Halloween

My little man has been so excited about dressing up for Halloween. I'd asked a few times over the last few weeks what he wants to dress up as and he finally decided on a fireman. He is obsessed with fire engines so it was a good choice. I ordered his costume online and it arrived on Monday. On Monday night I didn't think I was going to be able to get it off him! I think he's going to be disappointed next week when he has to wear his regular clothes! 

I mentioned before that I was considering a Gaelic medium education. I phoned the school on Tuesday and I've made an appointment to see the head teacher on Monday. She sounded very friendly on the phone so I'm feeling positive about meeting her. 

My second decompression surgery has been postponed until the 26th November. It's only been pushed back two weeks but I'm absolutely dreading telling my manager. I'm planning on awaiting until I have the paper work before breaking the news to her. 

On that note, I went to see the occupational health doctor on Tuesday and it was the biggest waste of time. He can only make assumptions based on the surgery going well. Of course, I hope it does but I already have a post operative complication in my right hand so it's very frustrating.

I feel awful

I have the flu. I don't mean "it's really the cold flu" I mean actual flu. Everything hurts. Bug has been quite understanding but I'm secretly looking forward to his 2.5 hours at nursery this afternoon and also bedtime. 

I'd like to give a special thank you to the workman working on the pavement within view from the house. So far it's kept my wee guy quietly happy for a good twenty minutes! Bug has now taken his own toy tools to the door. 

not yummy

Me: we have new medicine for you.

Bug: it's yellow. 

Me: it's yummy. 

*bug has spoonful of medicine*

Bug: that wasn't yummy. 

Me: was it not?

Bug: no, not even a little bit yummy. 

Feeling better

Bug is recovering well and is starting to feel better. Last few days there's been a long of cuddling up on sofa. Lots of extra cuddles. He's not been eating much but he's drinking plenty. I'd been heating up his drinks so they weren't as harsh on his throat. I'm still checking on him loads. Still feel shaken up when I think about how unwell he was in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. Very scary. I'm so glad he's getting better quite quickly.

I phoned up on Wednesday morning to cancel his flu vaccine appointment. I didn't even really want the appointment in the first place. The nurse caught me off guard when she called and when I tried to explain my concerns, instead of reassuring me, she just said I could cancel if I wanted to. After having a read online I'm leaning towards not having the vaccine. I've only ever had the flu once myself and that was when I was pregnant - a time when I was immunocompromised. At that time I didn't feel the risks were worth the benefits. Even though I had the flu, I didn't regret my decision. I do have all the scheduled vaccinations for my son. I just don't feel this is necessary. 

I have more I want to write. Something is that I'm currently having a look into a Gaelic medium education. There's a lot of resources for parents online. It really deserves it's own entry but I think I'm going to make an apppointment to see the head teacher of the school to discuss it more. I've not decided yet. I'm really not sure but I do feel I'd like to explore the option more so I have all the information before I do make a decision. 

6 weeks post op

Yesterday marked 6 weeks since my decompression surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome. 

I'm still experiencing sharp, deep pains in my wrist and thumb. I'm half way to 12 weeks where this pillar pain will hopefully resolve itself. My second surgery is 3 weeks and 6 days away. This time in 4 weeks hopefully all will have gone well and I'll be at home chilling with a massive bandage on. In reality I'll be in absolute agony but it will be done. 

I'm in a lot of pain now. Every day. Carpal tunnel syndrome in my left hand and recovering from surgery and pillar pain in my right hand. I can't wait for the day when I'm going to bed at night and realise that my hands have been pain free all day. In some ways I'm tolerating chronic pain but in other ways I could so easily be pulled down by it all.

My heart might burst...

"I love you lots. I love you forever. I love you're my mummy." 

Croup

My three year old son struggling to breath and gasping for breath with a temperature of 39.2°C was beyond terrifying. 

I phoned NHS24 and then headed up to A&E for my son to see an out of hours doctor. Doctor diagnosed croup. Apparently it’s normally quite mild but can sometimes be more severe and cause breathing difficulty. Doctor prescribed some steroids which help reduce the inflammation/swelling of the windpipe. First lot of steroids have made a difference and he’s to have a second lot at 5:30pm. 

I have a very brave boy. He didn’t complain at all while the doctor checked his temperature, checked his heart rate, checked his ears and throat and listened to his heart. He even took the steroid solution with only a little encouragement. 

Bug is currently having a nap. I’m beyond tired so I can’t sleep and constantly checking on him. It happened quickly without any waiting. Phoned at 3:20am and we had been to hospital and home again by just after 5am. 

I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight either.

From the mouth of bug

Bug: mummy is your hand still sore?

Me: yes, I need to go back in hospital next month for a second operation. 

Bug: aww don't be scared mummy, you need to be a brave boy. I'll come with you and keep you company. 

My lovely boy. 

Nursery rhyme sing song

On Thursday bug had his nursery rhyme sing song. At home he has been singing a lot and knew most of the words to all the songs. I think he was thrown by the amount of people there because he was barely singing. Still lovely to go and see him.

When I dropped him off one of the nursery teachers asked me if it was ok if people wanted to take photos and video. Apparently I was the only parent who didn't give permission for my child's photo to be taken for use outside the nursery. Is it weird that I was the only parent who didn't give permission or is it weird that no-one else is concerned about other people having pictures of their child(ren)? Anyway, for this event I gave permission because my main concern was that I didn't want my sons picture in the paper. 

