first day with childminder

Today was bug's first day with the childminder. It went so well!

Bug had fallen asleep in the car on the drive there so wasn't too impressed when I woke him lifting him out the car seat. When we got to the childminders house she asked him if she was going to get a cuddle and once she took him from me he cuddled into her and didn't fuss at all. I said to her it was better if I just left quickly so she took him into the kitchen where another boy was playing on the floor and I left.

I felt a little anxious when I was at work. I just kept thinking about whether he was ok or if he was unsettled. I was worried about whether or not he'd eat his lunch. Just everything really.

I shouldn't have worried at all.

When I got back to the childminders after my shift he was asleep on the sofa. She said he was absolutely wonderful and the happiest little boy she's looked after for a while. I was so relieved. I mentioned I was worried in case he wasn't settling. She said he was a very cuddly boy and liked having cuddles with her as well as her two daughters (who will only see bug on school holidays).

As well as telling me what he done while he was there, she also gave me a note of what he done (eg, what he played with), what he had for lunch and snacks, how much of it he ate (all of it today!), nappy changes and when he went to sleep. There was also a bit for any other news and she wrote that he settled great and was generally very happy. She said he has a gorgeous smile.

I feel so much better and I've definitely made the right choice. So not only did I go to pick up my happy little man, I got to hear about how delightful he is :) Bug is back tomorrow again but I'm not worried at all! 

first steps

Bug took his first steps today!

He hasn't taken anymore on his own since but he has been doing loads of standing on his own and walking holding onto his push walker.

I'm so proud and absolutely delighted I got to see his first steps ♥

I was scared I was going to miss them because of my returning to work.

Well done my sweet boy ♥

the day before

I'm not sure if this is crazy or not but I think I'm feeling anxious about bug's first birthday. It hadn't really hit me until an hour or so ago. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe because my little baby is really more of a little boy than a baby boy now? I know part of me will always think of him as my little baby and I know that things don't change over night. This is probably making absolutely no sense at all.

I can't believe that my boy is going to be a whole year old ♥ It's unreal and I know I say it all the time but time has really flown. It's been wonderful.

I was sitting on my bed earlier sorting things out and I just felt really aware that I'm preparing for my son's first birthday. It was such a lovely feeling to realise that.

GP appointment [4]

I had another appointment with my gp this morning. Just really to see how I'm getting on with the ad's. I said to her that I'm feeling much better and don't really get upset anymore. We talked a bit about my approaching return to work and she just reassured me it's normal how I'm feeling - going between the sicky feeling and then not feeling too bad. I've not to feel like I'm taking steps backwards if I get upset/teary for a few days while I adjust to another life changing event. I've been off work for almost 14 months. Almost the past year has been spent with bug and it's going to be a huge change having to leave him for four hours, four times a week. Regarding the ad's, she wants me to keep taking them for another three months. She said normally with ppd (or any depression) ad's are normally prescribed for six months. Tomorrow's been three months since I first spoke about how I felt and started them. I asked what happens when it's time to stop, can I come right off them or is it gradual? She said a lot of people feel anxious about stopping them right away so would prefer to gradually come off them. She said this wasn't necessary so if I felt comfortable stopping completely then I could. She did say I didn't have to decide to today and can talk about it when I go back to see her again. I don't have to go back to see her until the end of April/start of May. Even though I'm comfortable taking them now (and not feeling guilty about it) I'll also be glad when the day comes that I don't have to take them anymore.

my wee guy has the cold

The title says it all. My baby has the cold :( In all honesty I feel we've done well getting to 11.5 months before catching anything! I think it started last night because he just wasn't himself and was up so much more than usual through the night (although that it hard to measure!) Today he's all blocked up and his little nose keeps running. I've given him some calpol because he was feeling rather warm and he's now tucked up in bed. Poor guy. Today he wasn't really interested in eating but he was wanting to nurse more than usual - really reassuring that he's getting something.

I hope my little guy gets over it soon. It's so hard seeing him not well.

Even though he wasn't really himself he's still made me smile. There are so many toys but he would still rather play with things that aren't really toys. He has a basin to play with but today he's started turning it upside down so he can stand on it to reach things that he wouldn't normally reach. Even though I had to keep moving him or moving things out the way it was still a proud mummy moment that he thought to use the basin!

My doctors appointment tomorrow is at 9:30am so it's going to be out early. It's not really as early as it sounds since we're normally up before 7am. There was one day during the week I got to stay in bed until 7:45am and even though I was up a few times during the night it was still amazing!

It's already half 8 so I'm going to go and laze on the sofa with some hot chocolate before calling it a night!

