doing lunch

Yesterday, I met up with a friend from work. We hadn't properly spoken in months because I've been off and then for the week I was back in August she was on annual leave. We went somewhere local for lunch because we get 25% off (one benefit of where we work!) and it was brilliant getting to catch up. We had a good bitch about work. I was telling her about my hearing and what our boss was saying. She was updating me on all the changes. One of our other friends was wanting to come for lunch but she was working and we couldn't make it later because then the friend I was meeting needed to pick up her little boy from school. After lunch we just went for a wander into the town. It was a nice afternoon. 

I think the grip in my hands is getting worse. I keep dropping things. Frustrating because last night I dropped a cup of tea and I done it again this morning. Three days now until surgery. Even though it only my right hand that's being operated on at first at least once it's healed I shoud have my dominant hand back! (If all goes well on Tuesday!) 

When I was dropping bug off at nursery on Thursday we were early (actually we were on time, it was the nursery staff taking their time) so we had to wait outside. After a few minutes bug turned around and said "oh mummy, I love you" awww. Even the other parents there were saying aww. Bug is so happy at nursery, he runs in to get his name and puts it into the blue basket without prompting. On Wednesday they were playing a game and learning about traffic lights. Every time I stop at lights bug reminds me that "red means stop, orange means slow down and green means GO!" I'm so happy he's enjoying nursery. He's also now leaving nursery absolutely fine but I'm still running him through what's going to happen when I drop him off. 

Last day of August today. This year is flying by. 

Stana Katic Friday

Today will be known as the day when Stana Katic tweeted me!!

4 days

Four days until the open release/decompression surgery.

Feeling nauseated.

occ health

Last night I went to see "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" with S. I had absolutely no idea what it was about but I enjoyed it. I'm regretting not reading the book first. Luckily, there are five books in the series so I'll need to get them onto my kindle. Good thing about the kindle is I'll still be able to read after my surgery since I won't need to hold it like a book. 

On Tuesday my manager text to let me know that the dreaded occupational health will be contacting me on Wednesday (yesterday). I have absolutely no idea why. I spoke to them in July and despite telling her it was painful to hold a phone she kept me on the phone for over twenty minutes, just being very repetitive. It shouldn't have taken that long for her to take a note of me saying what my GP advised and to let me know what work can do with regards to breaks, ergonomic keyboard. Anyway, so they were to call for an update which is pointless considering I have my surgery booked for next week and there is nothing occ health can do unless they can wave a magic wand and take the pressure off my median nerve. I missed the call. They didn't leave a message and the number was withheld so I can't call back. 

Five days. My surgery is in five days. I feel sick about it. I know it's a very common procedure but there's still the risks. I'm also worried about how much damage has been done to my nerve since it was deemed too severe for cortisone injections. Five days isn't long at all. 

routine

Today was bugs 7th afternoon at nursery. I've mentioned before that he is definitely benefiting from knowing exactly what's going on. Today I'd opened the door and stepped out to hold it open for him and right away he shouted that he needed to hold my hand. 

His meltdowns seem to be triggered by change and frustration. Sometimes frustration when something has changed. I'd written before about the meltdown triggered by drying him downstairs after his bath instead of upstairs. There's also times bug will ask me a question and if I don't give him the answer he is expecting he'll get frustrated and start to scream no. If I drive a different way to the childminders I'll need to explain why or else he will start to get upset. Some things are strange, or at least, they are to me, I'm sure they're very normal and important to bug. When we're talking about something he'll get upset if I try to talk about something else. 

Routine seems to help. It's strange because even as a baby I never enforced any routine. I was very much baby led although I felt this was natural since breastfeeding is very much baby led. I suppose he needs his own routine for now. I'm sure whatever routine he needs will change with him. 

