Gaelic medium education

Yesterday I had a meeting with the head teacher to discuss the Gaelic medium education (GME) that is offered. I already knew the vast majority of everything we talked about but it was reassuring to have a few things confirmed.

One of my questions was whether or not children struggle with it. In her experience it's children who would struggle at school even within the English medium. There is also extra support for children who are moved into the English medium.

It is complete immersion in Gaelic until primary 4 where they then have an hour and a half of English each week. There are two composite classes. The younger class is primary 1,2 and 3. The older class is primary 4,5,6 and 7. This year they had five children into primary 1 so it is becoming more popular.

I got to meet the teacher and see the younger class. I got to speak to a little girl who blew me away. Her first language is German, second English and now she is learning Gaelic. Amazing.

There are adult classes I can take and as Bug won't start school until 2015 I have 21 months to brush up on the basics. In he city they have a Saturday morning club which has activities for children and means I can speak to other parents. Even though Bug won't be going to the school in the city I can still go up.

If I want to go ahead I've just to give the head teacher a call. She's said she can contact the admissions board to request that Bug is moved into the Gaelic nursery.

Lots to think about.

Both roles

Last night my little boy said this to me:

"You're my mummy and you're my daddy too."

Hello November

Yesterday marked eight months since I stopped antidepressants! 

Halloween

My little man has been so excited about dressing up for Halloween. I'd asked a few times over the last few weeks what he wants to dress up as and he finally decided on a fireman. He is obsessed with fire engines so it was a good choice. I ordered his costume online and it arrived on Monday. On Monday night I didn't think I was going to be able to get it off him! I think he's going to be disappointed next week when he has to wear his regular clothes! 

I mentioned before that I was considering a Gaelic medium education. I phoned the school on Tuesday and I've made an appointment to see the head teacher on Monday. She sounded very friendly on the phone so I'm feeling positive about meeting her. 

My second decompression surgery has been postponed until the 26th November. It's only been pushed back two weeks but I'm absolutely dreading telling my manager. I'm planning on awaiting until I have the paper work before breaking the news to her. 

On that note, I went to see the occupational health doctor on Tuesday and it was the biggest waste of time. He can only make assumptions based on the surgery going well. Of course, I hope it does but I already have a post operative complication in my right hand so it's very frustrating.

I feel awful

I have the flu. I don't mean "it's really the cold flu" I mean actual flu. Everything hurts. Bug has been quite understanding but I'm secretly looking forward to his 2.5 hours at nursery this afternoon and also bedtime. 

I'd like to give a special thank you to the workman working on the pavement within view from the house. So far it's kept my wee guy quietly happy for a good twenty minutes! Bug has now taken his own toy tools to the door. 

not yummy

Me: we have new medicine for you.

Bug: it's yellow. 

Me: it's yummy. 

*bug has spoonful of medicine*

Bug: that wasn't yummy. 

Me: was it not?

Bug: no, not even a little bit yummy. 

Feeling better

Bug is recovering well and is starting to feel better. Last few days there's been a long of cuddling up on sofa. Lots of extra cuddles. He's not been eating much but he's drinking plenty. I'd been heating up his drinks so they weren't as harsh on his throat. I'm still checking on him loads. Still feel shaken up when I think about how unwell he was in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. Very scary. I'm so glad he's getting better quite quickly.

I phoned up on Wednesday morning to cancel his flu vaccine appointment. I didn't even really want the appointment in the first place. The nurse caught me off guard when she called and when I tried to explain my concerns, instead of reassuring me, she just said I could cancel if I wanted to. After having a read online I'm leaning towards not having the vaccine. I've only ever had the flu once myself and that was when I was pregnant - a time when I was immunocompromised. At that time I didn't feel the risks were worth the benefits. Even though I had the flu, I didn't regret my decision. I do have all the scheduled vaccinations for my son. I just don't feel this is necessary. 

I have more I want to write. Something is that I'm currently having a look into a Gaelic medium education. There's a lot of resources for parents online. It really deserves it's own entry but I think I'm going to make an apppointment to see the head teacher of the school to discuss it more. I've not decided yet. I'm really not sure but I do feel I'd like to explore the option more so I have all the information before I do make a decision. 

6 weeks post op

Yesterday marked 6 weeks since my decompression surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome. 

I'm still experiencing sharp, deep pains in my wrist and thumb. I'm half way to 12 weeks where this pillar pain will hopefully resolve itself. My second surgery is 3 weeks and 6 days away. This time in 4 weeks hopefully all will have gone well and I'll be at home chilling with a massive bandage on. In reality I'll be in absolute agony but it will be done. 

I'm in a lot of pain now. Every day. Carpal tunnel syndrome in my left hand and recovering from surgery and pillar pain in my right hand. I can't wait for the day when I'm going to bed at night and realise that my hands have been pain free all day. In some ways I'm tolerating chronic pain but in other ways I could so easily be pulled down by it all.

My heart might burst...

"I love you lots. I love you forever. I love you're my mummy." 

Croup

My three year old son struggling to breath and gasping for breath with a temperature of 39.2°C was beyond terrifying. 

I phoned NHS24 and then headed up to A&E for my son to see an out of hours doctor. Doctor diagnosed croup. Apparently it’s normally quite mild but can sometimes be more severe and cause breathing difficulty. Doctor prescribed some steroids which help reduce the inflammation/swelling of the windpipe. First lot of steroids have made a difference and he’s to have a second lot at 5:30pm. 

I have a very brave boy. He didn’t complain at all while the doctor checked his temperature, checked his heart rate, checked his ears and throat and listened to his heart. He even took the steroid solution with only a little encouragement. 

Bug is currently having a nap. I’m beyond tired so I can’t sleep and constantly checking on him. It happened quickly without any waiting. Phoned at 3:20am and we had been to hospital and home again by just after 5am. 

I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight either.

From the mouth of bug

Bug: mummy is your hand still sore?

Me: yes, I need to go back in hospital next month for a second operation. 

Bug: aww don't be scared mummy, you need to be a brave boy. I'll come with you and keep you company. 

My lovely boy. 

Nursery rhyme sing song

On Thursday bug had his nursery rhyme sing song. At home he has been singing a lot and knew most of the words to all the songs. I think he was thrown by the amount of people there because he was barely singing. Still lovely to go and see him.

When I dropped him off one of the nursery teachers asked me if it was ok if people wanted to take photos and video. Apparently I was the only parent who didn't give permission for my child's photo to be taken for use outside the nursery. Is it weird that I was the only parent who didn't give permission or is it weird that no-one else is concerned about other people having pictures of their child(ren)? Anyway, for this event I gave permission because my main concern was that I didn't want my sons picture in the paper. 

Bug absolutely adores his nursery but while I was there on Thursday, and could see all the children together, it was obvious there is a divide in the nursery. It was obvious who the older children were (the class is 3 and 4 year olds) and I wasn't happy with their behaviour. Obnoxious. Shouting out. Interrupting. Generally disrupting the class. I'm not under any illusions, I know my son isn't perfect but I wasn't impressed.

GP appointment

I had a GP appointment today. He said that I'm not able to work at the moment. He also said that the CTS appeared worse in my left hand because there is more muscle wastage. Interesting because the orthopaedic surgeon said the tests indicated it was worse in my left hand but because I was experiencing more pain in my right hand he agreed to do surgery on my right hand first. So this muscle wastage means that the GP agreed a recovery time of at least 6 weeks post op. 

GP was also concerned about my mental health. He was worried the stress from work and the pain I'm in could trigger a relapse in depression (something I'm aware of). If I return to work too early then it will result in even more time off to stabilise my moods. 