< 2 weeks

In just two weeks my little man will be one year old. It feels so unreal at times. This time last year I was a week away from my due date. I can't believe how quickly our first year together has gone by. It's been the most wonderful year and our time together just keeps getting better. It's been beyond amazing watching my bump grow for 9 months, my body being able to carry and birth a healthy, perfect little baby and then to watch this little newborn baby grow into a wonderful little boy. I'll never be able to express how much I love my beautiful boy but sometimes I feel as though I could burst with the love I have for him. I've never known anything like it. It's very true that nothing compares to the bond between a mother and her child. I'm so, so lucky to share that bond with someone so amazing ♥

I wrote the above yesterday but someone needed cuddles before I had a chance to finish the entry. Then it was too late and there was no chance I was coming back online. Even though I read all my friends updates daily, I'm still feeling a distance from here. I'm still not sure what it is.

As well as being less than two weeks until my little man turns one year old, it's also three weeks today until I return to work *cries* three weeks is no time at all. Sometimes I think I feel almost numb about it rather than that sicky feeling. I'm trying to put it to the back of my mind but it's getting louder as my return date gets closer. There's really nothing I can do about it so I know I need to get on with it.

My sister was up today with my lovely nephew. He hadn't been well for the past week but today, although he wasn't completely back to his usual self, he was looking much brighter. I'm so glad. I know how much my sister was worrying about him. Poor little guy. Her bump is growing so I've given her three maternity tops (the green one, the grey hooded one and the black one that says coming soon on it). I just don't want to part with the other ones. How sad is that?! Chances are I won't need them again but I can't bring myself to let go. One of them is the black one I wore a lot. It was so comfy and I just loved it. The other one is a creamy colour, but it was the first one I bought so it means something. I still have my two pairs of maternity jeans as well. I did give her one pair of maternity jeans that I didn't wear so much. Strange attachments to clothing. That's new!

first and last

Today is my last official day of maternity leave. That's sort of sad. So it's annual leave from tomorrow.

Gabriel has one of those push walkers, it has wooden blocks in it. Well, this morning he walked across the living room pushing it! Even though he's been cruising around the furniture for weeks that was the first time he done that! Well done my little man!

some sort of update

I can't believe that, in less than a week, I'm going to be a mummy to an 11 month old!

Sleeping is going wonderful. The last few nights when I've put bug down at 7pm there has been no fuss at all. Not even a whimper. I'm delighted that he finally feels secure enough to fall asleep by himself. I'd normally have to stay in the room with him or comfort him but now he can do it himself!

I'm still breastfeeding bug but I've noticed lately that he's wanting fewer feeds. I've still been breastfeeding on demand as I've done from the start. There is still at least one night feed (on a good night, sometimes more), a big feed in the morning, after lunch, before dinner and before bed. I've not made any decisions about how long I'll continue to breastfeed for. I go back to work in less than 6 weeks *cries* not long after bug turns one *more cries*. I'm guessing the feeds will continue to decrease up until he's a year old. Since I'll be working 9:30 - 1:30 (initially) then it would be less stressful for bug if he, at least, drops the after lunch feed. I'm sure he will. In fact I'm thinking he'll drop them all apart from the morning and before bed. I'll see what happens before I decide what I'm going to do. In the early days I never thought I'd love it and I certainly never thought I'd miss it when the came to stop. Now I know I'll miss it. Although I'm also looking forward to wearing normal bras again and I'm really hoping my cup size goes back down to what it was pre-pregnancy so I don't need to buy new bras! I was a D cup and I'm currently a G cup.

Yesterday bug was pushing his truck around the living room. I'm thinking it won't be long before he's ready to let go and have a go at real walking. I'll always think of him as my baby but he's starting to look like a right little boy now. Growing up so fast but I'm making sure I enjoy every minute of it. Yesterday afternoon I was lying on the living room floor while bug was crawling around and he crawled over to me to give me kisses (or what I think is his attempt at kisses) and he was trying to blow raspberries on my tummy - the same as I do to him. Adorable. I love love love my baby boy.

It's been wonderful having ever day with him but I'm started to feel scared about how I'm going to cope leaving him to go to work. I know it has to be done. My maternity leave officially finishes the end of January so as of the 1st February I'm on annual leave. Feels so close. I'll need to make a note to phone up the tax credits on Tuesday to let them no I'm working again so I'll qualify for working tax credits.

In other news. My sister's dating scan is getting so close. A week on Monday. I'm so excited for her :)

Bug has just woken from his nap so this is a good place to stop.

cousins

N is 11 months old today. That is scarily close to one whole year old. I had been looking through all my pregnancy entries (on another blog site) and it's so strange to think that this time last year I was 8 months pregnant. When I was pregnant I couldn't really see past the birth. That was all I was focused on. The end of my pregnancy and getting to meet my baby boy. Thinking of it now it was really just the beginning and my pregnancy feels like a different life time now ♥

I was in tescos with my sister and N yesterday. We had the boys in one of those twin trolleys and it was hilarious. They're so, so funny. They kept hitting each other, in a playful way, and N kept trying to tickle bug's neck. Sister then gave them a bottle of diluting juice to hold and they were going mad with it. 