My hand surgery is a week today and I'm worried how recovery is going to affect bug. There are going to be a few days that he won't be at the childminders or nursery. I'm worried he'll be upset at not going and then upset when he starts going again and it takes a while to get back into that routine. Upset is not really the right word. He is always delighted to see his childminder and I know he's enjoying nursery. I mean that he might not understand that I need to take him home and not understanding that he gets to go back. 

When I say meltdown, I don't just mean a tantrum. What I mean is that he completely loses it. It's like he is that frustrated or overwhelmed and just isn't processing what's going on. There is absolutely no talking to him. All I can do is stay close to him until he calms back down. Once he calms back down he is back to being the wonderful, amazing, little boy that he is. 

I'm considering speaking to my GP but I'm not sure. I'm sure it's just his age, he'll grow out of it, it's just his age... but what if it's not that simple? 

catch up

Bug has been brilliant the last two pick ups at nursery. On Thursday and today he has happily come running to me when I arrive to take him home. Very pleased and hope it continues. I think explaining to him what's going to happen has helped a lot. I also think that him understanding he gets to go back to nursery is also helping. Then, of course, he's getting used to dropping his afternoon nap. Although yesterday he did have a nap on his bedroom floor.

Yesterday my baby nephew turned two years old. Where have the last two years gone? It really doesn't feel like that much time has passed. 

On Saturday I went to the city with my sister (who I might give the pseudo name Gwen ;)) and it ws a lovely day. I picked her up at 9am, stopped off for some much needed coffee (cinnamon latte to go) and then headed to the train station. This train station meant only a 15 minute train ride into the city, free parking and no city driving stress. 

We headed to the art store where we both got some bits and pieces. Then we went a wander before going for lunch. More wandering. I got L clothes for his birthday. We also found this little market place where we got some hand made soap. Lush. Then back to the train station. Lovely day. 

On Friday I went down to visit my friend L. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks. We went to the cinema to see "The Heat" which I'd seen before but was funny. After the cinema I went back to hers for some tea and a catch up before heading home. 

So that's what I've been up to. 

Surgery is eight days away but I'll write more on that later. 

pink lemonade cooler

I'm mentally exhausted. I want to write but I just can't.

Here's a pink lemonade cooler instead. 

13 days until carpal tunnel surgery

My decompression surgery is less than two weeks away. 13 days. I'm starting to feel worried about it. I know the procedure itself is pretty straightforward. I'm just worried about any complications. I know they're rare but this is my dominant hand. I'm worried about th nerve damage. I'm worried about this pillar pain around the incision I was told about. I'm worried about having stitches removed. I've never had stitches that weren't dissolvable. (Quite glad of that since my last lot of stitches were to stitch up my pelvic floor.) 

Anyway, from what I've heard the procedure should take about 20 minutes. I'm allowed a light breakfast but nothing to eat after 7am. I can drink 300ml at 11am and then nothing else. I've to be up at the hospital to be admitted to the ward at 12pm. There will be a few hours waiting so I'm planning on bringing a book. I was going to bring my kindle but I thought I'd rather misplace a £3 book instead of a £69 kindle! If anyone's interested the book I'm taking is "Revenge Wears Prada." I'm desperate to read it now but I know if I'm in for a lengthy wait I'll be bored and will be glad of a distraction from the "OMG I'm having surgery" thoughts. 

I'll be awake for the surgery. Awake. It'll be done with a local anaesthetic rather than a general. So, yeah, awake. Apparently I won't feel any pain. I'll be able to feel them doing something but it won't be painful. I'm going to be so paranoid that I can feel it. I asked about it and I'll be lying down with a screen up so I can't see what's going on. 

After I'm all stitched up I imagine will be on the ward for an hour or so and then I can go home. 

I'll need wear my right hand in a high sling for a few days, then just the massive bandage, then stitches out within 2 weeks....

I was seeing the GP today. I have an informal meeting with my manager on Friday so I needed my sick line extended. The GP wrote one for four weeks. 

I've just to make another appointment to see him then, I don't particularly like this GP so I'm actually thinking would it be cheeky to make one with my normal GP? I don't know. 

