the right decision?

I've put a question mark in my entry title but I'm not sure if it belongs there. 

Returning to work after four months is hard but it has to be the right decision. I'm not going to truly feel or be better until I'm back to normality. I think the longer I was off the more daunting returning was. In all honestly I feel so anxious about work. I feel really on edge when I'm driving there. At the end of my shift when I reach my car I just want to cry. I'm not sure if they're tears of relief or tears from stuggling. It's overwhelming. 

I don't even feel like I can be honest when I'm asked how I feel. My manager was/is supportive but I need to sustain this return and I don't want to give her any reason to doubt that I can do it.

Sometimes I feel almost detached from reality. That might be too harsh. I'm not sure how to explain it but sometimes I feel like I'm seeing my life but not really, really involved. All this time has passed and it feels like no time at all. There are things I want to do, things I want to achieve and I have the means to put them into motion but I'm not confident enough to believe that they'll really happen. Sometimes I feel stuck but I know I'm the only person who can fix that. 

Tuesday is my last scheduled appointment with the counsellor and in all honesty I'm scared how I'll feel when it's finished. The plan is to take a break and then start seeing her again. I know I struggle to make appointments like that. It took me months to see my doctor. I feel more aware that it's something I struggle with so maybe this time will be different, I have to make it different. 

return to work

It's my birthday today! It's also the day I went back to work after being signed off for four months. I was really nervous and it was just awful. I wanted to cry when I got to my car. I think I was just really overwhelmed and the pressure of you have to sustain your return to work or you'll be taken to a disciplinary didn't help. I was signed off because of a relapse with (postpartum) depression. While I was off I was on three different antidepressants, seeing my GP countless times and I've also been having counselling. I just felt like work were implying it's something trivial. That was my first sickness absence since 2008.

I'm back in tomorrow and I'm hoping it goes better than today. 

< two days

It's less than two daysuntil I go back to work and I'm feeling so anxious about it. I would prefer to shake the anxiety so I can just get on with it. I'm hoping I'll feel better about it once I have the first day out the way. Here's hoping. 

My sleeping is terrible. I'm up throughout the night for hours and absolutely shattered in the morning. Last night I tried to stay up later to see if it helped, I did still wake up but not as much. Of course, staying up past 12am means I'm still feeling tired now.

I'll get there. I hope will.

my pregnancy

I found out I was pregnant on the 15th June 2009. I wasn't feeling that great. The week before I had been really tired, going to bed at 7pm and sleeping late. My mum actually thought I was coming down with something. I had strange pains in my lower abdomen. They were very different to my usual period pains but I just ignored them. It was one day before work I'd went into the shop for lunch and the pains/cramps were stronger and felt really weird. It was then, for some reason, I decided to take a pregnancy test to get it out of my system. Pregnancy tests are horrific to buy, I felt like all eyes were on me and then at the till someone else had to come over because they weren't scanning properly and were security protected. 

I was planning on taking it in the evening when I was home. I couldn't wait. I was sitting at my desk at work and I could feel it burning a whole in my bag. I decided just to go the toilet and do it. I was honestly expecting it to be all in my head. I went to the toilet, pee'd on the stick and watched the colour run across the screen. I should have waited longer but after the colour had filled both windows I was convinced it was negative so went back to my desk. A few minutes later I went into my bag to get my phone and I seen the test, I had a quick look at it and thought I could see a second line. In panic I went back to the toilet to inspect it further. It was faint but it was definitely a second line. I took out the second test (it was a pack of two) pee'd on that stick, waited longer and it had a faint line too. 

Here is the picture I took of my tests in 2009.. 

My first picture of my pregnancy! 

After this I say at my desk in disbelief until my break. On my break I phoned the doctors asking what to do, they wanted a urine sample so I had to go and pick up the sample pot. I also went into boots to buy a different brand of pregnancy test. I bought first response. 

Here are the first response pictures..

A bit more believable now. I had four positive pregnancy tests. 

The following morning I handed in my urine sample, it had to be first morning urine, and picked up a digital test. They were more expensive but I felt maybe I'd feel more convinced with the result since it would be a word and not a line. 