My manager called this afternoon to say I've been referred to see an orthopaedic doctor. I'll need to confirm the details with her tomorrow because, due to child care, I can only go up to to see this doctor on a Monday or Tuesday morning. It's a complete joke considering I'm booked in for surgery in just over a month. 

I also want to note that my manager has given occupational health the incorrect address so TWO occupational health reports have been sent out to the wrong address. My personal details and sensitive information regarding my health has been sent to a complete stranger. I'll be getting a copy of this tomorrow to find out what exactly has been sent out. Surely this is a breach of privacy?! 

I'm so annoyed and I'll definitely be taking this all further once I'm back at work. 

Parents meeting

Bug and I had the parents meeting type thing at nursery yesterday. 

While I was getting ready to leave I had a moment where it felt very surreal that I was getting ready to go to a parents meeting for my child. My child. The child I thought I'd never have. It just hit me from nowhere. 

The nursery teacher I spoke to said she has been with bug from the beginning but someone else will be taking over. She said they've all been happy with him, he's never had any problems and has had no issues settling in. She also said his vocabulary is brilliant. They all love now happy he is and adore his laugh. Bug has a laugh that makes everyone want to laugh too. I'm so glad he is doing so well. 

He has a nursery sing a long tomorrow and parents are allowed to come and watch so I'm going to go and see my lovely boy. He is growing up so fast. 

General catch up

Last week when we were driving home from nursery bug said the leaves are changing colour. Well and truly Autumn now and winter is on the way. We had some very heavy rain last Thursday which reminded me that I needed to get bug new wellies. I was even more reminded when I picked him up from nursery, they'd had waterproof clothes on the children and they'd been out jumping in puddles. I'm not entirely sure how bugs sleeves managed to get wet right enough. Fortunately I always have a change of clothes for him. 

On Saturday we went up to get him wellies. Bug has wide feet (G width) so I'm limited in where we can shop. Seriously limited. Clarks... Anyway they had some in his size. The same style he had last year which lasted well so I was happy and bug was happy. Typical that it's not rained since!

Today bug brought home more paintings. I love seeing what he does at nursery. I love seeing his art. I do wonder what goes on in his head when he's painting. 

Oh, on the drive to his childminders this morning we had to stop because two fire engines came out the fire station. Bug was shouting "it's an emergency" from the back of the car. I love that. Complete and utter joy and amazement at seeing fire engines. 

Tomorrow I have a parents meeting at the nursery. It's just an informal meeting to have a chat about how he's doing. I've made it for 3pm so it's right after nursery. 

Occupational health

This afternoon, occupational health phoned me...

I think the conversation went ok, better than last time anyway. 

The person I spoke to was just wanting an update on my ortho appointment last week. I told her I've been booked in for a second operation on the 12th November. I explained I was still in pain from the last op. She asked if I would be back at work before my second op as I've quoted recovery time as 6-12 weeks. I said it becomes complicated because if I return to work and then go off again for surgery then that's a second absence and triggers the disciplinary process. (I have so much I want to write about this but I need to keep it short)

She said my expected return to work might not be until January 2014 and she is going to recommend I see an independent doctor. She did say it won't be a orthopaedic doctor so I'm not sure what's the point. I'm not overly fussed because I have nothing to hide. I'd welcome any suggestions because being completely honest, the thought of not working until January is very daunting. I'm not enjoying being off. Not only and I in a lot of pain, every single day, but I'm worried about my job and the implications of being out of it for so long. Flip side is that if I go back too soon then what damage could I do? These are my hands. Think about how often you use your hands every day. 

The pain ultimately affects my mental health because I'm frustrated, upset and generally had enough of it. When I need to change my sons shoes at nursery I find it a struggle because I need to apply pressure to my hands. I'm worried that this will trigger a relapse in depression. It's something I'm very aware of because I feel reaching seven months without antidepressants is a fantastic achievement and I want/need it to continue. 

Hello October

I will try to write more later but I just wanted to acknowledge a few things. 

1. Today marks SEVEN months since I stopped taking ADs. How amazing is that? When I compare seven months to the first time I stopped by this time I was well and truly in the realms of severe depression. 

2. My right hand is now four weeks post decompression surgery. I'm still in a lot of pain. I have pillar pain which is a complication of the surgery. It's a deep pain in my wrist and also in my thumb. It's very painful and takes my breath away. Fortunately this is temporary and should resolve on it's own within the next two months. 

3. Surgery for my left hand is six weeks today. Left hand is still painful with carpal tunnel syndrome. All the symptoms are still there. They're being aggravated because I'm using my left hand more while my right hand recovers. Numbness, tingling, pain, burning, shooting pains up my forearm. They're all still there. There's also a good chance I'll get the same complication as above. I'm just hoping the three months of absolute agony are worth it in the long run. 

Work not giving a....

I was (officially) diagnosed with bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome in June. 

Work have been anything but supportive, 

Comments from my manager include: 

Can you take stronger painkillers to mask the pain? 

There is nothing wrong with your mouth so why can't you come in?

You can do your job with one hand. (I use a pc with a lot of typing) 

Lots of people come into work with one hand. 

You're putting pressure on your colleagues. 

Are you going to string this out over Christmas? Some people would be just looking for more time off. 

Technology

Bug has been learning about technology at nursery. On Tuesday he was given a disposable camera to take home and he was to take two pictures of his family. This was so they has a chance to use the camera but it also gives the nursery an opportunity to have a discussion about different families. I thought this was a lovely idea. 

Bug is good with technology. He can use my old iPhone and tablet to play various games (vast majority are education based) and has done confidently for a while now. All in moderation but I feel like it's a necessity to be comfortable with it when you think about how much some of us rely on technology every day. 

On Wednesday when I picked him up from nursery he was talking about Halloween. I've to get pumpkins for him and he would like to dress up as a fireman. My boy is obsessed with fire engines. I remember carving pumpkins for his first ever Halloween. Speaking of Halloween, I was visiting a friend last night and she's having a little party so has invited us over. 

I have loads more to write, including that we went up to the capital to be part of the rally for independence. I need to leave soon to go into work. It's only a catch up with my manager. I'm actually more stressed out about work than I am about the fact I'm having surgery in less than 7 weeks. Seriously. 

My clever boy

Bug was the only child at nursery today to get a sticker for being able to recite a nursery rhyme to his class. 

Very proud mummy. 

Orthopaedic appointment

This afternoon I had my follow up with orthopaedics. 

I will update more about it later but I'm booked in to have decompression surgery (left hand) on the 12th November. 7 weeks tomorrow. 

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I know what to expect this time!

Mummy, I'm a sick wee lamb

I suspect bug is getting the cold. I have the start of a cold myself and last night bug was up a few times and was really warm this morning. Once we were up and had breakfast (and some calpol for bug) his temperature was fine and he seemed back to his usual self. Since he hadn't been sick and felt fine I still took him to nursery this afternoon.

This evening he didn't eat much of his dinner and kept saying he was a sick wee lamb. Lots of cuddles and an early night. I've not long checked on him and his temperature is fine and he's happily sleeping. I hope he feels better in the morning, he looked so sad this evening. 

Yesterday at nursery when I picked him up he wasn't wearing the same top I dropped him off in. I asked what happened and one of the nursery staff said he was playing with the water and sand and got wet. I wonder if some parents give her a hard time because she kept saying how much fun he had and now much he was laughing. I'm not one to bother about wet or dirty clothes so it was fine. What I did find weird was that instead of using the change of clothes I pack for him they put him in the most horrible top ever. Of course, bug loved the top and wasn't too happy when I took it off him. So today bug got his top soaked again (and I got another explanation about how happy he was) but this time he was wearing his own extra top I packed. Bug declared that he told his nursery teacher that he had his own clothes. Well done little man! I asked bug in the car why he was wet for the second day in a row and he said the apron was a bit rubbish. 