Anyway, if all goes well, in 13 days I'll only be suffering the symptoms of unilateral carpal tunnel syndrome. 

burst blood vessels

I'm really feeling at a loss just now.

After screaming this afternoon my little boy has some burst blood vessels around his eyes. 

He let me take the photo once he'd calmed down.

I really don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. 

Is it just the adjustment to nursery that's overwhelming? Nursery also means he's now missing his afternoon nap. I'm sure tiredness is making things so much worse. 

Plan of action

So I've explained numerous times to bug what is going to happen at nursery this afternoon. When I asked him what was going to happen he said he'll take my hand, have his shoes changed, walk to the car and see N. I checked with aunty S and she is ok with a visit to see N. I then asked bug if he was going to behave and not run about and he said yes.

When I dropped him off at childminders I was talking to her about yesterday. She said to ignore the looks because he's only three and he'll get it, he just needs to learn the process. She also said she'll remind him that he needs to come to me when I pick him up. 

We'll find out in about three hours if knowing the routine is going to help. 

I think once he realises that he gets to come back to nursery and I'm not taking him away permanently from something he enjoys it will be easier.

I'm sure this sounds trivial but it can be stressful having a screaming three year old. Not just the screaming but the worrying over why he's getting himself so worked up. 

One of those parents

So this afternoon I went to pick up bug from nursery. It was his second day. It was also his first day of being with childminder in the morning followed by nursery in the afternoon.

This is how it went down...

I walked into the nursery to see bug happily playing a musical game with the other children. When he was asked to go to mummy he shouted no and ran around. I had called for him and one of the nursery staff explained to him that when mummy arrived it was time to go. Bug then ran over to me. Then he didn't want to take my hand so he was very vocal about that. We walked into the coat room to change out of his soft shoes. Unfortunately the coat room is at the door so he kept trying to escape. I took him away from the door to change his shoes but he ran off into the play area. I explained to him it was home time, I needed to change his shoes and then we could walk to the car. He then sat down to let me change his shoes. I had to hang his bag back up in the coat room but he ran out the door with it. This meant I had to chase him and take him back in. One of the staff was also trying to give me more forms to fill in for his teeth (he already has a dentist who he's been registered with since he was 4 months old). Bug was still pulling at my arm to get outside but I was trying to hang his bag up. Another mum was in front of his peg so I asked if I could just squeeze in to hang up his bag (before bug exploded) but she ignored me. Luckily a member of staff took the bag from me. A quick shout from bug saying bye and we were out. 

We had reached the outside, it was over, right?

Wrong.

Bug then decided he didn't want to walk to the car, it was too far, he wanted to go to nursery. Screaming. Falling to his knees. Fighting with me over holding hands. More screaming. 

On the walk to the car another child was looking at bug but her grandmother told her to mind her own business. I did appreciate that because it meant bug wouldn't play up even more for an audience. 

We reached the car and he then didn't want to sit in his car seat. Have you ever tried to fasten in a child who doesn't want to sit in their car seat?! 

Once bug remembered "bunny" was in the car he cuddled him and calmed down (side from some random screams until we got to the end of the street).

So yes, today I was that parent. That mother. The crappy one with the wild child. 

I felt awful between not being able to calm bug down and horrible looks from other mums. 

I just cried on the drive home. Bug can't see my face when I'm driving. 

When we were home I've sat him down and explained what is going to happen tomorrow. He's going to go to see his childminder in the morning, she'll take him to nursery after lunch and when mummy appears at nursery he's to come over, hold mummy's hand and let mummy change his shoes without running around or trying to go outside.

I wonder how well (or not) tomorrow's pick up will go.

some thoughts

My little bug can't wait to go to nursery tomorrow. He keeps talking about it. He can't wait to tell the childminder about nursery. He couldn't wait to tell my sister all about it today.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should write about the tantrums because a lot of what I read in other blogs is highly positive. I find that silencing so perhaps other mother do to. I hope so anyway, I'd hate to think it was just me.