A picture of my digital test from 16th June 2009..

Wow. Pregnant! 

On Thursday 18th June the doctors confirmed I was pregnant. 

Of course I took more tests.

20th June..

23rd June..

The digital tests were amazing. I was so happy when I seen the 3+. That was the highest it would be on the digital test and I just felt positive from seeing it.

On Thursday 25th June 2009 I had my first ultrasound. I had been having pains on my right side so I phoned the maternity unit in tears, worried about an ectopic. The midwife I spoke to wanted me to go up to see her. She first tried an abdominal ultrasound but couldn't see anything so she then done a transvaginal scan. We could then see the gestational sac. It was small but it was in the right place. The plan of action was to take some blood to check my hCG levels, repeat the blood test in 48 hours and then 48 hours later again. Sounded good so I went home. The following morning, at work, I received a phone call from the maternity units. The doctor I spoke to said my hormone levels were above 2000 so they would have expected to have seen more on the ultrasound. She explained it looked like an ectopic pregnancy and wanted me to have a laparoscopy that day. I refused because it sounded like a big risk. I had a laparoscopy in 2008 and had a lot of vaginal bleeding afterwards. What if I had the laparoscopy and everything was fine? Would I miscarry anyway? My refusal resulted in an admission to another hospital to be monitored. I had to go through A&E but the doctor in there was understanding and said she agreed she wouldn't want to a laparoscopy based on one hormone level. I would have my bloods taken again the next morning (Saturday 27th June) and they would compare the two blood samples. It was a long night and one of the worst. I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything apart from lie there and stare at nothing. Finally it was Saturday morning and the nurse came to take my blood. What felt like an eternity later the consultant came to see me. This was a different consultant to the one I spoke to on the phone the day before. He felt my stomach and said it felt soft and, as I wasn't in pain, he was sure it was nothing. He wanted to so an ultrasound to check. We went down the corridor and I had ultrasound number two. I remember squeezing the nurses hand. It was a transvaginal ultrasound and almost immediately I could see the gestational sac and fetal pole on the screen. The first thing I asked was if it was in the right place. It was! Everything was fine so I was allowed to go home and a follow up ultrasound was booked for the following Friday (3rd July 2009).

In between I took another test.

1st July.. 

In that picture you can see the test line is stronger than the control line. That was the last test I took.

On the 3rd July 2009 I got to see my tiny baby's heart beating away on the screen at ultrasound number 3. It was amazing and a beautiful site. I was scared before the scan after having a rough week.

My dating scan was on the 14th August 2009. I remember feeling terrified before it. I was almost in tears lying on the bed before the midwife had even started the scan. I was so scared something was going to be wrong. It wasn't. My baby, who also looked like a baby now, was absolutely perfect. Dancing away in my uterus with his hands above his head. 

On the 6th October 2009 I found out I was having a son! This felt really special and I'm so glad I got to share this moment with my mum (nanny to my little boy). Seeing him moving around and his little hand waving. Absolutely beautiful.

I had a fright in mid-December 2009. I was 30 weeks pregnant when I felt a gush of fluid. As I was pre-term I was admitted overnight to the maternity ward. Turns out it was a leak in my hind waters but thankfully it resealed. I was absolutely terrified. I had a scan in the morning to check my son and he was absolutely fine with plenty of fluid. His estimated weight at 30w1d was 3.3lbs (or 1.5kg).

I had my last scan on the 12th January 2010. It was to check my low lying placenta had moved. It had! My son's estimated weight at 33w6d was 4lbs 11oz! 

My due date in February 2010 came and went. 

My midwife attempted a sweep in early March 2010 but she said my cervix was still very posterior so she couldn't properly hook around it. The midwife must have done something because I went into labour the following morning and less than 7 hours after my waters broke/first contraction my son was born weighing in at 8lbs 11oz. 

The brightest star in my life. 

♥♥♥

more work anxiety

I return to work in four, very short, days. I'm feeling very anxious now to the point that I think I feel unwell. Of course this is in my head and I'm hoping the fact I realise that is a good sign. 

