mix of things

Sometimes I still feel scared writing about it. It's hard not to. 

Morning sickness has kicked in. Calling it morning sickness is a bit misleading since it's all day and night. It started last week with just feelings of nausea which progressed to dry heaving (lovely) and now I'm being sick. I had to come home from work today. I really didn't want to tell work just yet but I really couldn't stay. My manager gave me a bit of a hard time about it because I didn't want to tell him. (he isn't really a manager he is only an acting team manager & his girlfriend works in the same department and I didn't feel he would keep confidence - if he broke confidence and told his girlfriend then everyone would know). I took advice from an actual manager first and she assured me that as an acting team manager it would be a sackable offence if he told anyone. So he wasn't happy I spoke to another first and said I should really be speaking to him and I can't speak to anyone else. I'm pretty sure I can speak to whoever I want to and if I don't want to speak to a jumped up acting team manager then I won't. 

Anyway.. I felt better once I was home. Mainly because I could be sick in my own toilet and I could sleep or just lay down when I felt really bad. I know I can't be off work until it clears up completely. The plan is to take it one day at a time. If it continues or gets worse I'll go speak to my GP. My mum had really bad sickness with both me and my sister. 

In other news I finally got my car fixed. I'm sure I've mentioned the oil saga at some point? Well car has been having oil problems since April. I wasn't driving it last week because it was making funky noises. I had forgotton how much I hate getting the bus. Just having to rely on a bus service and having to work my plans around their timetable (so I was only going to work and the hospital but still). On Saturday I initially drove the car into the next town but the garage I planned on going to was closed because of the holiday weekend. I nearly took it to arnold clark vauxhall but thought better of it *laughs* I remembered a garage in my own town I pass every day going to work. Fortunately the garage was open and the mechanic, Davie, wasn't too busy :) £15 later and my car had the oil valve replaced, 2 litres of oil and the latch to pop the bonnet fixed! :) 

The cd player/radio went into safe mode (I think 6 weeks ago now!!) and I've only just got around to doing something about that. Simple really - vauxhall have to order a code for it. I was annoyed because when they sold me the car they never gave me the code but I had to pay £23 for it. Not much was going to be done since I've had the car for well over 2 years now. I should have sound back in the car for the weekend!

That's what's been going on. 

I was saying to my mum today that it's starting to hit me that I'm going to be alone. I mean a single parent. It's scary. I know I have my mum, sister, family, friends etc but it's still daunting that I won't have a partner. When I was up at the hospital on Friday morning for my scan everyone had someone with them but I was by myself. I don't think I'd even want to be with Alex after everything that's happened. He made me choose between him and the baby. My mum asked if I regret it happened. I honestly don't.  I do want to have this baby. I didn't realise just how much until I was admitted to hospital, terrified the worst was going to happen. The relief at my scan on Friday when I could see the tiny heartbeat. I'm just overwhelmed and have no idea how I'm going to manage.