Sometimes I worry that bug doesn't get as much attention because he is confident, excellent talker etc. 

Up until today the routine when I drop him off has been change into indoor shoes and hang up jacket and bag, go to the table to take his name and then put his name into the blue basket. Today this routine had changed to just taking him to the door (once in his indoor shoes) and letting him do the rest himself. I think bug was a bit surprised at first because his little hand was still out for mine and he was looking at me. The nursery teacher helped him choose his name but he was still looking at me. I wasn't sure what was best to do so I walked around to the window to wave and mouth "bye, love you" to bug. He was happy with this and ran into one of the play areas. 

When I picked him up he ran to me and took my hand. Lately he's been pulling up my sleeve to check what hand is my good hand before taking it. The majority of the time he remembers which one but he does like to check. 

He is so wonderful and amazing and I love him more than words. 

My big nursery boy

I'm seriously in denial at times that my little boy is 3.5 years old. It has been a truly wonderful 3.5 years. Difficult at times but I wouldn't change a thing. Sleepy cuddles from my sweet boy are amazing. It's a true blessing to have grown this little miracle and watching him grow into a wonderful little boy. I'm so, so blessed to be his mother and I'm forever in debt to the universe for having my son in my life. 

In the last two weeks since my hand surgery he has been so thoughtful and patient. I've been getting extra cuddles and kisses. My hand has been getting little kisses too. Bug has also been telling everyone "mummy has a sore handy." Bug reminds me to be careful. My sweet boy. 

Bug has been delighted with getting back into the routine of seeing his childminder and going to nursery. He absolutely loves nursery. Even though I had my worries he is so happy and doing brilliant. It's awesome when I pick bug up and he tells me about his class on the walk to the car. I love getting paintings home with him. Bug is very friendly and confident so has naturally made lots of friends. It's lovely hearing about them. I'm so proud of him. Even with going to the childminders from quite young (13 months old) he has been excellent at adapting and welcoming new people into his life. He helped make that transition of going back to work all that more smooth. We did have some wobbles with nursery but from the second week all has been well. 

The nursery staff tell me his speech is amazing. Some of the things he comes out with blow me away. They are also impressed with how he starts conversations. He knows all his colours and shapes. A few weeks ago he knew what a hexagon was. I'm a very proud mummy. 

Bug has always loved drawing and painting. Recently he's started trying to write and it's really picking up. At this point he's not actually writing but he's getting very close. It must have been a few months he started drawing lots of lines which I was told was the beginning of writing. Sure enough the lines have gotten smaller and closer together over the last few weeks. Today, he has drawn what looked like pretend writing. Rows of what looked like illegible writing. At the top he had drawn what looked like the first two letters of his name. The attempt at his name was sort of a diagonal line, so different to the rows. Very exciting. 

So my title of this post from bug reminding me often that he's a big nursery boy. Sometimes he's a big, strong, nursery boy. This morning he was telling me that he's growing tall like mummy. Yes you are sweetheart, too quickly, right before my eyes. 

Suture removal day

10 days post op. 

This is the last in my series of daily pics. I will post one on Tuesday to show recovery weekly. Once I'm able to be seriously online I'm going to move all my carpal tunnel entries onto their own blog. If I don't then I'll need to rename this carpal tunnel tantrums! 

Anyway, today was suture removal day.

How much better does the incision look? That picture was less than 10 minutes after them being removed. I came home, washed my hands and thought it looked amazing. It also felt incredible to be able to properly wash my right hand. 

So suture removal wasn't too bad. I didn't like the sensation of the stitches being pulled out through my skin. I'm shuddering at the thought. One of the stitches also caught on removal so that was lovely. 

Around the incision still feels very swollen (and looks it). My skin around the incision still feels very tight but I imagine that will improve now stitches are out. I still have limited grip. Using the door handle example, I still can't open doors. I also cannot write which I found out today when seeing my manager. I really have loads to say about work but it will need to wait. 

Bug has been so wonderful while I'm recovering. He tells everyone I was in hospital and have a sore handy. I'm getting lots of cuddles. I love him so much. My sweet boy. 

9 days post op [carpal tunnel]

This will be my last stitches picture. 

Tomorrow is suture removal day. I don't even care if it's going to hurt, I just want them out. 

Still painful. Skin is very tight and swollen around the incision and the incision itself is still raised. I'm still getting a deep pain on either side of the incision. It's still painful to use any pressure. For example, I can hold a door handle but I can't turn or open it. I still have very limited use of my right hand. 

8 days post op [carpal tunnel]

No real difference. The incision is still swollen and raised. 

sore leg

Since I've not yet been cleared to drive I decided to get the bus into town and then walk up to the childminders. Bug has been asking for her all week and was so excited about seeing her and going to nursery. I text the childminder on Monday night to let her know we'd be a bit later than usual yesterday. 

Bug loves the bus. Loves. He loves waiting on it, he loves sitting up on the high seats at the back, he loves being able to see lots from the windows, he loves seeing all the other people getting on and off the bus and he absolutely loves pressing the red button when it's our stop and time to get off. 

Bug done so well with the walk to his childminder. It's all uphill and up so many stairs. Every now and again he would stop to tell me that's he's walked up all the stairs with more to go. I did get stuck with his fireman Sam bag... 

After I dropped him off at the childminders and caught up a bit with her I just headed back into the town. I'm still limited in what I can do at the moment so I opted for buying a bottle of water and getting the bus home. 

[Why are buses so expensive? Where is the incentive to use public transport?!]

I was only home for a few hours when it was time to leave again. Luckily, my sister said she'd meet me and walk up to nursery with me. So we done that. 

On the walk back into the town bug had a fall but seemed ok and kept walking. 

Fast forward to last night and by bedtime he was upset and was sort of limping. My poor boy so he had a bit of an early night. 

This morning he wasn't as bad but still sore. I was going to phone doctors but them decided just to try resting today since he is ok sitting and generally not putting weight on his (right) leg. I filled a bath for him and he was happily playing for about half an hour. He does had a little bruise right on the joint of his knee so I'm thinking that's what is making it sore. 

I've phoned his nursery to let them know he won't be in today. I explained why and they were fine with it. 

Lots of cuddles and lazing on the sofa today. 

One week post op [carpal tunnel]

My patient wee bug

I feel like such a shitty mummy. Even though it's temporary it's frustrating not having full use of my right hand. My wee bug has been on the patient side. Today he had a wobble at bedtime. I know he'll be finding it hard and different that I'm not playing with him as much. I'm not sitting down on the floor with him building Lego towers or pulling out his playmobil. 

Bug now reminds me that I have a sore hand, that I was in hospital and had an operation. He takes everything in. 

Today I did take him into the town. It was quick but he loves the bus so it meant two bus journeys for him. On the way home he fell asleep and just cuddled into me. It was lovely just having him snuggled in and just cuddling him. That's one perk that the bus has. There are no sleepy cuddles in the car. 

6 days post op [carpal tunnel]

5 days post op [carpal tunnel]

My right hand is now at five days post open release/decompression surgery. It's still painful. I still don't have any grip in my hand. I can move my fingers ok but I still feel a lot of pain in my incision and my thumb.

The dressing is a nightmare. It keeps coming up around the edges and eventually into the cushioned, non sticky part so I have no choice but to change it. I only changed it yesterday morning but I had to change it again this evening. Roll on Friday when I get these stitches out. Once the stitches are out I no longer have to wear any dressing over the incision. 