For some unknown reason I had two different times written down for my next (last) counselling appointment. I phoned the centre this morning to confirm the time, it's the earlier 10:40am. I think that's what confused me, my appointments are normally 11:30am. So that's a week tomorrow. In a way it feels like everything is coming together. I'm returning to work, taking a break from counselling and I've now settled on an antidepressant that actually works. Why do I feel so overwhelmed with everything when surely these are positive things? I just want to cry when the, for the first time in months, I do feel like I might be OK. Sometimes I feel like I make little sense. I'm still doing well with not using the word should. My counsellor said thinking about the shoulds isn't helpful. I need to see myself how I am rather than how I think I should be. She said I think in black and white so I need to take a step back. To be completely honest I feel like I'll miss counselling for this short break. I'm sure I've said that before. 

Last night I was tidying up and sorting through some old boxes and what did I find? The train ticket from my first date with my ex (aka fw/F***W**). I felt a little sad. I think it was mostly because it reminded me of how much he once meant to me for me to keep it. He means nothing to me now. He'll always be the person who made me choose between him and my baby. My baby will always come first and that applied before I'd even met him. I threw the train ticket away. I did feel a bit weird for the rest of the evening but I think I've shaken it off now. 

My little bug is finally having a nap. As it's already just after 3:30pm I'm hoping he's up soon. I did want to try and put him down earlier but he seen the new toy helicopter I bought for him and it was all over then. Any tiredness instantly vanished and was replaced with much excitement for the new toy. Helicopters are the absolute favourite at the moment.

He absolutely loves his new shoes. This morning he called them his Triceratops shoes. What a big word for a little boy! What do I say to that? Dinosaurs are another love, complete with growling. 

I'm going to go and enjoy a hot cup of tea which is a rare occurrence with a toddler.

new shoes

New shoes today for my little bug. This is the third pair of shoes this year. Currently a size 6.5G. Last time his feet were measured they were a 6H. The smaller G fitting meant we had so many options whereas when he was measuring an H I was lucky if we even had a choice. The little shoes are so cute and he looks like a right little boy wearing them. Bug loves his new shoes especially because they have dinosaurs on the side!

returning to work anxiety

I return to work in less than one week. I'm trying to think it will be good to go back, to get back into a working routine but I'm so, so anxious about it. It was a long absence while I tried to deal/cope with a relapse into (post partum) depression. Since the end of February I've been on three different antidepressants. In the end my own GP, who I seen in May, suggested I go back on the ones that I took for the initial post partum depression. I also found the strength to arrange counselling. This was a big step for me because I find it so hard to open up and talk. I'm so scared that I'll go back to work and not be able to cope. There's only one way I'm going to find out so I know I need to go back. I can't hide away forever. I'm also worried how my collegues will react to my return. I hope I'm just thinking too much and it won't be as bad as I'm imagining. 

I do have a plan for returning to work. I'm someone who likes to know what is happening. I don't like to go into things blind. I'll just take each day as it comes and try not get too worked up about the small things.  Maybe I should make up a mental plan to go with my phased return schedule. 

I'm going to miss my little boy a lot. Even though I was back at work for 11 months, after my 14.5 month maternity leave, I've really loved getting to spend all my time with him. I would love to be able to stay at home with him but, as a single mother, I don't have that luxury. I'll be fine and I'm sure my wonderful little boy will be fine with the arrangements too.

I really feel like I could just cry. I think I just feel overwhelmed. It was the same with maternity leave and once the first day was over it was a little bit better.

I have one last appointment with the counsellor before I take a break for a month or two. I feel a bit anxious about that being my last one for a while. I'm not sure I'm ready to stop counselling. I find that strange because I was reluctant to give it a try in the beginning. I really do feel the benefit from it. 

I'm getting there. 

single mother thoughts

Sometimes it really hits me how difficult I found pregnancy as a single mother to be. [Long story short is my ex broke up with me because I wanted to keep my baby.] Sometimes reading other blogs reminds me of how alone I was at a vulnerable time, at the most life changing thing I'll ever experience. Honestly, what is going to change my life more than becoming a mother for the first time? I did have support from my mother, sister and various midwives but it wasn't really the same as having someone who was supposed to be as excited as I was. 