So, to hell with silencing, Bug had two meltdowns today. The first was sort of a disruption to what was happening. My sister was up with N and L. Not long before she left they were drawing pictures. Bug had the pictures together on the floor but then, understandably, N wanted his picture. Boom. 

Bug's normal bath routine is bath, dried in bathroom, downstairs for cream (to help keep his eczema at bay) and then pyjamas on. Done. Well tonight, instead of drying him upstairs we came downstairs thinking I'd just dry him downstairs and then put towel in wash. It seemed so trivial but once the routine changed that was it. There was no going back and it escalated to a screaming meltdown. 

Once he was in his bed and calmed down he then came back downstairs where he just cuddled into me for 40 minutes. 

My sweet boy. I do find it frustrating but I just want to help him so can express now he feels without getting so distressed. 

He's is the most amazing talker. Some of what he comes out with is mind blowing. Seriously, which is why it's frustrating (I imagine for us both) when he can't seem to get out how he feels other than screaming and banging his head. 

I can definitely appreciate that it's much more frustrating for him. I can imagine feeling that agitated, stressed, cheeks flushing with annoying and maybe a lack of understanding why but not knowing what to do with it. What's happening is beyond what he can process. I just wish I knew what to do to help. 

One day at a time. Right? 

First day at nursery

My little bug started nursery yesterday afternoon. He was up from about 6:30am and was already asking to go to nursery. He was so, so excited. I think he did get himself so worked up with the excitement and was very frustrated with waiting until 1pm.

Finally the time came to leave. It's less than 15 minutes in the car. Bug is actually familiar with the nursery because his childminder drops off another child some of the days bug is with her. Good thing bug knew where he was going because I was about to go up to the wrong door when he shouted "no mummy, this way!" 

It's a secure entrance so someone came to let us in. Bug was shown where his peg was to hang his coat and shoes. His peg had a picture of a dolphin on it. As soon as bug had his soft shoes on he was happy to run into the play areas. At first he was holding my hand but when he seen the diggers in the sand he was off. I then had to fill in some forms and I have consent forms for a few things - sun cream, face paints, plasters, teeth brushing, photos... I'm ok with the nursery taking photos for use within the nursery but I won't be consenting to allowing photos in the local newspaper. 

Since it was his first day I was asked to return half an hour early. 

I felt a bit nervous when I left. I knew he'd be fine but I just worry. 

When I went back he happily sitting at the snack table with the other children. He was happy to see me though! 

Nursery staff said he was brilliant and so happy. They also said they were blown away by his talking and couldn't believe he was only 3 and a half (almost). They were saying how clear he is, how well he tells stories about what he's been up to. Amazing. 

So he's back to nursery on Monday. 

Monday will be a long time apart. About five and a half hours. 

My little boy amazes me so much. 

starting nursery tomorrow

How is it possible that my baby boy starts nursery tomorrow. Wasn't it only yesterday I seen that second line on the pregnancy test, seen that tiny dot at my second scan, felt those kicks, held my son for the first time? Where on Earth have the first 3 and (almost) a half years of my little boys life gone? (Or the last 4 years, 2 months (-1 day) since I found out I was growing my precious, little miracle?)

Nursery!?! 

I'm anxious and worried but bug is beyond excited and hasn't stopped talking about going since the open day back in June. I'm so happy that he is so confident and sure that he'll loves nursery. He is very sociable and will love meeting lots of new children. 

Bug is still having meltdowns on a daily basis. I'll write more about those at some point. I'm. To sure nursery will make a difference because I feel his tantrums are down to frustration rather than boredom since I do feel I have lots for him to do. 

First day! I'll update with how he gets on but I'm sure he'll do well. 

Orthopaedics appointment (bilateral CTS)

I had my appointment at the ortho clinic this afternoon. I was feeling with nervous. I'm not sure why. I think I was worried that they wouldn't take me seriously. Luckily my sister came with me for support and company. I ended up being in for over an hour so I'm not sure how impressed she was waiting all that time.