Since I was changing the dressing I took another picture. 

The carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms are worse in my left hand. I know this is because I'm using my left hand more. I have absolutely no carpal tunnel symptoms in my right hand. 

It's very frustrating trying to do trivial things with just my left hand. Being a mother for example. Also, brushing my teeth, washing my face, getting dressed, eating and everything else. I also miss driving.

4 days post op [carpal tunnel]

While getting washed this morning I must have got the dressing wet. It was starting to come up at the base of my hand so I decided to change it. Wishing I hadn't seen the incision now. It didn't look as good as when I seen it at 2 days post op...

New dressing on. 

This morning I received my letter to see my orthopaedic consultant on the 23rd September. I knew I had an appointment that day, the nurse told me, but now it's all officially booked in which saves me from phoning appointments at the hospital. 

3 days post op [carpal tunnel]

I'm still in so much pain. I'm still taking paracetamol and codeine (30/500) and ibuprofen (400mg). Absolute agony. Yesterday I was able to take the outer bandage and sling off. I also got to change the dressing. Since my wound/stitches was exposed I snapped a picture, as you can see in my last post.

Today there's bruising up my arm and in the palm of my hand. I tried to take a picture but you can't really see the bruising so much. 

I'm impressed at how good it looks at just three days post op. When I looked up the surgery online some of the pictures were scary. Lots of bruising and gaping wounds. As I said, impressed. 

I phoned to make an appointment with my GP for two weeks time. I decided to make it with my own GP rather than the one I was seeing. So, I'm seeing her on the 17th. I also made an appointment to see the nurse to have my stitches taken out on Friday 13th. 

I'm also due an appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon on the 23rd. Lots of appointments. 

The carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms in my right hand have pretty much vanished. I'm still having symptoms in my left hand and it's making me realise how bad the carpal tunnel was now that my right hand doesn't have it. 

2 days (or 44 hours) post op [carpal tunnel]

ouch

The local anaesthetic started to wear off about 4.30pm yesterday so I took some painkillers once I felt that tingling feeling in my fingers. It seriously started wearing off around 8pm and oh wow was it painful. I've been in agony every since, despite taking strong painkillers. As well as pain, when the local s wearing off, I could feel a very strange bubbling sensation in the palm of my hand. I also keep forgetting and keep moving my hand. My right hand is my dominant hand so it's just out of habit. 

My friend, S, came to pick me up from the hospital. I couldn't thank her enough. She's also said if I need anything just to let her know. How lovely is that? We're going to do lunch again once I get my stitches out. 

So I woke up about 20 minutes ago in pain so thought I'd do a little bit of left handed updating. There is loads I want to write but for now I'm going try getting back to sleep. (It's 3.08am!)

Open release/decompression surgery // carpal tunnel syndrome

I'm not sure if I should be concerned the surgeon had to draw an arrow pointing to the incision site.

Surgery today for carpal tunnel release

Today is the day of my open release/ decompression surgery. I have been awake since 5am because I'm feeling very nauseated at the thought of it.

Last night I went out with S so that I wasn't sitting stressing over tomorrow (today). Our regular coffee place closes early last night so we just went a drive to Costa. It was nice just sitting by the window chilling for a while, watching the motorway traffic zoom passed us. 

S also picked up a furby for L. They were £40 down from £60 so when you're buying two that's quite a saving! 

Yesterday, because it was my last day driving for a while, I went out during the day to pick up some last minute things. I got lentils and veggies to make a big batch of lentil soup. I made the lentil soup yesterday afternoon and it's awesome. I also went up to Next to get bug some more bits and pieces. Ended up getting him a new pair of jeans that are all lined inside, two more long sleeved tops and a thicker hooded zipper. I love the clothes in Next. I also got myself a loose t-shirt for after surgery. I needed something easy to wear. 

For today, as well as the loose t-shirt, I'm going to wear my jeans going to hospital but I'm packing sporty trackies too wear on the way home. They are just plain ones with no buttons or fastenings so better to be prepared since doing my jeans up might be an issue with one hand bandaged up. I also have to pack a dressing gown. I'll need to remember my book so I'm not bored waiting on surgery once I'm admitted. 

I'm just finishing off a cup of tea. I was allowed tea before 7am! Then it's nothing but water until 11am. Then I can no longer drink water. 

I need to check the times of buses to the hospital. What's frustrating is that the bus from home to the hospital direct either gets me there 53 minutes early or 7 minutes late. Since I can't be late and don't fancy being that early I'll need to get two buses. Getting the bus should be an experience in itself. I can count on one hand how many times I've gotten the bus since I learned to drive over 6 years ago! 

I'll update on the other side, when I'll hopefully have unilateral carpal tunnel as opposed to bilateral carpal tunnel! 

The day before

My surgery is tomorrow and anxiety has kicked in. I'm feeling sick about it. My hands, particularly my right hand, have been very painful. I just hope all goes well. 

6 months

It's the first of September. 

It's now been six months since I stopped taking antidepressants. 

doing lunch

Yesterday, I met up with a friend from work. We hadn't properly spoken in months because I've been off and then for the week I was back in August she was on annual leave. We went somewhere local for lunch because we get 25% off (one benefit of where we work!) and it was brilliant getting to catch up. We had a good bitch about work. I was telling her about my hearing and what our boss was saying. She was updating me on all the changes. One of our other friends was wanting to come for lunch but she was working and we couldn't make it later because then the friend I was meeting needed to pick up her little boy from school. After lunch we just went for a wander into the town. It was a nice afternoon. 

I think the grip in my hands is getting worse. I keep dropping things. Frustrating because last night I dropped a cup of tea and I done it again this morning. Three days now until surgery. Even though it only my right hand that's being operated on at first at least once it's healed I shoud have my dominant hand back! (If all goes well on Tuesday!) 

When I was dropping bug off at nursery on Thursday we were early (actually we were on time, it was the nursery staff taking their time) so we had to wait outside. After a few minutes bug turned around and said "oh mummy, I love you" awww. Even the other parents there were saying aww. Bug is so happy at nursery, he runs in to get his name and puts it into the blue basket without prompting. On Wednesday they were playing a game and learning about traffic lights. Every time I stop at lights bug reminds me that "red means stop, orange means slow down and green means GO!" I'm so happy he's enjoying nursery. He's also now leaving nursery absolutely fine but I'm still running him through what's going to happen when I drop him off. 

Last day of August today. This year is flying by. 

Stana Katic Friday

Today will be known as the day when Stana Katic tweeted me!!

4 days

Four days until the open release/decompression surgery.

Feeling nauseated.

occ health

Last night I went to see "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" with S. I had absolutely no idea what it was about but I enjoyed it. I'm regretting not reading the book first. Luckily, there are five books in the series so I'll need to get them onto my kindle. Good thing about the kindle is I'll still be able to read after my surgery since I won't need to hold it like a book. 

On Tuesday my manager text to let me know that the dreaded occupational health will be contacting me on Wednesday (yesterday). I have absolutely no idea why. I spoke to them in July and despite telling her it was painful to hold a phone she kept me on the phone for over twenty minutes, just being very repetitive. It shouldn't have taken that long for her to take a note of me saying what my GP advised and to let me know what work can do with regards to breaks, ergonomic keyboard. Anyway, so they were to call for an update which is pointless considering I have my surgery booked for next week and there is nothing occ health can do unless they can wave a magic wand and take the pressure off my median nerve. I missed the call. They didn't leave a message and the number was withheld so I can't call back. 

