more work anxiety

I return to work in four, very short, days. I'm feeling very anxious now to the point that I think I feel unwell. Of course this is in my head and I'm hoping the fact I realise that is a good sign. 

For some unknown reason I had two different times written down for my next (last) counselling appointment. I phoned the centre this morning to confirm the time, it's the earlier 10:40am. I think that's what confused me, my appointments are normally 11:30am. So that's a week tomorrow. In a way it feels like everything is coming together. I'm returning to work, taking a break from counselling and I've now settled on an antidepressant that actually works. Why do I feel so overwhelmed with everything when surely these are positive things? I just want to cry when the, for the first time in months, I do feel like I might be OK. Sometimes I feel like I make little sense. I'm still doing well with not using the word should. My counsellor said thinking about the shoulds isn't helpful. I need to see myself how I am rather than how I think I should be. She said I think in black and white so I need to take a step back. To be completely honest I feel like I'll miss counselling for this short break. I'm sure I've said that before. 

Last night I was tidying up and sorting through some old boxes and what did I find? The train ticket from my first date with my ex (aka fw/F***W**). I felt a little sad. I think it was mostly because it reminded me of how much he once meant to me for me to keep it. He means nothing to me now. He'll always be the person who made me choose between him and my baby. My baby will always come first and that applied before I'd even met him. I threw the train ticket away. I did feel a bit weird for the rest of the evening but I think I've shaken it off now. 

My little bug is finally having a nap. As it's already just after 3:30pm I'm hoping he's up soon. I did want to try and put him down earlier but he seen the new toy helicopter I bought for him and it was all over then. Any tiredness instantly vanished and was replaced with much excitement for the new toy. Helicopters are the absolute favourite at the moment.

He absolutely loves his new shoes. This morning he called them his Triceratops shoes. What a big word for a little boy! What do I say to that? Dinosaurs are another love, complete with growling. 

I'm going to go and enjoy a hot cup of tea which is a rare occurrence with a toddler.