the right decision?

I've put a question mark in my entry title but I'm not sure if it belongs there. 

Returning to work after four months is hard but it has to be the right decision. I'm not going to truly feel or be better until I'm back to normality. I think the longer I was off the more daunting returning was. In all honestly I feel so anxious about work. I feel really on edge when I'm driving there. At the end of my shift when I reach my car I just want to cry. I'm not sure if they're tears of relief or tears from stuggling. It's overwhelming. 

I don't even feel like I can be honest when I'm asked how I feel. My manager was/is supportive but I need to sustain this return and I don't want to give her any reason to doubt that I can do it.

Sometimes I feel almost detached from reality. That might be too harsh. I'm not sure how to explain it but sometimes I feel like I'm seeing my life but not really, really involved. All this time has passed and it feels like no time at all. There are things I want to do, things I want to achieve and I have the means to put them into motion but I'm not confident enough to believe that they'll really happen. Sometimes I feel stuck but I know I'm the only person who can fix that. 

Tuesday is my last scheduled appointment with the counsellor and in all honesty I'm scared how I'll feel when it's finished. The plan is to take a break and then start seeing her again. I know I struggle to make appointments like that. It took me months to see my doctor. I feel more aware that it's something I struggle with so maybe this time will be different, I have to make it different.