Five days. My surgery is in five days. I feel sick about it. I know it's a very common procedure but there's still the risks. I'm also worried about how much damage has been done to my nerve since it was deemed too severe for cortisone injections. Five days isn't long at all. 

routine

Today was bugs 7th afternoon at nursery. I've mentioned before that he is definitely benefiting from knowing exactly what's going on. Today I'd opened the door and stepped out to hold it open for him and right away he shouted that he needed to hold my hand. 

His meltdowns seem to be triggered by change and frustration. Sometimes frustration when something has changed. I'd written before about the meltdown triggered by drying him downstairs after his bath instead of upstairs. There's also times bug will ask me a question and if I don't give him the answer he is expecting he'll get frustrated and start to scream no. If I drive a different way to the childminders I'll need to explain why or else he will start to get upset. Some things are strange, or at least, they are to me, I'm sure they're very normal and important to bug. When we're talking about something he'll get upset if I try to talk about something else. 

Routine seems to help. It's strange because even as a baby I never enforced any routine. I was very much baby led although I felt this was natural since breastfeeding is very much baby led. I suppose he needs his own routine for now. I'm sure whatever routine he needs will change with him. 

My hand surgery is a week today and I'm worried how recovery is going to affect bug. There are going to be a few days that he won't be at the childminders or nursery. I'm worried he'll be upset at not going and then upset when he starts going again and it takes a while to get back into that routine. Upset is not really the right word. He is always delighted to see his childminder and I know he's enjoying nursery. I mean that he might not understand that I need to take him home and not understanding that he gets to go back. 

When I say meltdown, I don't just mean a tantrum. What I mean is that he completely loses it. It's like he is that frustrated or overwhelmed and just isn't processing what's going on. There is absolutely no talking to him. All I can do is stay close to him until he calms back down. Once he calms back down he is back to being the wonderful, amazing, little boy that he is. 

I'm considering speaking to my GP but I'm not sure. I'm sure it's just his age, he'll grow out of it, it's just his age... but what if it's not that simple? 

catch up

Bug has been brilliant the last two pick ups at nursery. On Thursday and today he has happily come running to me when I arrive to take him home. Very pleased and hope it continues. I think explaining to him what's going to happen has helped a lot. I also think that him understanding he gets to go back to nursery is also helping. Then, of course, he's getting used to dropping his afternoon nap. Although yesterday he did have a nap on his bedroom floor.

Yesterday my baby nephew turned two years old. Where have the last two years gone? It really doesn't feel like that much time has passed. 

On Saturday I went to the city with my sister (who I might give the pseudo name Gwen ;)) and it ws a lovely day. I picked her up at 9am, stopped off for some much needed coffee (cinnamon latte to go) and then headed to the train station. This train station meant only a 15 minute train ride into the city, free parking and no city driving stress. 

We headed to the art store where we both got some bits and pieces. Then we went a wander before going for lunch. More wandering. I got L clothes for his birthday. We also found this little market place where we got some hand made soap. Lush. Then back to the train station. Lovely day. 

On Friday I went down to visit my friend L. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks. We went to the cinema to see "The Heat" which I'd seen before but was funny. After the cinema I went back to hers for some tea and a catch up before heading home. 

So that's what I've been up to. 

Surgery is eight days away but I'll write more on that later. 

pink lemonade cooler

I'm mentally exhausted. I want to write but I just can't.

Here's a pink lemonade cooler instead. 

13 days until carpal tunnel surgery

My decompression surgery is less than two weeks away. 13 days. I'm starting to feel worried about it. I know the procedure itself is pretty straightforward. I'm just worried about any complications. I know they're rare but this is my dominant hand. I'm worried about th nerve damage. I'm worried about this pillar pain around the incision I was told about. I'm worried about having stitches removed. I've never had stitches that weren't dissolvable. (Quite glad of that since my last lot of stitches were to stitch up my pelvic floor.) 

Anyway, from what I've heard the procedure should take about 20 minutes. I'm allowed a light breakfast but nothing to eat after 7am. I can drink 300ml at 11am and then nothing else. I've to be up at the hospital to be admitted to the ward at 12pm. There will be a few hours waiting so I'm planning on bringing a book. I was going to bring my kindle but I thought I'd rather misplace a £3 book instead of a £69 kindle! If anyone's interested the book I'm taking is "Revenge Wears Prada." I'm desperate to read it now but I know if I'm in for a lengthy wait I'll be bored and will be glad of a distraction from the "OMG I'm having surgery" thoughts. 

I'll be awake for the surgery. Awake. It'll be done with a local anaesthetic rather than a general. So, yeah, awake. Apparently I won't feel any pain. I'll be able to feel them doing something but it won't be painful. I'm going to be so paranoid that I can feel it. I asked about it and I'll be lying down with a screen up so I can't see what's going on. 

After I'm all stitched up I imagine will be on the ward for an hour or so and then I can go home. 

I'll need wear my right hand in a high sling for a few days, then just the massive bandage, then stitches out within 2 weeks....

I was seeing the GP today. I have an informal meeting with my manager on Friday so I needed my sick line extended. The GP wrote one for four weeks. 

I've just to make another appointment to see him then, I don't particularly like this GP so I'm actually thinking would it be cheeky to make one with my normal GP? I don't know. 

Anyway, if all goes well, in 13 days I'll only be suffering the symptoms of unilateral carpal tunnel syndrome. 

burst blood vessels

I'm really feeling at a loss just now.

After screaming this afternoon my little boy has some burst blood vessels around his eyes. 

He let me take the photo once he'd calmed down.

I really don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. 

Is it just the adjustment to nursery that's overwhelming? Nursery also means he's now missing his afternoon nap. I'm sure tiredness is making things so much worse. 

Plan of action

So I've explained numerous times to bug what is going to happen at nursery this afternoon. When I asked him what was going to happen he said he'll take my hand, have his shoes changed, walk to the car and see N. I checked with aunty S and she is ok with a visit to see N. I then asked bug if he was going to behave and not run about and he said yes.

When I dropped him off at childminders I was talking to her about yesterday. She said to ignore the looks because he's only three and he'll get it, he just needs to learn the process. She also said she'll remind him that he needs to come to me when I pick him up. 

We'll find out in about three hours if knowing the routine is going to help. 

I think once he realises that he gets to come back to nursery and I'm not taking him away permanently from something he enjoys it will be easier.

I'm sure this sounds trivial but it can be stressful having a screaming three year old. Not just the screaming but the worrying over why he's getting himself so worked up. 

One of those parents

So this afternoon I went to pick up bug from nursery. It was his second day. It was also his first day of being with childminder in the morning followed by nursery in the afternoon.

This is how it went down...

I walked into the nursery to see bug happily playing a musical game with the other children. When he was asked to go to mummy he shouted no and ran around. I had called for him and one of the nursery staff explained to him that when mummy arrived it was time to go. Bug then ran over to me. Then he didn't want to take my hand so he was very vocal about that. We walked into the coat room to change out of his soft shoes. Unfortunately the coat room is at the door so he kept trying to escape. I took him away from the door to change his shoes but he ran off into the play area. I explained to him it was home time, I needed to change his shoes and then we could walk to the car. He then sat down to let me change his shoes. I had to hang his bag back up in the coat room but he ran out the door with it. This meant I had to chase him and take him back in. One of the staff was also trying to give me more forms to fill in for his teeth (he already has a dentist who he's been registered with since he was 4 months old). Bug was still pulling at my arm to get outside but I was trying to hang his bag up. Another mum was in front of his peg so I asked if I could just squeeze in to hang up his bag (before bug exploded) but she ignored me. Luckily a member of staff took the bag from me. A quick shout from bug saying bye and we were out. 