All that being said, I did enjoy my pregnancy. I loved feeling my son growing and kicking inside me. It was beyond amazing. As well as a physically difficult pregnancy it was emotionally difficult as well. I was delighted to be having a baby. I loved him before he was even born, before I had even seen him on an ultrasound. I was scared about being a single mother. Some of the worries I still have - how will I manage? What about work and childcare? Will I be enough for my son? There are plenty more. I dreaded being asked about the father. It reduced me to tears at many midwife appointments. 

Even now I find it difficult to read about pregnant women who aren't happy their partner isn't excited, aren't happy their partner isn't talking more about the baby, their partners are stressing them out worrying about finances. I know these are all genuine fears and they are important to those women. It's just I sometimes compare that to my own experience and it reminds me that I didn't have close to that. Finances was a worry I carried alone. The only interest my ex showed in my pregnancy was trying to persuade me to terminate it.

I'm sure I'm just whining but something I read tonight just got to me. I know it wasn't intentional. I'm just rubbish at times. I think it can be similar to reading a water birth story. That was the dream I had that never happened. My birth experience is for another day though.

Breastfeeding

"How are you planning on feeding your baby?" Various midwives asked at antenatal appointments. It wasn't really a question to me, I always knew I would breastfeed. What I didn't know what that it might not be quite that easy.

I'm delighted to say that I breastfed my son until he self weaned just before 18 months. I didn't encourage weaning, in fact I still offered but he wasn't interested. For me self weaning was the ultimate goal, I just didn't expect it to happen that early but I feel satisfaction in knowing that I breastfed my son for as long as he wanted.

We had a rough start. I had a traumatic birth and didn't get skin to skin or attempt feeding until he was three hours old. (I had an emergency forceps delivery complete with episiotomy and a seperate third degree tear. I had to be stitched up in theatre with a spinal anaesthetic. Yes, a spinal anaesthetic after I'd given birth).

I asked for help and I kept telling midwives I didn't think he was feeding right and I was repeatedly told it was normal to think that. I was discharged before breastfeeding was established and it wasn't long before I was in agony with cracked and bleeding nipples. The hospital I gave birth in didn't forward my discharge papers to the community midwife unit (cmu) so no-one came out to see us the following day.

The second night home was awful. My son wouldn't stop crying and I was in tears because I was in agony and he was bringing up blood (my blood, from my nipples). I was crying with him at the thought of feeding him. I felt like an awful mother. I remember going into the kitchen, opening up the steriliser and putting a bottle in. In the time it took for the steriliser to sterilise the bottle I had slightly calmed down and phoned the midwife unit in tears and drove myself the half hour drive to cmu in the middle of the night.

The midwives there were fantastic and said my positioning was wrong. They showed me how to properly position him and they showed me how to feed lying down since it hurt to sit up. They mentioned he was quite jaundiced so kept me in until the morning. They assured me I was doing the right thing asking for help and couldn't believe I'd been discharged before breastfeeding was established.

The next day, a few hours after we were home, a midwife came out to weigh him. This was day four and he had lost over 12% of his birth weight, so it was back to the main hospital we went, he was seriously dehydrated so we were readmitted. I was advised to give him fomula top ups because of the dehydration, I really didn't want to do this but he was unwell and I felt like I didn't have a choice. My milk still hadn't come in so I was given domperidone.

We stayed in hospital for two more nights, until I was confident with breastfeeding. I was expressing after every feed to encourage my supply. My milk finally came in on day 6. Midwives said it was most likely down to the traumatic birth and I had lost a lot of blood (iron dropped from 11.5 to 7).

That evening we were finally discharged. I was happy to be going home but it was mixed with anxiety because when we were previously discharged that's when everything seemed to fall apart.

After our readmission I never used any formula but it wasn't an easy journey. My son was a slow weight gainer, dropping below the 0.2 centile line and my health visitor was pushing formula, even when my GP assured me he was healthy, she continued to weigh him loads and mention he should be gaining more. I didn't give up though. As a compromise I said I would express to top up his feeds but that made absolutely no difference to his weight gain so I stopped.