First doctor I seen asked if a student could sit in, yeah why not. He done some tests on my arms to check the severity and also the sensitivity in my hands. At the beginning he said there was a scoring system and if I'm borderline I'd need to see a neurologist to confirm the diagnosis. Turns out if you score a 6 you'd be offered surgery and I scored a 9 in both hands. 

I then got to see the orthopaedic surgeon who agreed on the surgery. 

I asked about the cortisone injections but was advised the carpal tunnel syndrome is too severe so surgery is really the only option at this point. The surgeon went through the risks and the risk of nerve damage is 1 in 200 but if I do nothing I will suffer permanent nerve damage anyway. 

I will have a local anaesthetic so will be awake for the operation. This means I won't need to stay in. I'll have my hand bandaged up and need to wear a high sling for 48 hours and then have my stitches out 10-12 days later. 

I'm having the surgery done on my right hand first. The surgeon did say sometimes surgery in one hand helps the other as well but they don't understand why. If not then once my right hand is healed I'll have surgery in my left hand. 

After I signed all the consent forms I then met with two other doctors. One of them introduced herself as a third year and asked if she could go over everything and complete my notes with her mentor there to supervise. Again, why not? They went over everything, want to expect, what's going to happen during and after surgery. 

Once all that was done I was booked in for surgery. My date for surgery is three weeks tomorrow. Three weeks. I sort of panicked when she said the date because it's so soon. I was expecting a few months. 

I'll just need to try and not over think it over the next three weeks. 

In other news I have a meeting at work tomorrow to discuss my absence from work. On that note, I asked today about my managers suggestion of stronger painkillers so I could keep working. They disagreed (obviously) and said that's not the answer and not an option. So I can let my manager know that tomorrow. I'm sort of glad I have a date for surgery since it confirms, in black and white, that it's serious enough that I need to have surgery on my hands. 

I think this is all but feeling a bit overwhelmed. I was expecting to be offered cortisone injections today. I knew surgery was an option but I didn't expect to be at the end of the road where it's my only option. 

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome & work

Where to start?

I left work early on Tuesday. I couldn't stay. My hands were so painful. Palms felt like they were burning, pains in both thumbs, fingers and shooting pains up my forearms. I only stayed as long as I did because they were suppose to be doing a DSE assessment but turns out my manager had the wrong day. She asked if I would go into work yesterday, on my day off, and I agreed. 

[I want to add that before I left I said will it be classes as the same absence and she said it should be but she'd need to check with HR. On Friday when she done my return to work I specifically asked if I tried to work and couldn't would it be grouped in with the one absence and she said it would be.]

Anyway, yesterday I went into work for 11am, hanging about for five minutes until person was ready to do assessment. He got me to sit at my desk and I would normally. Apparently as I'm tall with long arms I've been sitting too low on the seat so pushing my keyboard forward. He advised me to have my seat higher. He also suggested an ergonomic keyboard and to have a mouse on its side. He said it might not help but it's worth a try. 

After this my manager wanted to see how I was before I left but after she spoke to the person doing the assessment. My manager then said this will help but in a way that sounded like she'd be argumentative if it doesn't work. I also mentioned the cortisone injections that might be offered and she said she has something similar in her elbow and it does work. Now my physiotherapist said it doesn't always work so to be prepared that it might not help. The best bit was my manger telling me to get stronger painkillers from my doctor so I can work. Seriously. I already take ibuprofen and then codeine (8/500) but to be honest they don't help. Stronger painkillers make me drowsy, even 8/500 codeine can make me drowsy. Also, painkillers just mask the pain so I'd be doing damage with the pain to slow me down. Clearly work just don't care. It's ok my manager saying to work on but they're my hands and it's me who'll have to live with permanent damage if I ignore the pain. Carpal tunnel is compression and damage to the median nerve, in my case it's bilateral so I'm risking permanent damage in both hands. It's not like I have the cold or I'm hungover. 