We had reached the outside, it was over, right?

Wrong.

Bug then decided he didn't want to walk to the car, it was too far, he wanted to go to nursery. Screaming. Falling to his knees. Fighting with me over holding hands. More screaming. 

On the walk to the car another child was looking at bug but her grandmother told her to mind her own business. I did appreciate that because it meant bug wouldn't play up even more for an audience. 

We reached the car and he then didn't want to sit in his car seat. Have you ever tried to fasten in a child who doesn't want to sit in their car seat?! 

Once bug remembered "bunny" was in the car he cuddled him and calmed down (side from some random screams until we got to the end of the street).

So yes, today I was that parent. That mother. The crappy one with the wild child. 

I felt awful between not being able to calm bug down and horrible looks from other mums. 

I just cried on the drive home. Bug can't see my face when I'm driving. 

When we were home I've sat him down and explained what is going to happen tomorrow. He's going to go to see his childminder in the morning, she'll take him to nursery after lunch and when mummy appears at nursery he's to come over, hold mummy's hand and let mummy change his shoes without running around or trying to go outside.

I wonder how well (or not) tomorrow's pick up will go.

some thoughts

My little bug can't wait to go to nursery tomorrow. He keeps talking about it. He can't wait to tell the childminder about nursery. He couldn't wait to tell my sister all about it today.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should write about the tantrums because a lot of what I read in other blogs is highly positive. I find that silencing so perhaps other mother do to. I hope so anyway, I'd hate to think it was just me.

So, to hell with silencing, Bug had two meltdowns today. The first was sort of a disruption to what was happening. My sister was up with N and L. Not long before she left they were drawing pictures. Bug had the pictures together on the floor but then, understandably, N wanted his picture. Boom. 

Bug's normal bath routine is bath, dried in bathroom, downstairs for cream (to help keep his eczema at bay) and then pyjamas on. Done. Well tonight, instead of drying him upstairs we came downstairs thinking I'd just dry him downstairs and then put towel in wash. It seemed so trivial but once the routine changed that was it. There was no going back and it escalated to a screaming meltdown. 

Once he was in his bed and calmed down he then came back downstairs where he just cuddled into me for 40 minutes. 

My sweet boy. I do find it frustrating but I just want to help him so can express now he feels without getting so distressed. 

He's is the most amazing talker. Some of what he comes out with is mind blowing. Seriously, which is why it's frustrating (I imagine for us both) when he can't seem to get out how he feels other than screaming and banging his head. 

I can definitely appreciate that it's much more frustrating for him. I can imagine feeling that agitated, stressed, cheeks flushing with annoying and maybe a lack of understanding why but not knowing what to do with it. What's happening is beyond what he can process. I just wish I knew what to do to help. 

One day at a time. Right? 

First day at nursery

My little bug started nursery yesterday afternoon. He was up from about 6:30am and was already asking to go to nursery. He was so, so excited. I think he did get himself so worked up with the excitement and was very frustrated with waiting until 1pm.

Finally the time came to leave. It's less than 15 minutes in the car. Bug is actually familiar with the nursery because his childminder drops off another child some of the days bug is with her. Good thing bug knew where he was going because I was about to go up to the wrong door when he shouted "no mummy, this way!" 

It's a secure entrance so someone came to let us in. Bug was shown where his peg was to hang his coat and shoes. His peg had a picture of a dolphin on it. As soon as bug had his soft shoes on he was happy to run into the play areas. At first he was holding my hand but when he seen the diggers in the sand he was off. I then had to fill in some forms and I have consent forms for a few things - sun cream, face paints, plasters, teeth brushing, photos... I'm ok with the nursery taking photos for use within the nursery but I won't be consenting to allowing photos in the local newspaper. 

Since it was his first day I was asked to return half an hour early. 

I felt a bit nervous when I left. I knew he'd be fine but I just worry. 

When I went back he happily sitting at the snack table with the other children. He was happy to see me though! 

Nursery staff said he was brilliant and so happy. They also said they were blown away by his talking and couldn't believe he was only 3 and a half (almost). They were saying how clear he is, how well he tells stories about what he's been up to. Amazing. 

So he's back to nursery on Monday. 

Monday will be a long time apart. About five and a half hours. 

My little boy amazes me so much. 

starting nursery tomorrow

How is it possible that my baby boy starts nursery tomorrow. Wasn't it only yesterday I seen that second line on the pregnancy test, seen that tiny dot at my second scan, felt those kicks, held my son for the first time? Where on Earth have the first 3 and (almost) a half years of my little boys life gone? (Or the last 4 years, 2 months (-1 day) since I found out I was growing my precious, little miracle?)

Nursery!?! 

I'm anxious and worried but bug is beyond excited and hasn't stopped talking about going since the open day back in June. I'm so happy that he is so confident and sure that he'll loves nursery. He is very sociable and will love meeting lots of new children. 

Bug is still having meltdowns on a daily basis. I'll write more about those at some point. I'm. To sure nursery will make a difference because I feel his tantrums are down to frustration rather than boredom since I do feel I have lots for him to do. 

First day! I'll update with how he gets on but I'm sure he'll do well. 

Orthopaedics appointment (bilateral CTS)

I had my appointment at the ortho clinic this afternoon. I was feeling with nervous. I'm not sure why. I think I was worried that they wouldn't take me seriously. Luckily my sister came with me for support and company. I ended up being in for over an hour so I'm not sure how impressed she was waiting all that time.

First doctor I seen asked if a student could sit in, yeah why not. He done some tests on my arms to check the severity and also the sensitivity in my hands. At the beginning he said there was a scoring system and if I'm borderline I'd need to see a neurologist to confirm the diagnosis. Turns out if you score a 6 you'd be offered surgery and I scored a 9 in both hands. 

I then got to see the orthopaedic surgeon who agreed on the surgery. 

I asked about the cortisone injections but was advised the carpal tunnel syndrome is too severe so surgery is really the only option at this point. The surgeon went through the risks and the risk of nerve damage is 1 in 200 but if I do nothing I will suffer permanent nerve damage anyway. 

I will have a local anaesthetic so will be awake for the operation. This means I won't need to stay in. I'll have my hand bandaged up and need to wear a high sling for 48 hours and then have my stitches out 10-12 days later. 

I'm having the surgery done on my right hand first. The surgeon did say sometimes surgery in one hand helps the other as well but they don't understand why. If not then once my right hand is healed I'll have surgery in my left hand. 

After I signed all the consent forms I then met with two other doctors. One of them introduced herself as a third year and asked if she could go over everything and complete my notes with her mentor there to supervise. Again, why not? They went over everything, want to expect, what's going to happen during and after surgery. 

Once all that was done I was booked in for surgery. My date for surgery is three weeks tomorrow. Three weeks. I sort of panicked when she said the date because it's so soon. I was expecting a few months. 

I'll just need to try and not over think it over the next three weeks. 

In other news I have a meeting at work tomorrow to discuss my absence from work. On that note, I asked today about my managers suggestion of stronger painkillers so I could keep working. They disagreed (obviously) and said that's not the answer and not an option. So I can let my manager know that tomorrow. I'm sort of glad I have a date for surgery since it confirms, in black and white, that it's serious enough that I need to have surgery on my hands. 

I think this is all but feeling a bit overwhelmed. I was expecting to be offered cortisone injections today. I knew surgery was an option but I didn't expect to be at the end of the road where it's my only option. 

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome & work

Where to start?

I left work early on Tuesday. I couldn't stay. My hands were so painful. Palms felt like they were burning, pains in both thumbs, fingers and shooting pains up my forearms. I only stayed as long as I did because they were suppose to be doing a DSE assessment but turns out my manager had the wrong day. She asked if I would go into work yesterday, on my day off, and I agreed. 