I did have mastitis on our breastfeeding journey but luckily just the once.

That night I was readmitted and crying to the midwife that I was a failure, that night I would never have believed that I would breastfeed for 18 months.

I think anyone who breastfeeds for any length of time is absolutely amazing. I was so naive when I was pregnant and had no idea that it wouldn't be easy (as least not for me). At my antenatal appointments the midwives mentioned the benefits but no-one ever told me it might hurt.

I'm so glad I didn't give up. I absolutely loved breastfeeding my son and I was sad when our breastfeeding journey came to an end.

appointment

Yesterday I ended up taking bug to my appointment. Unfortunately because I had to wake him up from his nap he wasn't in the best of moods. I timed it so we would get to the doctors surgery for bang on 3:30pm but, of course, they were running late. After about thirty seconds of sitting in the waiting room we were having a meltdown. I know it must be frustrating for him. Luckily my doctor only had one patient in front of me so it wasn't too long a wait.

Appointment went well and I'm going back to see her in four weeks. She wants to see how I'm coping when I return to work at the end of the month. I asked how long I'd be on the AD's and she said most likely six months but we can talk about how I'm doing at the end of the year. She did remind me not to stop taking them until she agrees it's ok. I wouldn't anyway. I've still to keep taking the antibiotics for rosacea. I think they're making me feel generally yucky but they are helping. This was my third appointment with my own GP but I did have three appointments with another GP previously (because my own GP was on annual leave when I managed to phone to make an appointment).

I'm getting there.

tears in the car

My poor little boy cried the whole drive home from L's. I'm pretty sure it was a tired/grumpy cry because he asked for bear and a nap as soon as we got home. Currently napping. It's hard when he's upset in the car, since I'm driving I'm very limited in what I can do. Poor little man. I do keep a selection of toys in the car for him but he just wasn't interested today.

I was at a rather busy cross road waiting to go when I was thinking that it's amazing my son doesn't distract me from driving. I'm not sure if that makes me horrible or now. I know ultimately it has to be a good thing, shows my attention is on the road but I worry about my son thinking I'm ignoring him. I do talk to him when we're in the car and try to calm him best I can. I guess it's just one of those things.

I have a doctors appointment at 3:30pm. I'm hoping little man is feeling better after his nap. Last time I was at the doctors they were running late and my boy just wasn't happy in the waiting room. He made sure everyone knew how frustrated he was by lying on the floor, kicking his legs and screaming as loud as he can. It must be hard when he doesn't understand why he's having to wait and why mummy can only manage to bring a few toys. S offered to watch him while I was at my appointment but that would mean a fifteen minute drive to take him there, fifteen minute drive back to the doctors, fifteen minute drive back to pick him up and then a fifteen minute drive back home. That's an hour of driving. Maybe it would be better for him to spend some time with S and his cousins rather than waiting with mummy at the doctors. I'll need to make a decision by 3pm so I'll see how he is then with regards to his nap.

I'm thinking after this appointment I won't have to see my GP as often. I'm sure with the initial PPD once I felt alright she was happy for me to plod on but made sure I was to contact her if I had any concerns or started feeling rubbish again.

Time for a hot drink while I can!

happy mummy

There is nothing better than being a mummy to my wonderful little boy. I love him so, so much. I could burst with how much love I have for him. He is absolutely amazing. It's been hard, on my own, but I wouldn't change him for the world. My wonderful, sweet baby boy.

I love how he says helicopter. I can't even type it. It's as though he spits the word out but it's too cute.

He's getting really good with his colours. Purple, blue, pink, yellow were all ones he used correctly today. Instead of telling me he has a car it's a yellow car.

The last few days he's been pretending to sleep on the sofa, complete with a little cover over himself and he'll throw the cover off and shout 'it's morning!!'

My son has this laugh that you can't help but join in with the laughing. He is such a happy little boy and is very social, he loves to be around people. He is brilliant with playing with other children. I remember feeling worried when it was his first day with the childminder (wow, over a year ago) but he was great. I'm so proud of him. I'm so lucky to be a mummy to my little boy.

I honestly couldn't imagine my life without him.

counselling thoughts

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. I love this.

