Painting the fence

So a while ago I offered to paint my mums fence to save her spending money to have someone else do it. My mum has hurt her shoulder so wasn't able to do it herself. 

Anyway, bug has been so excited about 'helping' since I bought the paint yesterday morning. I locked the garden gate so I could paint the outside while bug painted the inside. I said to him just to paint the middle parts of the fence, that way he could reach them and didn't have the stretch up or crouch down. Bug was very quickly covered in paint. He had lots of fun. By the time I'd finished the outside I was covered in paint too. How did I manage to have a load of paint on my back?! Bug found it rather amusing and kept telling me I was all covered in paint. Now all clean after that felt like the best shower ever. Bug had a bath but I see another bath on the cards tonight!

I think it was a not bad job considering I've never painted a fence before! So glad that's me for the day. Definitely need a night of chilling on the sofa with a good DVD. 

Tantrums and early rises

I'm still feeling ok so I'm starting to feel a bit more relaxed which helps even more. 

We were up early this morning. 5:15am early. Why am I not used to these early rises by now? My son has always been an early riser. I had bought him a gro clock but it doesn't work for us. Bug understands the star means time for sleep and we set it every night. I've explained to him to stay in bed until the sun comes up but it's just a battle between 5:30/6 until the sun comes up. I set the sun for 7am so I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable. I think bug has a good bed time routine. Cuddles in for a story, sometimes he'll want to read me one, set the gro clock then tuck him in. He goes to sleep fine the majority of the time, he must just be an early riser. Oh, I've also tried keeping him up later but it makes absolutely no difference to the time he wakes up.  

Zzzzzzz

Bug still has a few screaming tantrums. Really high pitched screaming. Awful. I'm not sure what to do other than wait them out. I've tried having him sit in the hall until he stops screaming, tried to talk to him and calm him, comfort him, tried putting him into his bed until he stops. Nothing is making a difference. A few people have made comments regarding smacking him but that is absolutely NOT an option. I don't feel it will help and I do not want to hurt my child. Hopefully he will grow out of these screaming tantrums. Although when he starts a tantrum when we're out I'll tell him to stop or we'll go back to the car and he does normally calm down. Also, when people say to prevent them before they start is irritating because they come nowhere. Obviously if I knew how to prevent them I would. I always have things for him to do so it's not boredom either. 

Later this morning we're going to get bugs hair cut. It grows so fast, doesn't feel like all that long ago it was cut. Last time he was a star so I'm hoping he cooperates again! After that I just need to pick up a few things and then will probably go for lunch. 

feeling ok

I'm feeling a lot better now compared to how I felt when I wrote my last post. Was it just a big wobble? I don't know. I did mention it to my boss on Friday morning. She was lovely and said she was so glad I felt I was able to tell her. She gave me a number for a counselling service that work offer and also suggested I see my GP. I've not done either. I've already seen a counsellor and while at the time I felt the benefit I don't feel like it's something I want to continue with. I also don't want to rush back to my GP at the moment. 

I was out on Saturday with friends from work and had lots of fun. Must have needed it. Even in all the pictures I look so happy. 

My little bug is doing wonderful. Over the weekend he was asking for bubbles so I got some on Monday but it was only the big bubbles which he couldn't really play with on his own. Yesterday I found some smaller bottles and he was running around chasing bubbles for hours! We were up at 6:16 this morning (yes, that exact because I looked at my phone) and as soon as we were downstairs he was asking for bubbles. I'm hoping the sun stays out so he can play in the garden. He loves being outside. 

I wanted to go to the park today but we have to wait in on the new 'super hub' modem. Hopefully it will arrive sooner rather than later. 

I'm still loving my iPad - it makes it said much easier to get online to post updates.

Not quite right

So it's been 12 weeks (tomorrow) since I stopped taking AD's and something doesn't feel right. 

Really don't know what I want to do. I don't particularly want to see my GP because I don't want to not have been able to get on with it for a second time I don't want to feel dependent on taking anything. 

It's really not helping my boss is on my case about targets at work. This is my new boss though so she doesn't know that I was off last year etc. that's not a conversation I want to have either. 

Maybe it's just a bad few days. I really don't know but I've spent yesterday and this morning with lots of tears. 

I just don't understand because there's nothing actually wrong. 

I just feel like a mess. Is this it for now on? I've not been the same since PND kicked in. Has it just messed up my head for good? I wasn't like this before. I did have times when I was very down etc but it was always circumstantial. This just makes absolutely no sense. 

Co-sleeping

There was something on the evening news yesterday about co-sleeping being dangerous. 