The report from occupational health did say my job role puts me at greater risk of carpal tunnel syndrome. 

I'm so stressed about this meeting tomorrow. I don't know if I should sign off work until they have new equipment, then give it a try. I'm scared about losing my job but what if I work through pain, do irreparable damage and then can't work anyway. I know I need to put my health first but should it be this difficult?

Physiotherapy 3 (bilateral CTS)

Third appointment with physiotherapist was this afternoon. She was concerned there's not been any real improvement so mentioned orthopaedics. I have an appointment with the ortho clinic next Monday. She pulled up my records to see who I was seeing and it's actually her boss who is a hand specialist. Excellent! She tried to call him but he wasn't available but is going to let him know that I've been seeing her and what she's tried. She thinks from this ortho clinic I'll be offered steroid injections or surgery. 

I want to read more about it but she said a lot of the time people have the injections but they don't work and need surgery anyway. 

I'm trying to keep an open mind and just see what happens on Monday. 

Today she done more of the ultrasound therapy. I also had acupuncture in both hands this time. 

I was speaking to her about work and she doesn't agree with working through pain. Today I had a burning feeling when I was trying to use the keyboard. She said if it gets to the point it's unbearable then I shouldn't continue. 

I have so much more I want to type but even on the iPad I'm struggling. 

When are tantrums something to worry about?

A question I keep asking myself. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go into much detail at the moment but it's definitely on my mind a lot. 

Back to work

I went back to work on Friday. It's absolutely awful. It's painful, I can barely use a computer. Typing on the keyboard and using the mouse are agony. Even with the splints and wrist rest it's so painful. My manager said if I can't type then I need to make a decision. By that she means work through the pain or go off sick again. It's not that simple. On Thursday I received a letter advising me I'm being taken to a meeting on Friday (9th August) to discuss my absence. What concerns me is I'm going to be off at some point because it's looking more likely I'll need open release surgery. So what do I do? Carry on and hope I don't cause permanent nerve damage or go off and have the stress of being taken down the absence management route? 

In the report from their own occupational health it states I may be signed off until the issue is resolved, whether that's through physiotherapy or the open release surgery. It also states that my job role puts me a higher risk of developing carpal tunnel syndrome. 

I'm not sure what they can do. Especially if my job role has played a part in it. It's also not permanent. There is an end to it. If I do need surgery then once I've recovered I should be capable of doing my job without any issues. 

I'm really trying not to get too stressed over this. I know my health should come first but it's frustrating and difficult when your employer disagrees. 

Hello August // 5 months

August already. 

Today marks five months since I stopped AD's. Five whole months. It was round about the five month mark I started to relapse when I previously stopped them. I'm feeling slightly positive today. My hands/wrists/forearms are sore. My left wrist is splinted up. I'm back at work tomorrow but all I can do is try. Right? 

I still have wobbles. I still have that fragile feeling. I think I'm ok. 

Bug was up early again, 5 something am. I've been yawning away all morning. After breakfast he wanted his happy land toys so they're currently scattered over the living room floor. While playing bug picked up the toy phone box and pretended to call N, his cousin, it was very cute. The conversation was bug asking N how he was and if he was coming to visit. When bug finished the phone call he told me N wasn't ready yet. Awww. His imagination has been brilliant lately. When I collected his from the childminder on Monday he was telling me he was on an aeroplane, flying in the sky. Turns out the aeroplane was the sofa with loads of cushions. Wonderful! 

Bug starts nursery in a few weeks. I still don't feel completely comfortable but maybe it's my own fears and worries. Sometimes I feel he's ready, he is confident, excellent talker, sociable etc but then I worry about times when he has a meltdown because he's frustrated and maybe can't express himself. Do I just need to trust it will be fine? I know I can go for the first few sessions to see how he gets on. He did love the visit we had in June.