I started seeing a counsellor at the beginning of May. My last scheduled appointment with her is at the beginning of July. After that I'll take a break for a month or two and then if I want to I can resume appointments. The reason for the break is because my employer pays for six sessions with her but in the documents I received it states that I'm not allowed to continue with her privately. Last week she asked how I felt about that being my second last appointment. I mentioned that I'd read if I wanted to continue with counselling I'd have to see someone else. She said there are ways around that, she can request that I continue privately or I can leave it a month or two and then contact her myself.

I'm going to keep an open mind and see how I'm feeling but at the moment I feel like I will continue with counselling. I feel the benefit of it. Just being able to speak to someone and be completely open and honest. Perhaps the open part isn't quite true yet. I still find it difficult to talk but I'm getting there. Before the first appointment with her I was terrified of it. I was worried that I was going to go and the counsellor was going to expect an explanation as to why I feel the the way I do. Of course it wasn't like that at all. I get upset talking, I've got upset a lot at the five appointments but, in a positive way, I've been able to make changes to how I think and see things. The counsellor said I think in black and white. Something very important I think I've learned/taken from counselling is that I need to see myself how I am and not how I think I should be. I really think about this and I completely agree. I was hung up on I shouldn't feel like this, I should be feeling better, I shouldn't still be struggling, I should be back at work.. That kind of mindset isn't healthy and it isn't the least bit helpful. How could I work through things if I didn't see how I am. Now I do and now I've made progress. I am depressed and it's ok. I've asked how help (huge step for me.. or anyone I imagine). I can feel down about things but also happy about other things (for example - my beautiful boy). It's ok to have mixed feelings. Etc. Etc.

I see now that I've been through a lot over the past few years.

• unplanned pregnancy
• breakup because I kept my baby (I didn't think happened when you were in your mid-twenties)
• couldn't return to uni as planned so withdrew my readmission
• difficult pregnancy both physical (hyperemesis, SPD) and emotional (single mother to be, scans/appointments with lots of happy couples in the waiting room was hard, child birth classes..)
• traumatic birth
• the usual first time mother worries
• Post Partum Depression (PPD)
• raising my son on my own
• returning to work

Seeing it like that has helped me see what I've been through. The counsellor has helped me go through a lot of what's happened.  I can also see that somethings will always bother me and that's ok. I just don't need to be as overwhelmed by them.

I'm getting there. I just hope I continue to go in the right direction once I go back to work at the end of the month.

Bit of an intro

*Hello* I'm J and I'm mummy to a wonderful little boy (who I'll most likely refer to as bug, a pet name from when I was pregnant). Yesterday marked three years since I found out I was pregnant. Wow, three years and it feels like yesterday. My son was born in early March 2010. He's now just over 2, and a quarter, years old and I honestly couldn't imagine my life without him.

I just thought of the name mummy tantrums because I'm right in the middle of the so-called terrible twos (they started earlier than two!!). I also have some tantrums of my own ranging from single motherhood, traumatic birth and a long term battle with PostPartum Depression (PPD).

I had a relapse into depression at the beginning of this year. In hindsight it started in the middle of last year but that's the thing with hindsight isn't it? Here's a bit of a summary...

February 2012 - finally kept an appointment to see a GP. Decided depression had returned. Prescribed Fluoxetine (20mg daily). 

April 2012 - No difference so switched to mirtazapine (15mg daily). 

May 2012 - Seen my own GP (who I seen throughout my inital PPD). I felt the mirtazapine wasn't worth the side effects. Prescribed lofepramine again (210mg daily after one week of 140mg daily). 

[the GP I seen in between wanted to try newer AD's since lofepramine is an older one. My own GP was happy for me to take them since she felt I done well on them last time]

May 2012 was also when I started seeing a counsellor. I was a bit hesitant about the counselling but it's definitely made a difference. I'll write more about the counselling soon. 

I'm getting there. My son is absolutely wonderful and without a doubt he is the brightest star in my life. I'm so, so lucky to be his mummy. 

PPD is awful and it's one of those things that no-one talks about. It's been a struggle but I know I'm doing everything that I can to be the mummy that my son deserves.