I disagree. 

Before I was a mother myself I never really thought about co-sleeping. I didn't really think beyond a baby sleeping in their cot in the same room. I never thought that co-sleeping would be something I done. But then before I was a mother I had no idea about the exhaustion that came with motherhood. 

After a traumatic birth I had serious tearing so couldn't properly sit up for a long time. This meant I would breast feed that vast majority of the time lying down or slouching far enough back that I wasn't sitting. 

To begin with I put bug back in his Moses basket which had set up camp next to my bed. I would occasionally wake up in a half asleep panic that I had fallen asleep with my baby in my bed. It reached the point where I was that exhausted I was scared to nurse half sitting up incase I fell asleep. For me it felt safer to just co-sleep. Then I could make sure we were both comfortable and that my baby was safe. While I was breast feeding I never really fell into a deep sleep anyway. It is designed that way or was it just the waking every two hour that stopped that. 

The more I thought about it the more it felt much more natural. My son was instantly comforted being close to mummy and I felt more rested. Surely it's against my own instinct to not sleep snuggled with my tiny newborn?

Obviously this is just my own opinion on it. I know this is a rather heated subject. Maybe I was taking a risk but my son is now three years old, the co-sleeping days are behind us and it's not something I regret. 

Visiting friend & generally updating

At the moment I also write on open diary. I've written there for 7 years (8 in September) but I really feel like my time there is just about up. A lot of friends no longer update (luckily we keep in touch through Facebook), the site randomly goes down, I refuse to pay for the plus version anymore because I'm unsure of how long it will last so the advertising is annoying me just now. I read this morning (can't quite remember where) that the site itself is no longer maintained. Sad but perhaps just all pointing to it being time to move on. 

I've just downloaded the blogger app for my iPad (which I'm typing in now) so hopefully this makes it even easier to update. I only started this blogspot in 2010 but I may cross post all my pregnancy entries from open diary to keep everything in once place. 

This morning I went to visit a friend with bug. My friend had a baby, N, 9 weeks ago. She is absolutely gorgeous and I loved getting loads of cuddles. As much as I loved holding her and talking to her I'm not feeling broody in the slightest. We were only over for a few hours but it was nice to have a catch up. Bug was obsessed with her dog. The dog is a big Akita and luckily had all the time in the world for bug, so patient and playful. At first I was a bit scared, I kept having intrusive thoughts of bug getting mauled but once I seen how calm and patient she was I calmed down. Much prefer our little hamsters, Teddy and Bailey! 

We came home and bug had a play in the garden. Our neighbour, F, was out in her garden so bug was talking to her. Shortly after that he came in for lunch and is now having a nap. I really thought he might have dropped his afternoon nap by now but he must still need it. On the occasional day where he skips his nap he is on the grumpy side around 5pm and then falls into over tired territory as we get close to bed time. An over tired three year old is not good at all! 

Bug has always been a good talker but recently it feels like his vocabulary has just exploded. He is so much clearer. I love being able to have all these conversations with him about anything and everything. 

I normally read to bug before bed time. It's usually the same book - the tiger who came to tea. Lately bug has been asking to read me a story before he goes to bed. I know that he isn't actually reading but it's amazing to see him flick through the book and tell me the story from what he remembers based on the pictures!

Middle of May

How is it possibly the middle of May already? I know I start a lot of posts in shock at how quickly time passes but it's scary!

Anyway...

Last week I took bug down to the bay to collect shells. It was rainy but he loved it. I put his wellies on so he was in and out of the water. Eventually he fell in which I really should have seen coming. I think he got a shock from how freezing the water was but after a mummy cuddle he was fine. He was absolutely soaking by the time we got back to the car. I could actually pour water out his wellies. On the way home we did quickly stop off for some ice cream.

When we got home we painted half of the shells. Again, lots of fun. Bug had paint everywhere! I never bother with the mess because it's easily cleaned up and he's always so happy so it's worth it.

This was all last Wednesday and he already wants to go back.

Oh, Monday last week I'd said to bug in a particularly cute moment "you're just a wee lamb" and his response was "you're a cow mummy" .... Have to love the innocence :)

I love my wee guy so, so much.

I had a bit of a wobble last night. I'm not sure how much I want to write at the moment but I was just feeling sad about what postpartum depression took away from me. What I'll never get back. Etc. I'm trying to just breathe and let it pass. I can't change it and I don't want it taking anything else from me. I no longer have postpartum depression but I'm forever changed and feel that I'm more fragile now.

I really need to post more often.