Sometimes it really hits me how difficult I found pregnancy as a single mother to be. [Long story short is my ex broke up with me because I wanted to keep my baby.] Sometimes reading other blogs reminds me of how alone I was at a vulnerable time, at the most life changing thing I'll ever experience. Honestly, what is going to change my life more than becoming a mother for the first time? I did have support from my mother, sister and various midwives but it wasn't really the same as having someone who was supposed to be as excited as I was.
All that being said, I did enjoy my pregnancy. I loved feeling my son growing and kicking inside me. It was beyond amazing. As well as a physically difficult pregnancy it was emotionally difficult as well. I was delighted to be having a baby. I loved him before he was even born, before I had even seen him on an ultrasound. I was scared about being a single mother. Some of the worries I still have - how will I manage? What about work and childcare? Will I be enough for my son? There are plenty more. I dreaded being asked about the father. It reduced me to tears at many midwife appointments.
Even now I find it difficult to read about pregnant women who aren't happy their partner isn't excited, aren't happy their partner isn't talking more about the baby, their partners are stressing them out worrying about finances. I know these are all genuine fears and they are important to those women. It's just I sometimes compare that to my own experience and it reminds me that I didn't have close to that. Finances was a worry I carried alone. The only interest my ex showed in my pregnancy was trying to persuade me to terminate it.
I'm sure I'm just whining but something I read tonight just got to me. I know it wasn't intentional. I'm just rubbish at times. I think it can be similar to reading a water birth story. That was the dream I had that never happened. My birth experience is for another day though.
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