counselling thoughts

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. I love this.

I started seeing a counsellor at the beginning of May. My last scheduled appointment with her is at the beginning of July. After that I'll take a break for a month or two and then if I want to I can resume appointments. The reason for the break is because my employer pays for six sessions with her but in the documents I received it states that I'm not allowed to continue with her privately. Last week she asked how I felt about that being my second last appointment. I mentioned that I'd read if I wanted to continue with counselling I'd have to see someone else. She said there are ways around that, she can request that I continue privately or I can leave it a month or two and then contact her myself.

I'm going to keep an open mind and see how I'm feeling but at the moment I feel like I will continue with counselling. I feel the benefit of it. Just being able to speak to someone and be completely open and honest. Perhaps the open part isn't quite true yet. I still find it difficult to talk but I'm getting there. Before the first appointment with her I was terrified of it. I was worried that I was going to go and the counsellor was going to expect an explanation as to why I feel the the way I do. Of course it wasn't like that at all. I get upset talking, I've got upset a lot at the five appointments but, in a positive way, I've been able to make changes to how I think and see things. The counsellor said I think in black and white. Something very important I think I've learned/taken from counselling is that I need to see myself how I am and not how I think I should be. I really think about this and I completely agree. I was hung up on I shouldn't feel like this, I should be feeling better, I shouldn't still be struggling, I should be back at work.. That kind of mindset isn't healthy and it isn't the least bit helpful. How could I work through things if I didn't see how I am. Now I do and now I've made progress. I am depressed and it's ok. I've asked how help (huge step for me.. or anyone I imagine). I can feel down about things but also happy about other things (for example - my beautiful boy). It's ok to have mixed feelings. Etc. Etc.

I see now that I've been through a lot over the past few years.

• unplanned pregnancy
• breakup because I kept my baby (I didn't think happened when you were in your mid-twenties)
• couldn't return to uni as planned so withdrew my readmission
• difficult pregnancy both physical (hyperemesis, SPD) and emotional (single mother to be, scans/appointments with lots of happy couples in the waiting room was hard, child birth classes..)
• traumatic birth
• the usual first time mother worries
• Post Partum Depression (PPD)
• raising my son on my own
• returning to work

Seeing it like that has helped me see what I've been through. The counsellor has helped me go through a lot of what's happened.  I can also see that somethings will always bother me and that's ok. I just don't need to be as overwhelmed by them.

I'm getting there. I just hope I continue to go in the right direction once I go back to work at the end of the month.