First appointment was with the counsellor this morning...
It was a fifteen minute walk from the car to the centre. Fifteen minutes was plenty of time to get the anxiety built up.
The colour of the centre was a nice pale green colour. Very calming. I liked it.
The receptionist was very welcoming which helped.
I was waiting for ten minutes (I was early) before the counsellor, called for me. After she introduced herself she asked how I was. I said I was feeling anxious because I didn't know what to expect. She asked if I had seen a counsellor before (no) and then explained what would happen (today she just wanted to get an idea of the situation). She also ran through the confidentiality agreement. Even though my work are paying for this nothing is fed back to them.
She asked me to take her through the last few years.
I found out I was pregnant in June 2009. FW broke up with me when I refused to have a termination. I skipped ahead to not feeling right since Gabriel was a few weeks old but ignoring it until finally seeing my GP in November 2010 when she diagnosed PPD. Fast forward again to May 2011 when I stopped taking AD's (on GP's advice). Ok for a few months and then downward spiral to a crash in January 2012. Eventually kept an appointment in February 2012 and started AD's fluoxetine followed by mirtazapine.
Picking up on what I missed out she asked how I felt going through pregnancy without a partner. I said it was hard. Midwife appointments, scans, birth classes - all full of happy couples. She asked about the birth, I said it wasn't what I wanted, I had lovely visions of a nice relaxed birth at the midwife led unit but it didn't happen. I said it was emergency forceps followed by three hours in theatre being stitched back together. She how the first few weeks were and I said about all the breastfeeding problems which I felt were my fault because of the birth.
She asked if I got on with Bug. I found that a strange question. I do. He is a wonderful little boy which is why I feel so guilty.
She asked why I felt guilty. I said I feel guilty for feeling like this, so down and upset. I have an amazing little boy so I should be so happy. I shouldn't be feeling like this.
She said that a lot has happened over the last few years and looking at it she wouldn't be thinking someone would be ok. She sort of reassured me it was ok to ask for help. From talking to me she thinks I'm someone who would try to get on with it, which can be good but also makes it harder to see when things really aren't ok.
She also asked me to consider that it's ok to have mixed feelings. Part of me can be happy, positive etc with Bug but then another part can be down, sad, upset etc. To be honest that did make me think more about it.
She really wants me to go back and see her. I was honest and said I would but if it was left to me to phone and make the appointment I probably wouldn't call. It's the same when I cancel doctors appointments. I tell myself I'll just see how I feel.
My next appointment is 14th May and she booked in a 3rd one for the 22nd May.
So that was my first counselling session. I'm sure it's a bit all over the place. It was strange in a way. It felt like no time at all.
It was a fifteen minute walk from the car to the centre. Fifteen minutes was plenty of time to get the anxiety built up.
The colour of the centre was a nice pale green colour. Very calming. I liked it.
The receptionist was very welcoming which helped.
I was waiting for ten minutes (I was early) before the counsellor, called for me. After she introduced herself she asked how I was. I said I was feeling anxious because I didn't know what to expect. She asked if I had seen a counsellor before (no) and then explained what would happen (today she just wanted to get an idea of the situation). She also ran through the confidentiality agreement. Even though my work are paying for this nothing is fed back to them.
She asked me to take her through the last few years.
I found out I was pregnant in June 2009. FW broke up with me when I refused to have a termination. I skipped ahead to not feeling right since Gabriel was a few weeks old but ignoring it until finally seeing my GP in November 2010 when she diagnosed PPD. Fast forward again to May 2011 when I stopped taking AD's (on GP's advice). Ok for a few months and then downward spiral to a crash in January 2012. Eventually kept an appointment in February 2012 and started AD's fluoxetine followed by mirtazapine.
Picking up on what I missed out she asked how I felt going through pregnancy without a partner. I said it was hard. Midwife appointments, scans, birth classes - all full of happy couples. She asked about the birth, I said it wasn't what I wanted, I had lovely visions of a nice relaxed birth at the midwife led unit but it didn't happen. I said it was emergency forceps followed by three hours in theatre being stitched back together. She how the first few weeks were and I said about all the breastfeeding problems which I felt were my fault because of the birth.
She asked if I got on with Bug. I found that a strange question. I do. He is a wonderful little boy which is why I feel so guilty.
She asked why I felt guilty. I said I feel guilty for feeling like this, so down and upset. I have an amazing little boy so I should be so happy. I shouldn't be feeling like this.
She said that a lot has happened over the last few years and looking at it she wouldn't be thinking someone would be ok. She sort of reassured me it was ok to ask for help. From talking to me she thinks I'm someone who would try to get on with it, which can be good but also makes it harder to see when things really aren't ok.
She also asked me to consider that it's ok to have mixed feelings. Part of me can be happy, positive etc with Bug but then another part can be down, sad, upset etc. To be honest that did make me think more about it.
She really wants me to go back and see her. I was honest and said I would but if it was left to me to phone and make the appointment I probably wouldn't call. It's the same when I cancel doctors appointments. I tell myself I'll just see how I feel.
My next appointment is 14th May and she booked in a 3rd one for the 22nd May.
So that was my first counselling session. I'm sure it's a bit all over the place. It was strange in a way. It felt like no time at all.
Second appointment was this afternoon with my GP...
Since the other GP I was seeing left the practice this was with my own GP. She said she'd had a read from when I seeing the other gp and didn't think I was doing too well. She asked what had been happening since I last seen her.
I said I didn't want to keep taking mirtazapine because I feel that it's making me irritated and annoyed at everything and it's not me. She agreed that wasn't doing any good and has prescribed lofepramine, she said I done quite well on that last time, before I stopped taking them, and even though it's an older one she's happy to see how I get on again.
I said to her about the counselling and she said I probably won't know if it's for me until I go a few more times but I'm doing the right thing by keeping an open mind.
Once she wrote me out the prescription for lofepramine she commented on my skin. For anyone who doesn't know, I have rosacea. She asked if it was bothering me. Yes. So has also prescribed an antibiotic to see if it helps calm it down. (I'm going to be taking so many tablets!!)
She doesn't think I should be rushing back to work so has signed me off for another four weeks. I'm back to see her four weeks today.
She is a brilliant doctor.
While she was speaking to me she got out a big box of toys to entertain Bug. It wasn't long before all the toys were all over the floor. Bug also ran over to one of the drawers and she said to him that unless he wanted a smear test he doesn't need anything from there! That made me laugh. He did put all the toys back in the box. :)
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