I've read a few people mentioning that at 11 months (*almost* 11 months for bug) babies don't really interact and play beside each other rather than with each other. I agree all babies are different because our boys definitely interact. Bug follows N around the living room and they are forever taking toys off each other, fighting over the baby wipes and don't even get me started on N's fascination with bug's hair! It's amazing seeing them together. It's been gradual thought. I remember in the early months they would only lie on the mat beside each other and now they are in at everything.

Still plenty of cruising and bug has discovered the stairs. Obviously he can't climb them yet but he does crawl over to them at every opportunity. My mum was right when she told me to make the most of being able to leave a room and find bug in the same place when I came back. I think N will be walking first (and soon) because there's been a few times when he's been up with my sister that he's let go of the couch or the table and stood for a few seconds before falling down. Bug's not quite got at the stage where he's brave enough to let go.

Bug's sleep has been wonderful. Still not sleeping through but so much better. Only 2 or 3 wakings now. For a few weeks he was going down at 7 and waking at 10 for a quick feed. He's now going 7 until 12, then up at 4-ish and then up at 7ish.

I think next week I'm going to try and get to see L. I've not seen her for a while now and she's wanting to properly catch up. I mentioned to her that my sister is pregnant again so she's been really interested (L was a midwife). My sister thinks that L has all the secrets for a pain free, quick delivery! I still can't believe I'm going to be an aunty again :)

where does the time go?

I got a letter from work today confirming that my maternity leave finishes the end of this month. Returning to work just feels so, so close now. I'm dreading it. It really doesn't feel like I've been off work for over a year. It's unreal.

It's also six weeks today until my little man turns one! How is that possible? I can't believe it!  Time has really flown since the start of last year!

Happy Tuesday

My sister had a scan at the hospital this morning. She had been having pains for the past few weeks and was, understandably, worried about them. They were keeping her awake so I suggested she call the cmu last night even if only for reassurance. Well she did call and the midwife got her booked in the epac this morning where they gave her a scan. I offered to drive her up since bug has me up early anyway. I offered to wait in the waiting room so she wasn't by herself. If anything had been wrong I would have wanted to be there to support her etc. Everything was fine. The scan went well and she got to see the heartbeat and her little baby moving around. She's been dated at 9+3 so is due around 20th August. I was started to get worried in the waiting room because she was in for so long. I was so happy when she came bouncing back into the waiting room with her little pictures of my niece or nephew!!

Bug was so well behaved despite the long wait. Of course he decided he wanted fed while we were there. I felt really comfortable with all the pro breastfeeding posters around!

I really think bug is trying to say mama/mumu. He only really started babbling at Christmas time. (Christmas day to be exact!). He can say lots of ah sounds - gaga, baba etc ... it was a little upsetting to hear him say dada but I know it's only sounds. Definitely shows he doesn't know what he's saying because I have obviously never said that to him. Bug does have the cutest little voice :)

He can crawl so fast now. As soon as I open the living room door he's trying to rush out. Not that there's anything exciting in the hall. I was thinking that I'll be glad once he's actually past the cruising stage and walking on his own because cruising comes with lots of falling over while he's finding his balance. I'm sure once he's actually walking on his own there will be a new list of worries. For example - stairs! It's amazing watching him explore and learning new things all the time. His favourite 'toys' at the moment seem to be empty bottles. He also loves trying to get my glass of water and starts laughing and getting excited when he see's me moving it from one place to another. (normally out of bug's reach!). While trying to get things done in the kitchen I gave him a pot and wooden spoon which he had lots of fun with because he could make so much noise. Whenever I'm bathing him he'll be in the bath for 30 seconds before he is splashing and giggling like crazy! He makes me so happy and I really couldn't imagine life without him now.

Last night he slept 7pm - 6:30am and was only up three times. That is a really, really good night for bug! I'm hoping we have another good night tonight. 

a real keyboard

So, after my desktop giving up last weekend, I lasted a whole 6 days before getting a new base unit. 6 days. I need to get me some self control! It wasn't too bad checking from my blackberry but I'm glad to be using a real keyboard again!

Work is finally all sorted! I have 6 weeks of annual leave so my official date of return is the 11th of March. Less than two months away. It's really hitting me that two months is no time at all. I'm delighted that my return date falls the week after bug's first birthday.
  

Sister & N were up for a visit today (as usual for a Friday). It's wonderful seeing the boys playing together. They are just so cute and funny. When they first walked into the living room bug was so happy to see N. Adorable.

