one appt became two

I had an appointment to see my GP today. It had been six months since I last seen her so it was to discuss antidepressants. She suggested staying on them until March and then reducing the dosage over a few weeks so I'm not just stopping them. My GP didn't feel January was the right time to stop and felt March, when the days are getting longer, would be a much better idea. I agreed. I did say how worried I was about stopping them because I've done this before. I'm always going to be scared though, no matter when I stop them.

Just as I was leaving she asked about my smear test. I said I'd got the letter but hadn't got around to making an appointment. She then said she would make an appointment for me. While she was checking appointment times she said the nurse is free right now. I felt really put on the spot but my GP said this way I won't stress about it and it's done. So I agreed and that's it done. You would think after having a baby and all the follow up appointments that I would be used to things like this but no, there was plenty of laughing. I especially liked it when the nurse said she also gets her socks from Tesco! But like I said - it's done!

five years at work

It was a few days ago that I realised the 14th of January would mark five years since I started working for my current employer. In that five years I've had five different job roles. I've become a mother. I've had 14 months maternity leave. I've met so many people, some amazing and some not so much. It was never my intention to stay working for the company this long. I had every intention of returning to university in 2009 but in the June I found out I was pregnant so I had to stay. I just wanted to acknowledge the date because what a five years it's been.

...

I did manage to get an appointment today. Since it was an emergency appointment it was with some random doctor who I didn't particularly like. She said it was normal after having the cold. I didn't get any further explanation. I've had countless colds and I've never had anything like this. The pain is constant but it's really sharp when I'm breathing. I had said that paracetamol or ibuprofen isn't making any difference but she said to keep taking it anyway. Ok so I'm not a doctor but I really don't understand the point in taking something if it's not helping.

When I picked bug up from the childminder after my appointment (it was at the end of my shift) she didn't think I looked well and didn't think that advice sounded quite right.

I see my own GP a week tomorrow anyway regarding the AD's (which I'm so worried about) so if I'm still sore I'll mention it to her. Hopefully it the mean time the painful breathing won't interfere too much. It was sore to speak to people at work today.

I feel like I'm whining again. I just feel like she didn't listen to me.

...

Bug was back at childminder's today. This morning he was so excited and couldn't wait to go. When I picked him up again he was just so happy and telling me about the tortoises (childminder's daughter got two tortoises for Christmas). According to bug the tortoises were sleeping in the corner after lunch and they needed a cuddle. Bug saying tortoises is so cute.

When we got home bug had a massive nap which I was so grateful for because it meant I could have a long, hot bath.

...

I think it's going to be an early night for me.

more on birth trauma

I didn't realise how much my traumatic birth experience still affects me. I can feel angry at ignorant comments as my previous post and I can acknowledge that. I didn't realise just how much I would feel to see someones labour and post birth status updates. I'm not sure how I felt to be honest. I feel nauseated and I want to cry and cry. I knew that it still bothers me and I feel that's it something that will always bother me, I just didn't realise how much I still hold onto. The majority of the time I do feel ok although I do tend to keep a distance from any talk of labour, birth, those first few moments. I do feel that a traumatic birth experience was a huge factor in my postpartum depression.

I'm scared that as my son's birthday is less than two months away I'll fall into the mind set of three years ago. Three years ago I was a day shy of 34 weeks pregnant and still had dreams of what my son's birth would be. I can't change my birth experience and that's fine. I'm still very emotional thinking about it and I'm sure that's fine too. I'm in a much better place than I was even just a year ago.

the mother matters too

Ignorant phrases such as all that matters is a healthy baby, all that matters is that baby arrives safely really do nothing to support women to come forward and talk about their traumatic birth experiences. These phrases just add to the guilt which renders traumatised new mothers mute. Don't get me wrong, I certainly understand and fully agree that a healthy baby is one of the most important things but the mother also matters, her emotional and physical well being matter. After any trauma a woman needs and deserves support, she certainly doesn't need to be subjected to ignorant phrases that will make her feel worse.

overlooked

When it comes to birth trauma sometimes it feels as though operative vaginal deliveries are overlooked. While I was pregnant I was personally more scared of forceps than I was of the idea of having, or needing, a caesarean section.

The week before I went into labour there was a story in the news about a baby dying as a result of a forceps delivery. 

I'll never be over my traumatic birth experience but I've somewhat accepted it. It was mentally and physically traumatic. I blamed myself and I felt like a failure. Ultimately I didn't push my baby into the word, he was dragged from my uterus by his head. 

I tore that badly that it took almost three hours being stitched up. I was given a spinal block after delivery. I had a uterine prolapse. Bladder and bowel issues. Physiotherapy. It took over a year before I felt ok-ish again. Being in theatre meant I couldn't attempt breastfeeding until my son was three hours old. I had a huge blood loss and that combined with the trauma delayed my milk in coming in which resulted in a huge weight loss and readmission.

back from the doctors

Seven days in to 2013 and we're not long home from bug's first Drs appointment of the year. They were running late so bug was having a bit of a meltdown in the waiting room. Once he had played with the "chase the beads" game that was him wanting to go home. Luckily it wasn't too long a wait. The Dr listened to his chest and said sounded clear so most likely a bad cold and a bad cough and sore throat. That's a relief. I'm glad I got him checked. She wrote a prescription for more calpol as well as some medicine to help his cough/throat. At the moment he's having a nap, it's early (11:47am) but he must need it. 

I hope he's back to his usual happy and healthy self soon.

we're not well

Both my little bug and myself are not well. I think I have a chest infection, I've felt awful for almost two weeks. My poor little boy hasn't been well either, thankfully he doesn't seem as affected as I am but I'd much rather take his lot as well if it meant he wasn't suffering at all.

2013

Happy New Year!!

Bring on 2013!!