[I want to add that before I left I said will it be classes as the same absence and she said it should be but she'd need to check with HR. On Friday when she done my return to work I specifically asked if I tried to work and couldn't would it be grouped in with the one absence and she said it would be.]

Anyway, yesterday I went into work for 11am, hanging about for five minutes until person was ready to do assessment. He got me to sit at my desk and I would normally. Apparently as I'm tall with long arms I've been sitting too low on the seat so pushing my keyboard forward. He advised me to have my seat higher. He also suggested an ergonomic keyboard and to have a mouse on its side. He said it might not help but it's worth a try. 

After this my manager wanted to see how I was before I left but after she spoke to the person doing the assessment. My manager then said this will help but in a way that sounded like she'd be argumentative if it doesn't work. I also mentioned the cortisone injections that might be offered and she said she has something similar in her elbow and it does work. Now my physiotherapist said it doesn't always work so to be prepared that it might not help. The best bit was my manger telling me to get stronger painkillers from my doctor so I can work. Seriously. I already take ibuprofen and then codeine (8/500) but to be honest they don't help. Stronger painkillers make me drowsy, even 8/500 codeine can make me drowsy. Also, painkillers just mask the pain so I'd be doing damage with the pain to slow me down. Clearly work just don't care. It's ok my manager saying to work on but they're my hands and it's me who'll have to live with permanent damage if I ignore the pain. Carpal tunnel is compression and damage to the median nerve, in my case it's bilateral so I'm risking permanent damage in both hands. It's not like I have the cold or I'm hungover. 

The report from occupational health did say my job role puts me at greater risk of carpal tunnel syndrome. 

I'm so stressed about this meeting tomorrow. I don't know if I should sign off work until they have new equipment, then give it a try. I'm scared about losing my job but what if I work through pain, do irreparable damage and then can't work anyway. I know I need to put my health first but should it be this difficult?

Physiotherapy 3 (bilateral CTS)

Third appointment with physiotherapist was this afternoon. She was concerned there's not been any real improvement so mentioned orthopaedics. I have an appointment with the ortho clinic next Monday. She pulled up my records to see who I was seeing and it's actually her boss who is a hand specialist. Excellent! She tried to call him but he wasn't available but is going to let him know that I've been seeing her and what she's tried. She thinks from this ortho clinic I'll be offered steroid injections or surgery. 

I want to read more about it but she said a lot of the time people have the injections but they don't work and need surgery anyway. 

I'm trying to keep an open mind and just see what happens on Monday. 

Today she done more of the ultrasound therapy. I also had acupuncture in both hands this time. 

I was speaking to her about work and she doesn't agree with working through pain. Today I had a burning feeling when I was trying to use the keyboard. She said if it gets to the point it's unbearable then I shouldn't continue. 

I have so much more I want to type but even on the iPad I'm struggling. 

When are tantrums something to worry about?

A question I keep asking myself. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go into much detail at the moment but it's definitely on my mind a lot. 

Back to work

I went back to work on Friday. It's absolutely awful. It's painful, I can barely use a computer. Typing on the keyboard and using the mouse are agony. Even with the splints and wrist rest it's so painful. My manager said if I can't type then I need to make a decision. By that she means work through the pain or go off sick again. It's not that simple. On Thursday I received a letter advising me I'm being taken to a meeting on Friday (9th August) to discuss my absence. What concerns me is I'm going to be off at some point because it's looking more likely I'll need open release surgery. So what do I do? Carry on and hope I don't cause permanent nerve damage or go off and have the stress of being taken down the absence management route? 

In the report from their own occupational health it states I may be signed off until the issue is resolved, whether that's through physiotherapy or the open release surgery. It also states that my job role puts me a higher risk of developing carpal tunnel syndrome. 

I'm not sure what they can do. Especially if my job role has played a part in it. It's also not permanent. There is an end to it. If I do need surgery then once I've recovered I should be capable of doing my job without any issues. 

I'm really trying not to get too stressed over this. I know my health should come first but it's frustrating and difficult when your employer disagrees. 

Hello August // 5 months

August already. 

Today marks five months since I stopped AD's. Five whole months. It was round about the five month mark I started to relapse when I previously stopped them. I'm feeling slightly positive today. My hands/wrists/forearms are sore. My left wrist is splinted up. I'm back at work tomorrow but all I can do is try. Right? 

I still have wobbles. I still have that fragile feeling. I think I'm ok. 

Bug was up early again, 5 something am. I've been yawning away all morning. After breakfast he wanted his happy land toys so they're currently scattered over the living room floor. While playing bug picked up the toy phone box and pretended to call N, his cousin, it was very cute. The conversation was bug asking N how he was and if he was coming to visit. When bug finished the phone call he told me N wasn't ready yet. Awww. His imagination has been brilliant lately. When I collected his from the childminder on Monday he was telling me he was on an aeroplane, flying in the sky. Turns out the aeroplane was the sofa with loads of cushions. Wonderful! 

Bug starts nursery in a few weeks. I still don't feel completely comfortable but maybe it's my own fears and worries. Sometimes I feel he's ready, he is confident, excellent talker, sociable etc but then I worry about times when he has a meltdown because he's frustrated and maybe can't express himself. Do I just need to trust it will be fine? I know I can go for the first few sessions to see how he gets on. He did love the visit we had in June. 

worries

I think the only relief I get now as when I use the ice pack. 

I woke up this morning in so much pain before I even got out of bed. I'm currently typing (very slowly and on the iPad) with a splint on my right hand and the ice pack wrapped around my left wrist. 

It's draining, both physically and emotionally. It's painful to help bug get dressed, make him breakfast, brush his teeth, tie his shoes, fasten him into his seat belt... This morning his toy dinosaur ran out of battery so he asked me to change it. Simple enough right? Well, no actually because I had to tightly hold it and then twist a screwdriver until the battery compartment opened. Annoyingly, I thought it took AA batteries but its AAA and I don't have enough. Things like that are trivial but aggravate the pains in my hands, wrists and forearms. 

I'm due back at work on Friday. How is that going to happen? My job role will do nothing but aggravate it. I'm worried about going back but I'm worried if I don't go back. I don't know what to do. I know I'm going to find it difficult and after waking up in pain this morning (before I'd even used my hands at all) I'm even more worried about the level of pain I'll be in come Friday afternoon. 

I'm also very aware of the fact that tomorrow it's been five months since I stopped AD's and I really can't let this push into another relapse. To be fair the depression I had before wasn't circumstantial, since it started as postpartum depression, but I'm still very aware of it. Maybe the concern is just from knowing that I'll always be more fragile now. 

Typing this has taken forever. I'm so glad the iPad corrects spelling mistakes since limited movement means lots of wrong letters. Ice pack now warm and pain coming back in left wrist so time to stop.

Physiotherapy 2 (bilateral CTS)

I keep meaning to write an update about the bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome but haven't been able to face a lengthy update.

On Friday I had my second appointment with the physiotherapist (F). I said there wasn't any change since the week before. Still numbness/tingling, shooting pains up my arms and into my hands, pulsing feeling at my wrist which is agony. She used the ultrasound again. It feels really strange because even with the cold gel it feels hot. After that she asked how I felt about acupuncture. I'd never had it before but being in this much pain I'd try it. She said we'll only try the right side so she put a needle into my wrist, one into the muscle at the base of my thumb and another on the opposite side. It was a bit nippy having them inserted but once they were in I couldn't really feel them. She left them in for about 5/10 minutes. Afterwards it was sore but the following morning my right hand wasn't as agonising as the left so maybe it done something or maybe it was in my head because I just want something to help. 