Last night was a really good night, sleep-wise, for bug. There was even a five hour stretch thrown in between 7pm and 12am. Slowly getting better. A huge difference from just a few months ago. Keeping a stricter bedtime routine has definitely made a very positive difference. :)

Crawling is still going well. The cruising around the furniture is getting better. Much better. But he's still not managed to let go yet. This stage is a bit scary. I know it will be absolutely fine once he's walking but it's the getting there. Lot's of stumbling and falling over. Bug got wooden blocks for Christmas and he gets so excited when he see's me building something with them because as soon as I move away he rushes over to demolish them!

I can't remember if I mentioned it but bug now has 8 teeth!! The newest two made their appearance last weekend. Whenever a new tooth appears breastfeeding is uncomfortable for a few days - I imagine while he is getting used to the tooth himself and adjusts his latch. Sometimes the bites are that sore that I'm afraid to look but I soon forget about it. In the early weeks I could never have imagined reaching ten months of breastfeeding. We've come a long way.

GP appointment [3]

I had another appointment with my GP this morning. This is my 3rd one regarding ppd. It was just a chat about how I'm getting on. She asked how I was feeling, sleeping, eating. I'm feeling better than I was. Still having bad/low/teary days but they're not as often now. I also said I was feeling calmer and not feeling as stressed. I'm sleeping better despite my wee guy being up countless times! I'm eating better and don't really feel like I'm forcing myself to eat. It's mostly down to time if I skip any meals. It really should be higher up on my list of priorities. My GP also asked about the feeling guilty for how I'm feeling/taking ad's. I do still feel guilty and its a mixture of feeling guilty for even needing ad's and feeling guilty over the breastfeeding. She reassured me (again) about the breastfeeding and also how I feel postnatal isn't something I can control.

She also asked if I was looking forward to things more but I said not really because I go back to work really soon! We had a chat about that too and how I'll probably be upset about it and feel awful about leaving my baby but it's normal and I've not to think I'm not coping. She was telling me about when she went back to work after having her first baby she spent each morning and night sobbing for a week or two. She also agreed it'll do my boy good having time away.

I was asked about breastfeeding and what my plans are. I said my aim was a year but will see what happens. She just said it'll probably fade out because there will be mornings that I won't have time (for example - if my boy sleeps in) and there will be nights when I might have to work or go out.

I'm back to see her again the end of February. The plan is to keep taking the ad's for another 4 months.

I'm really lucky to have a fantastic GP!

1.1.11

I cannot believe it's 2011.

As I said in my last entry 2010 was an amazing year for me. I became a mummy to my gorgeous boy in March. Just five days before my son was born I became an aunty to my squishy nephew :)

My resolutions for last year were for my son and nephew to arrive safely and healthy. I also said that I wanted to fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans before the year was up. I achieved this at 6 months post baby when my skinny jeans fit once again!

2011. I'm not sure about resolutions because I've wanted these things since the end of 2010. I want my son to continue to be happy and healthy. He's my world and I tell him how much he means to me every day. I want to beat my ppd. I also want my sister to have a healthy little baby in August. Ideally with an easy pregnancy and a straight forward delivery. (I'm sure she'll do amazing - she had N au natural).

♥

I return to work in March and it feels so close now. 2 months away. I know I've been lucky to have a 14 month stretch off work. A years maternity leave with a month of annual leave on either side of it. I'm lucky in that I'm only returning to work part time. I'll only be leaving my wee guy for 4.5 hours at a time but I feel horrible about it. (My shift is 4 hours and I'm allowing 15 minutes to get to and from work). Since I'm a single mummy he spends all his time with me so I'm thinking/trying to convince myself that it will do him good to have some time away from me. It's not like he's going to some strange, new place. My sister is going to look after him for three of the days so I'm sure he'll have loads of fun and he'll have N to play with. When my sister said she was pregnant I said that I would find a childminder but she really wants to look after bug. I said when she is a bit further on in her pregnancy when it's too much I can find a childminder then but she thinks it will be good for N, especially when the new baby arrives. Obviously it's early days and if it's a bit much I'll be able to find a childminder - at least if it comes to it later on, bug will be used to me working and will, hopefully, understand that I always come back for him. I'm so lucky to have an amazing sister. I've said to her that once the new baby arrives I'll be able to take N out with bug even one afternoon a week and make a big fuss over him :)

So that's work. Hopefully won't be as bad as I'm expecting! I'm not going to think about it too much and make the most of my last 2 full months off with my gorgeous boy.

I don't think much else is happening. bug's sleep is improving but as it's getting late (9:25pm is late for me when I live on broken sleep!) I'll leave that for another day :)

Still cannot believe it's really 2011!