Bug absolutely adores his nursery but while I was there on Thursday, and could see all the children together, it was obvious there is a divide in the nursery. It was obvious who the older children were (the class is 3 and 4 year olds) and I wasn't happy with their behaviour. Obnoxious. Shouting out. Interrupting. Generally disrupting the class. I'm not under any illusions, I know my son isn't perfect but I wasn't impressed.

GP appointment

I had a GP appointment today. He said that I'm not able to work at the moment. He also said that the CTS appeared worse in my left hand because there is more muscle wastage. Interesting because the orthopaedic surgeon said the tests indicated it was worse in my left hand but because I was experiencing more pain in my right hand he agreed to do surgery on my right hand first. So this muscle wastage means that the GP agreed a recovery time of at least 6 weeks post op. 

GP was also concerned about my mental health. He was worried the stress from work and the pain I'm in could trigger a relapse in depression (something I'm aware of). If I return to work too early then it will result in even more time off to stabilise my moods. 

My manager called this afternoon to say I've been referred to see an orthopaedic doctor. I'll need to confirm the details with her tomorrow because, due to child care, I can only go up to to see this doctor on a Monday or Tuesday morning. It's a complete joke considering I'm booked in for surgery in just over a month. 

I also want to note that my manager has given occupational health the incorrect address so TWO occupational health reports have been sent out to the wrong address. My personal details and sensitive information regarding my health has been sent to a complete stranger. I'll be getting a copy of this tomorrow to find out what exactly has been sent out. Surely this is a breach of privacy?! 

I'm so annoyed and I'll definitely be taking this all further once I'm back at work. 

Parents meeting

Bug and I had the parents meeting type thing at nursery yesterday. 

While I was getting ready to leave I had a moment where it felt very surreal that I was getting ready to go to a parents meeting for my child. My child. The child I thought I'd never have. It just hit me from nowhere. 

The nursery teacher I spoke to said she has been with bug from the beginning but someone else will be taking over. She said they've all been happy with him, he's never had any problems and has had no issues settling in. She also said his vocabulary is brilliant. They all love now happy he is and adore his laugh. Bug has a laugh that makes everyone want to laugh too. I'm so glad he is doing so well. 

He has a nursery sing a long tomorrow and parents are allowed to come and watch so I'm going to go and see my lovely boy. He is growing up so fast. 

General catch up

Last week when we were driving home from nursery bug said the leaves are changing colour. Well and truly Autumn now and winter is on the way. We had some very heavy rain last Thursday which reminded me that I needed to get bug new wellies. I was even more reminded when I picked him up from nursery, they'd had waterproof clothes on the children and they'd been out jumping in puddles. I'm not entirely sure how bugs sleeves managed to get wet right enough. Fortunately I always have a change of clothes for him. 

On Saturday we went up to get him wellies. Bug has wide feet (G width) so I'm limited in where we can shop. Seriously limited. Clarks... Anyway they had some in his size. The same style he had last year which lasted well so I was happy and bug was happy. Typical that it's not rained since!

Today bug brought home more paintings. I love seeing what he does at nursery. I love seeing his art. I do wonder what goes on in his head when he's painting. 

Oh, on the drive to his childminders this morning we had to stop because two fire engines came out the fire station. Bug was shouting "it's an emergency" from the back of the car. I love that. Complete and utter joy and amazement at seeing fire engines. 

Tomorrow I have a parents meeting at the nursery. It's just an informal meeting to have a chat about how he's doing. I've made it for 3pm so it's right after nursery. 

Occupational health

This afternoon, occupational health phoned me...

I think the conversation went ok, better than last time anyway. 

The person I spoke to was just wanting an update on my ortho appointment last week. I told her I've been booked in for a second operation on the 12th November. I explained I was still in pain from the last op. She asked if I would be back at work before my second op as I've quoted recovery time as 6-12 weeks. I said it becomes complicated because if I return to work and then go off again for surgery then that's a second absence and triggers the disciplinary process. (I have so much I want to write about this but I need to keep it short)

She said my expected return to work might not be until January 2014 and she is going to recommend I see an independent doctor. She did say it won't be a orthopaedic doctor so I'm not sure what's the point. I'm not overly fussed because I have nothing to hide. I'd welcome any suggestions because being completely honest, the thought of not working until January is very daunting. I'm not enjoying being off. Not only and I in a lot of pain, every single day, but I'm worried about my job and the implications of being out of it for so long. Flip side is that if I go back too soon then what damage could I do? These are my hands. Think about how often you use your hands every day. 

The pain ultimately affects my mental health because I'm frustrated, upset and generally had enough of it. When I need to change my sons shoes at nursery I find it a struggle because I need to apply pressure to my hands. I'm worried that this will trigger a relapse in depression. It's something I'm very aware of because I feel reaching seven months without antidepressants is a fantastic achievement and I want/need it to continue. 

Hello October

I will try to write more later but I just wanted to acknowledge a few things. 

1. Today marks SEVEN months since I stopped taking ADs. How amazing is that? When I compare seven months to the first time I stopped by this time I was well and truly in the realms of severe depression. 

2. My right hand is now four weeks post decompression surgery. I'm still in a lot of pain. I have pillar pain which is a complication of the surgery. It's a deep pain in my wrist and also in my thumb. It's very painful and takes my breath away. Fortunately this is temporary and should resolve on it's own within the next two months. 

3. Surgery for my left hand is six weeks today. Left hand is still painful with carpal tunnel syndrome. All the symptoms are still there. They're being aggravated because I'm using my left hand more while my right hand recovers. Numbness, tingling, pain, burning, shooting pains up my forearm. They're all still there. There's also a good chance I'll get the same complication as above. I'm just hoping the three months of absolute agony are worth it in the long run.