I've received a letter to go to the ortho clinic on 12th August. I asked F about it while I was there and she suggested still going but explaining I'd like to pursue physiotherapy before surgery. F said the appointment will most likely be to establish whether or not I'm a good candidate for surgery, she thinks I will be because the symptoms are text book. 

My next appointment with physiotherapist is 5th August. 

I'm due back to work on the 2nd August and I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to cope. I'm sore driving the distance to work never mind using a computer, write, file, generally do my job. 

Bee sting

My little boy was stung by a bee today. It would be more accurate to say he stepped on a bee today. The grass in the garden is full of the little flowers the bees like so there are usually one or two around. 

The stinger wasn't left in but then sole of his foot has swollen and he can't walk on it. Other than that he is absolutely fine. 

I've never been stung myself so I did have a panic incase he wasn't ok. As usual I was more bothered than he was! 

Immunisations

Bug had his immunisations yesterday. I was so proud that he wasn't bothered at all. I had him sitting on my knee, cuddling him and kissing his head. Bug was happy watching what the nurse was doing. No tears. No cries. Nothing. Wow. I'd been dreading them. Afterwards he declared that he was a brave boy. Yes. Yes he was 

The nurse said that she felt me explaining to him beforehand what was going to happen made all the difference. 

After that I took my brave boy to the garden centre (his choice) with nanny. He loves it there. Loves the plants, loves the flowers, loves the fish and other animals. Lovely afternoon. 

On the way home I said we'd stop off for ice cream but he fell asleep in the car. Nanny went into the cafe and just bought a big tub of ice cream so bug could have one at home. This went down very well with my brave little boy. 

Thunder & lightning

After a few weeks in a heat wave things turned stormy this morning. 

Bug loved it. He was amazed with the flashes of lightning. When it was thundering he said it was his tummy rumbling and then decided he needed an early lunch! 

After lunch he decided the thunder was in the sky and not in his tummy. 

Physiotherapy (bilateral CTS)

Today I had my first appointment with the physiotherapist. She was brilliant and while I'm still in agony I'm mentally feeling so much better. She couldn't believe the doctor had referred me to an orthopaedic surgeon having advised me there's nothing else that could be done. That doctor didn't even want me to see a physiotherapist, I had to refer myself.

When I first went in I had to sign some consent forms and then go through where the pain and numbness is. She said it was a textbook case of carpal tunnel syndrome. She checked my neck as some disc problems can trigger CTS symptoms but was all clear. She then done three tests on each hand/wrist my right scored 2/3 and my left 3/3 positives for CTS. The physiotherapist also noticed the muscle wastage on my thumbs. She seems quite confident she can help and it won't come to surgery.

Today she massaged around where the median nerve is in my wrist (ouch) and then used ultrasound on my wrists/hands. The ultrasound is supposed help with healing. 

I've to do the massage myself and I've to wear the support splints at night, when driving and for at least three hours a day. 

I'm back to see her again next Friday. 

Physiotherapy tomorrow

The physiotherapist called this afternoon to say she had a cancellation tomorrow and asked if I'd like the appointment. So happy I finally have an appointment after 5 weeks. I really hope she can help. 

To nursery or not

Bug is due to start nursery in the middle of August. We went to the open day/afternoon and he really enjoyed it. A few times since he's asked about going back, everyone keeps saying how much he'll love it but I'm really in two minds about it. It's 2.5 hours Monday - Thursday.

Being a March baby means Bug will be one of the oldest in his year up until he finishes high school (the cut off dates here are 1st March - 28th February), he's very confident, out going, adventurous etc. 

Perhaps it's my own "issues" and it's. to fair to put it onto him but I'm worried about anything happening, you hear so many stories about questionable staff. I know staff are checked but what does that mean if it still happens? Then there are other worries about what if staff have favourites and Bug gets ignored, left out etc. I know these things can happen at school age but by then he'd be older. Bug talks a lot. Seriously non stop chat but he also has irrational melt downs every day which to me suggests that while he is good with words he's still learning to express himself emotionally - whether he's upset, angry or just frustrated. 

I just don't know. 

I think it's maybe worth a factoring in that he is an only child so the only other close interaction with children is when he see's N or L or when he is at childminders for his 8 hours a week. 

 

The heat continues

I've made an appointment for bugs next lot of immunisations 4 in 1 (diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis (whooping cough) and polio) and an MMR booster. The appointment is the week after next. I'm already dreading it. His last lot were way back in March 2011. 

It's been so hot. Yesterday it was 27°C! There has been lots of playing in the garden. I've just been lathering bug in factor 50 so no burning at all! Lots of sand and water and general running around. It's taking him a while to settle at night but I'm putting that down to the heat since I'm struggling with it myself.

Hot

It's hot. Actually, that's a understatement, at 26°C it's scorching! 

In this ridiculous heat I have the cold. That's right. The cold. Last night I think I seen every hour. As well as being too hot to sleep comfortably, my head, throat, ears and nose felt all stuffy. Here's hoping it's out my system quickly. 

Bug was at the childminder this morning and he won't be back for two weeks (childminder will be on holiday). While he was there I filled his paddling pool. Initially I was just running back and forth with jugs of water but then my neighbour let me use the hose. Bug was delighted when he got home to see the pool. He moves his slide over to it so he can slide into the water. Hours of playing in the garden. Days like this are wonderful. Bug loves being outside. Lots of laughing and throwing water about. 

Our neighbours, F and N, have so much time for him. F sometimes asks to take him a walk to the bottle bank. Yesterday Bug was playing with just a basin of water but said to N he needs to take his glasses off so they don't get ruined - meaning bug was going to try soak him with the water. Last wee I made rice crispy cakes with bug and he insisted on giving one to them. 

I've still not heard from physiotherapy and that's 4 weeks tomorrow. I was at the doctors yesterday and have been referred to see an orthopaedic surgeon. No idea how long that will take. Doctor signed me off for another two weeks so I can see physiotherapist first. The doctor said there wasn't anything further than he could do. I'm worried if I go back without knowing what I can do to support my wrists that I'd be risking further nerve damage. I always feel so guilty being off work but is it worth permanent nerve damage? 

From the mouth of bug...

"I don't like sudocream, it's dangerous!" This was in answer to me wanting to put sudocream on his arm. He had a very dry patch of eczema but had scratched at it until it bled and proceeded to pick the scab. I thought something with an antiseptic was better than just his usual soothing creams. In the end I went for propolis.

"Shhh, the spiders are coming." I have no idea where this came from but it's truly terrifying. 

Country park

On Sunday (30/06) I took bug to a country park. My mum came with us. It's 10 minutes in the car. It was an absolutely brilliant day and we'll definitely be back. There were loads of different walks through the woods with plenty of play areas just off the walks. The majority of the play areas were wood too which bug adored. Then things like swings and slides. Lots of slides. Wet slides. Bug was soaking. After lots of walking and playing we went back to the car so I could change bug into dry clothes. I had packed us a lunch and bug wanted to have a picnic in the bus! The bus was a wooden tram which has chairs and tables downstairs, there were little stairs upstairs which had a winding slide back down. 

We went on the red walk. Some look more adventurous than others. I'm just glad I had wellies to wear too. It was raining on and off but walking through the woods sheltered the worst of it. By the time we were having lunch it had stopped. 

There was a little shop where I got my bug a wooden bug yoyo... 

We were there for 2 and a quarter hours. 

When we were heading home my mum suggested stopping off for ice cream. According to bug it's the best ice cream in the whole world. A good end to a good day.