, it's dangerous!" This was in answer to me wanting to put sudocream on his arm. He had a very dry patch of eczema but had scratched at it until it bled and proceeded to pick the scab. I thought something with an antiseptic was better than just his usual soothing creams. In the end I went for propolis.

"Shhh, the spiders are coming." I have no idea where this came from but it's truly terrifying. 

Country park

On Sunday (30/06) I took bug to a country park. My mum came with us. It's 10 minutes in the car. It was an absolutely brilliant day and we'll definitely be back. There were loads of different walks through the woods with plenty of play areas just off the walks. The majority of the play areas were wood too which bug adored. Then things like swings and slides. Lots of slides. Wet slides. Bug was soaking. After lots of walking and playing we went back to the car so I could change bug into dry clothes. I had packed us a lunch and bug wanted to have a picnic in the bus! The bus was a wooden tram which has chairs and tables downstairs, there were little stairs upstairs which had a winding slide back down. 

We went on the red walk. Some look more adventurous than others. I'm just glad I had wellies to wear too. It was raining on and off but walking through the woods sheltered the worst of it. By the time we were having lunch it had stopped. 

There was a little shop where I got my bug a wooden bug yoyo... 

We were there for 2 and a quarter hours. 

When we were heading home my mum suggested stopping off for ice cream. According to bug it's the best ice cream in the whole world. A good end to a good day. 

4 months

It's been four months since I stopped taking antidepressants. I do think I'm ok. I've had a few wobbles here and there but I've not fallen.